And people wonder why the popularity of baseball isn't what it used to be...

Of course it isn't, when 2/3 of the league goes into the season knowing they have absolutely no chance of competing. There isn't going to be interest from those cities.

Sure, you get the surprise team here and there, but by in large, it's the same teams year after year that compete and make the postseason. And those surprise teams are unable to maintain being a contender.

It's no wonder that the NFL is far more popular than MLB is. They have things to keep the competitive balance alive, so that the teams in big markets or with owners with deep pockets can't just dominate the league.

If there were no cap in the NFL, you can bet that the Giants and Jets would have enormous payrolls. In addition to teams like Washington, Dallas and Seattle, because their owners are unbelievably rich.

The best thing they could do in baseball is cut the league in half and just eliminate the teams that can't compete.

Small market teams should not be the farm system for the big market teams. But that's what it amounts to. They draft/sign the player, groom him for the big leagues and then he's gone as soon as he can become a free agent. And criticizing a small market team for not being able to pay big money to a player is asinine. They don't generate the revenue that the big markets teams do. Therefore they don't have the money to spend. But I guess that's alright when you root for a big market team.

It's rather comical that one team has handed out contracts to three players worth a combined $413-423 million this winter and they may not be done. Add to that, they asked the city for $400 million to finish their stadium. That's rather pathetic.

Level off the playing field and they would be taking a giant step toward getting interest back in the game. I'm not just in favor of a salary cap, there should also be a minimum payroll and not something extremely low either.

Payrolls have gotten out of control and they will eventually kill the golden goose. It may take a little while longer, but it will happen. People will get tired of paying exorbitant prices to go to games, that's when it will smack them in the face. By then, the game will be broken and will need a complete overhaul to get going.

I know fans of the big market teams will say that I'm just mad because I don't root for one of those teams. You're right, I don't. In fact, I have a hard time rooting for anybody in baseball because of the way things are done. I gave up caring a long time ago, but I root for the Orioles.

What the Hell is Wrong With Football?: The WTF 2008 Season of both Professional and College Football

This year has just been a down year for football in general. I know many of our readers probably don't give a flying fuck about sports, but this is a rant I just have to cover. Normally it is just one or the other that has itself messed up, but this year it's just bad on both ends. Now, without further ado, here are my points.

1) The National Football League referees flat out SUCK.



There are many blown calls by the refs every year, but this year is certainly a year to remember. It all started with the muffed call in week 1 against the Chargers when the infamous tuck rule reared it's ugly head, giving the Denver Broncos a win in a call that decided the outcome of the game. Now remember, I can only talk about blown calls I could actually see myself, so I only have a few.

- Earlier this year, the Baltimore Ravens hosted the Tennessee Titans in a battle of great defenses. The Ravens were winning in the fourth quarter, and the Titans needed a TD to win. On third down, Ravens linebacker Terrell Suggs sacked Tennessee quarterback Kerry Collins, in what would have been the turning point in an already great game. Instead, the refs flagged Suggs for roughing the passer when his hand barely touched Collins' helmet. The Titans would later win the game with Collins throwing a TD pass.

- In Week 15 of the NFL season, the Baltimore Ravens once again hosted the Pittsburgh Steelers in a rematch of a monday night loss to Pittsburgh at Heinz Field after the Steelers came from behind in the second half. Many analysts predicted that the outcome would be different when the Steelers would have to travel to M&T Bank Stadium in Maryland for the rematch. A blown call earlier in the game gave Pittsburgh a field goal, when their running back attempted to run for the first down. The officials ruled the result a first down, when the runner was clearly pushed back way before the first down marker. Ravens coach John Harbaugh challenged the call, but to no avail, the play stood as called. Overlooking this, the Ravens coasted into half time with a 9-6 lead over their arch-rival. And the Ravens defense held up...until the last two minutes of the game. Rex Ryan was stupid and kept calling a prevent defense, but Pittsburgh QB Ben Roethlisberger found his receivers wide open in the middle of the field. The Steelers went from their own ten yard line to the Ravens six. With 43 seconds remaining, Roethlisberger threw a pass to Santonio Holmes, who caught the ball in the endzone. The only problem was, the ball never crossed the plane of the endzone. The official rulings state: "A touchdown is scored when the ball crosses the plane of the goal line". The refs original ruling was "The ball did not cross the plane of the goal line, the ball will be spotted at the one yard line". The refs reviewed the play, and ruled that Holmes caught the ball and progressed it into the end zone with NO conclusive evidence. It was a bad call, and the only people willing to defend it are Steelers homers who will sit here and defend Bill Cowher and their rigged Super Bowl XL win. Regardless, good ole Bawlmer dropped to 9-5, giving the Shittsburgh Squeelers the AFC North title.

But besides the bad calls, the refs have gotten overly vindictive about protecting the quarterback, to the point the rule should just be that the defense should touch the QB with two hands to bring him down.

2) I'm tired of hearing University of Texas fans complain how they beat Oklahoma at a neutral field and they deserve to be in the National Title game against Florida.

For you to understand how this works, the National Championship Game takes place between the top two teams in the BCS Poll every year. Earlier this year, Texas was ranked #1. Texas lost to Texas Tech, who jumped a then-undefeated Penn State to become #2, with Alabama taking the number one spot. A few weeks later, Oklahoma crushed Texas Tech and became #2. According to Big XII rules, a tiebreaker is resolved to whoever is higher in the BCS rankings. Texas fans felt that since they beat Oklahoma though, they deserved to play Missouri for the Big XII championship game. Alright, fair enough, but don't you DARE say you won at a "neutral site". Because you didn't. For those who didn't know, the game between OU and UT took place here:



See that dot labeled "Dallas"? Yeah, that was the neutral site. Real fucking neutral, just because it was played away from the University of Texas' home stadium doesn't exactly make the field neutral. But then again, the people arguing this are from *Texas*, so I guess you can't expect them to argue competently. Oklahoma crushed Missouri, and now they will play Florida for the National Championship. Even though Oklahoma is a good team, I have one more gripe...

3) Oklahoma ran up the score in their last five games, and their average quarterback won the Heisman.



In the above picture is a douchebag named Sam Bradford, who plays for the very overrated Oklahoma Sooners football team. Before you ask, I am a Penn State fan, and any fan of a team not named USC, Ohio State, Michigan, Florida State, Notre Dame, or any Big XII or SEC school knows how this works. Unless your school was just named, you have no chance of getting to the National Championship unless you go undefeated and blow out every opponent by twenty or more points. This is how the very bias BCS system works.

The Heisman trophy is given out to the best football player in college. Normally, this a quarterback or a running back who, throughout the season, did everything necessary to help their team win. The finalists this year were all quarterbacks, Colt McCoy of Texas, Tim Tebow of Florida, and Sam Bradford of Oklahoma. The real Heisman winner, Michael Crabtree, a WR from Texas Tech, wasn't even invited. Bradford had the numbers, McCoy had the completion percentage, and Tebow had the come from behind victories and was vowing to win another Heisman, to become only the second player in history to win two Heisman awards. In a rigged ceremony, Bradford won the award to become the second sophomore to win the Heisman, after Mr. Tebow himself. So why am I complaining? Bradford only put up those numbers after running up the score on weaker teams. This was the same reason why Colt Brennan of Hawaii didn't win the Heisman last year, despite having better numbers than Bradford.

Oklahoma ran up the score in multiple games towards the end of the season in an effort to earn votes from Coaches and Harris poll voters so they could jump a team they lost to in the BCS standings. In successive games against Nebraska, Texas A&M, Texas Tech, and Oklahoma State, they scored 62, 66, 65, and 61 points despite having 30 point leads in all but the Oklahoma State game. In their game against Oklahoma State, their starting quarterback, Sam Bradford, was left in all game despite an injury to his hand and a 20 point margin of victory. Well gee, no wonder he threw for 48 touchdowns! On top of it...

In the Big XII conference title game, they continued to run up the score against an ineffective Missouri Tigers defense. They scored 21 points in the fourth quarter despite a 41-14 lead going in to the quarter. What a fucking dick move. I hate Bob Stoops and Oklahoma, I really do. Joe Paterno has never ran the score up on anyone, except for ONE time against the Pittsburgh Panthers, which is fair considering they are an instate rival. But he never did it again. Bradford got the Heisman because he played against weaker teams, and ran up the score well after the game was in hand. All this shows is that the Heisman Committee awards players who resort to tasteless tactics. When Oklahoma loses the title game, I hope Bradford tears an ACL.

See? This year football is really dragging me down, but I guess this is an upside compared to how my Orioles do every year.

The 12 Rules of a Remy/Xyle Christmas

To get into this Christmas Spirit, I've come up with a list of rules to follow for your Christmas to be just like the way Xyle and I would celebrate it. I.E, the right way.

House Rule #1) The only Christmas music allowed is Trans-Siberian Orchestra. NO Exceptions.

House Rule #2) Pie is the official dessert of choice. It must be an awesome pie, like Blueberry or the Remy-family favorite, Graham Cracker pie.

House Rule #3) No Christmas cartoon movies. They are stupid as crap. Unfortunately, this includes The Year Without A Santa Clause, for which we will give a special pardon to. You MAY watch that one ONCE.

House Rule #4) Throughout the entire month, only cigarettes brands made by the R.J. Reynolds Tobacco Company may be smoked. To be quite honest, this rule should be allowed all year, it's that important. When cigarettes made my R.J Reynolds cannot be obtained, please smoke a complementary Black & Mild.

House Rule #5) No articles of clothing are to be given as gifts, unless specifically asked for or it is an awesome hoodie.

House Rule #6) Setting up mistletoe is a nice way to kiss the girl (or guy, if you're a female reader) of your fantasies without seeming like a total puss.

House Rule #7) The official beer of the month of December is the Samuel Adams Winter Lager. This is the only other month besides November in which this seasonal beer can be purchased in. Make good use of it.

House Rule #8) As a man, it's mandatory to watch the football game on Christmas Day. If it is a blowout or the Detroit Lions are playing, you may turn it off.

House Rule #9) Smoke a bowl. 'Nuff said.

House Rule #10) The gift of Custom Firmware is a great gift for those who own PSPs. Spread the wealth, and may you rejoice in everlasting happiness as we dance on Nintendo's balls!

House Rule #11) Egg Nog is a must. If you don't like Egg Nog, too bad. If you're a health nut, get Diet Egg Nog. There is no exception for you to not have Egg Nog. Remember, Vodka + Egg Nog go hand in hand.

House Rule #12) Don't be fake happy. I hate that because it's the holidays, everyone puts on that happy smile and acts like everything is okay when it could very well not be. Don't be one of those people.

And remember, enjoy every sandwich.

Fraudian theory exposed! LOL TITANS!

If any of our readers follow football, you'll know the Titans are having one helluva season that they shouldn't be having. Besides getting the luckiest win of the season (Against my team, the Baltimore Ravens, with the most bullshit roughing the passer call ever), they seem to get lucky every game. I guess sometimes it's better to be lucky than good, but they had this loss coming for a long time. And for that, I would like to... LOL TITANS!

Fraud team, with a fraud quarterback. It took an old, washed up Brett Favre to put the dagger into the Titans back. Good, I don't care what else the Titans do this season. I can't stand to see a team go undefeated. Thank you Favre. Thank. You. Favre. Now all the Titans bandwagoners are gonna jump ship like the Patriots bandwagoners did at the beginning of the season. LOL TITANS. EL. OH FUCKING EL.



Brett Favre, You Can Do Magic

I'm sick of being called a "Bandwagon Noob" when I've lived in Tennessee for 11 fucking years. THE TITANS ARE DOING GOOD, GET THE FUCK OVER IT.

I got called a "bandwagon noob" by some idiot today for stating that I'm a fan of the Tennessee Titans. Never mind the fact that I've lived in Tennessee for almost my whole life, the team is doing good this year therefore everyone who likes them has all of a sudden jumped onto the Titans bandwagon! After stating this to said dickhead and calling him a dumbass for making such a lame assumption, he proceeded to tell me that yes, indeed, I AM a bandwagon noob because I've obviously been a Colts fan for the past 7 years! Uhh, what the hell? I'd like to point out that while football has never really mattered to me until the past year and a half or so, I've been a Titans fan since they've come to Tennessee. Yeah, chew on that, shitheads. Not everyone who likes the Titans is on a bandwagon.

THE TITANS ARE DOING GOOD FOR ONCE. GET THE FUCK OVER IT AND GO WHINE ABOUT SOMETHING THAT MATTERS. Dicks.

Smoking > Alcohol

**Remy would like to thank a few people for making this rant possible. First and foremost, the hot chick from Russia who is letting him use her laptop for this. Second, my cousin for giving me the money to purchase a DVD who inspired this rant. And lastly, Bill Hicks, whose comedy routine will be used in this rant.**

I'm tired of non-smokers coming up to me and coughing whenever I decide to smoke a cigarette. Honestly, are they some fucking sadists? Do they walk up to crippled people and dance too? That is just one question I'd like to know, that and what do atheists yell when they climax. (Oh fate and chance? Oh chemical reaction? Oh big bang?). Non-smokers walk around with a strut, like a self-righteous time bomb waiting to explode. They also have this strange eternal life theory. But I have a notion to end all notions. Non-smokers die. Everyday. There you have it. When I die, I will be going to Sharper Image. Iron Lungs, Oxygen Tanks, yeah, I get all the cool stuff.

But guess what, I can NEVER kill anyone while driving and smoking. But you CAN kill someone by drinking and driving. My point being, there are better drugs and better drugs for you than alcohol. In fact, if I had the choice to legalize a drug, it would not be alcohol. Sorry, nope. No way. I'd rather legalize pot. I know what you're thinking, "But Remy, alcohol is a safe drug, the government allows it...". Yeah, because it's taxed you moron! The government wants you to buy the taxed drugs to pay them. Regardless, let's look at this in a positive way. If you believe drugs have done nothing positive for us, grab all your CDs, mp3s, tapes, and records, and burn them, because the people were high when they made those songs. If they weren't, then the band is probably shitty like The New Kids on the Block.

Now, you're at a concert, and someone is being violent and aggressive. Are they more likely to be drunk or high? If you guessed drunk, you're correct. Not only would I make pot legal, I would make it mandatory. Just think, no more jerks honking their horn at you in traffic. They'd take a drag, then say something like "Oh, oops, sorry, I was taking life seriously for a second." Hey, I guess I'm a dreamer. But I'm not the only one.

Top Ten List of Modern Actors

We are moving away from rants for a little bit to post our personal list of favorite [insert topic here]. This week I'm going to list my top ten modern actors. Of course, this is all opinionated and feel free to leave comments and critique. The requirements for this list will be: 1) Had to have made at least three movies in the 1990s or 2000s with some box office success. 2) Must be younger than 50 years old. This list will be going bottom to top, so without further ado, here's number 10.

Number Ten: Shia LaBeouf
Best Movies: Transformers, Disturbia, Eagle Eye

I really wasn't sold on Shia LaBeouf, but Xyle swore to me he was a pretty good actor. After seeing Eagle Eye, I'm pretty convinced he deserves a spot on this list. You might know him from Even Stevens, but I personally remember him from the movie Holes, a good movie based on probably one of the first books I didn't absolutely hate. He's actually pretty good, and if you don't believe me, watch Eagle Eye. It has the Remy Seal of Approval, after all.


Number Nine: Tobey Maguire
Best Movies: The Spiderman Series, Seabiscuit

Wow. That was the first thought I had when watching the first Spider-Man movie. Not only did it have Willem DaFoe (an actor much too old to be on this list, but he kicked ass in Platoon and The Boondock Saints), it had a young actor who was probably unknown to many at the time by the name of Tobey Maguire. He probably wasn't the best actor for the role of Peter Parker, but he played the role well. Unfortunately for him, he will probably be typecasted for the rest of his life. Tobey deserves a spot on this list because Spider-Man was one of the few super hero movies to not suck this decade. And come on ladies, tell me you didn't think that upside-down kiss wasn't the hottest thing you had ever seen.

Number Eight: Johnny Depp
Best Movies: The Pirates of the Caribbean Trilogy, Edward Scissorhands, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Sweeney Todd

Johnny Depp would have been higher on the list if Tim Burton fangirls weren't all over his nuts like a mother on menopause who can't get her chocolate fix. In great truth, Depp is a good actor. But ask anyone, and his role as Captain Jack Sparrow was just him being Keith Richards without the drugs, and his role in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory paled in comparison to the original done by Gene Wilder. Regardless, if anyone had a knack for playing any role created in the creepy mind of Tim Burton, it would be Depp. And that right there deserves props.

Number Seven: Mark Wahlberg
Best Movies: Invincible, The Departed, Shooter

Mark Wahlberg started his career as the rapper and namesake of the group "Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch". I hated the Funky Bunch and Marky Mark as a musician, but when he moved onto acting, I began to respect the guy. Wahlberg is pretty versatile, even if Invincible didn't quite live up to the hype. Still, The Departed was a GREAT movie and I loved Shooter. Even the Max Payne movie about to come up looks pretty good. I expect more great things from Wahlberg in the future.

Number Six: Sean Penn
Best Movies: Fast Times at Ridgemont High, Dead Man Walking, Sweet and Lowdown, I Am Sam

Sean Penn is another good actor, but he's not top five worthy. I like a lot of his movies, and he certainly deserves to be on this list. I just don't know, a lot of his movies are either really good, or just really bad. The ones I mentioned, especially Fast Times, are classics that I will make my kids watch. Because Lord knows, the stuff in the theater and on television nowadays just suck.

Number Five: Jack Black
Best Movies: Saving Silverman, School of Rock, Tenacious D: The Pick of Destiny

Jack Black is my favorite fat actor. All of his movies I mentioned are great comedies and certainly deserve a place in anyone's collection. School of Rock opened up many kids to the sounds of classic rock, while Saving Silverman proved that sometimes when your friend is with a bitch, it takes a bit of sweet revenge to get him back on the right track. Not only can Jack Black be crude and funny for us teenagers and adults, he can also be good with children, one of the rare people I have seen to pull it off. Hats off to J.B. for kicking ass.

Number Four: Ben Stiller
Best Movies: A Night at the Museum, There's Something About Mary, Meet the Parents, The Royal Tenenbaums

Ben Stiller is named by Maddox as one of the most funniest guys ever. And it's true, he has a pretty good track record of being in comedies. Stiller has always been a favorite of everyone who watches movies, even my grandmother likes him. There's Something About Mary always stuck in my mind as a kid, mainly because of the infamous "hair gel" scene. The "Meet The..." trilogy was also pretty good, too. Even if it did spawn a whole bunch of stupid parody movies. But if Ben Stiller is such a good actor, who could possibly top him? Well, onto number three.

Number Three: Luke Wilson
Best Movies: Bottle Rocket, Bongwater, The Royal Tenenbaums, Old School, My Super Ex-Girlfriend

Luke Wilson is my favorite member of the Frat Pack. Not only is he just as funny as Ben Stiller, he has the look of someone who just wants to kick your ass. While most of the actors on this list do comedy films, I have never laughed harder than any of the films I've seen him play in. Old School is my all-time favorite college movie ever, and Wilson fit the part of the lead character perfectly. Also, you might remember him playing the role of Casey Kelso on That '70s Show, arguably my favorite television show of all-time (Along with House, M.D. and Dirty Sexy Money). This concludes the comedic actors, as the top two actors are certainly deserving of their spots.

Number Two: Nicolas Cage
Best Movies: Leaving Las Vegas, Face/Off, City of Angels, Gone in Sixty Seconds, The Family Man, Honeymoon in Vegas, National Treasure 1+2, Ghost Rider

Nicolas Cage is number two on this list. He beat out all the actors except for the top one, which might seem a little controversial when you read who it is. Cage has quite the resume, not only did he star in great movies, as you can see, every movie he has starred in has been different. Although he mainly does action movies, he did do some drama (City of Angels, Leaving Las Vegas), and some comedies (The Family Man, Honeymoon in Vegas), along the rest of his action type movies. Like Tobey Maguire, he too has starred in a pretty good superhero movie (Ghost Rider, don't listen to Rotten Tomatoes, whose highest ranked movie is Toy Story 2), but unlike Maguire, he will never be typecasted. Nicolas Cage, in my opinion, could have been the best actor of this generation, had it not been for...

Number One: Tom Cruise
Best Movies: Risky Business, Top Gun, Born on the Fourth of July, A Few Good Men, The Mission Impossible series, Jerry Maguire, The Last Samurai, Collateral, War of the Worlds

Tom Cruise is the number one actor on this list. He's also the second oldest, after Johnny Depp. But why is Tom Cruise number one? The man can do it all, comedy, drama, action, sci-fi, you name it, he can PERFECT it. His religion aside, Tom Cruise is, as stated by Economist Edward Jay Epstein, "Cruise is one of the few producers (the others being George Lucas, Steven Spielberg and Jerry Bruckheimer) who are able to guarantee the success of a billion-dollar movie franchise. Cruise is also one of the few actors on this list to make a splash impact in THREE decades ('80s, '90s, and '00s). He has quite the resume, and the acting skills to back it up. Whether he will be reknowned as famous or reviled in infamy, no one has had such an effect on modern movies as Cruise has. Period.

That's all for the top ten actors, but I'll list the few who just barely missed it:

Topher Grace
Will Ferrell
John Travolta (Too old, by four years)
Adam Sandler
Steve Carell
Owen Wilson
Vince Vaughn

Sorry for the inactivity.

*Xyle*

Sorry for the inactivity the past however long it's been. I've been too busy to post a rant and Remy was waiting on me so as to not throw off our nice rhythm we have going on. I'm not in a particularly ranty mood today, though, so instead I'll give you an update on our game projects.

As Remy may have mentioned somewhere earlier, Epic is being put on the back burner while I revive two of my older projects, remakes of Dragon Warrior 1 and 2. So far, I'm working on the maps, then I'll start working on all the enemies. No estimated release date yet, however.

Again, I apologize again for the lack of posts and hope that soon I'll get back into the habit of ranting daily.

Shut the Hell Up, You're Not Cool or Unique For Listening to Bands That Aren't Mainstream

I'm tired of people who claim they are better for listening to bands that are "underground" or "indie". There is nothing remotely better about an indie band than something mainstream. I'm not saying indie bands suck, I like a few of them like Neutral Milk Hotel, Godspeed You! Black Emperor, The Decemberists and Elf Power, but those are pretty common known non-mainstream bands. These type of people just come off as elitists dicks (or cunts, because I know a few women who think they are "awesome" for listening to underground stuff) by flaunting around their "excessive" knowledge of good music.

Let's face it, every band goes mainstream some day. A few good modern examples are Modest Mouse and The Arcade Fire. All the grunge acts of the '90s weren't signed to mainstream stuff either. I guess most of my rage comes from this girl back in my AP European History class. She critcized me for wearing a Beatles hoodie (arguably the best and most influential band ever). When I asked her what she listened to, she told me about all the "underground metal" she listened to, like Shadows Falls. Excuse me, SHADOWS FALLS ISN'T FUCKING UNDERGROUND, THEY'RE ABOUT AS UNDERGROUND AS IRON MAIDEN YOU SKANK. Okay, rage over. There was also this slut who went by the name Maria Dill. For one, she thought she was so cool for beating Guitar Hero...on medium. I can beat Medium on Guitar Hero by playing the damned guitar behind my back. Two, she asked my friend Ed on how to be more "scene" and "underground". God I hate this bitch, and any one else like her. For all the "indie" people, listen to this band, it might help:

http://www.thefalloftroy.com

Remy out, I'ma listen to some music without some stupid label thrown on it.

If women were more like men, the world would be a better place.

Over the past couple of days, I've realized something--Women suck. And not in that good way that you want them to again and again.

Now, hear me out on this. They like to fuck around with your head--they're not satisfied unless your life is miserable, because it justifies their own pathetic existence. They've realized that when we're miserable about something, we'll come to them to talk about it, and we're usually too stupid to realize that they're the source of all the misery to begin with. For example, Remy has a friend who was pretty down on his luck, so this other dude's sister offers to let him stay with her. Now, that's nice and everything, but after a while of the guy sleeping on her couch, she decides to approach him and asks if he wants to sleep in the same bed as her.

Ok, let's take a break here and assess the situation. THIS IS A FUCKING HINT. Any guy would hear that and think, "score!" This means you're getting some. There's no other translation for that. So the dude starts sleeping in her bed. Now, a few times he felt uncomfortable with it and tried to sleep on the couch, and the woman refuses and tells him to stay in her bed. Ok, let's take another break here--in 'Guy' that translates to 'I want your penis.' So after a few nights of sleeping with her like this, he finally works up the courage to try and kiss her. What does the bitch do? She shoves him away and says "Don't kiss me! I'm not interested in you like that!" ... Whaaat? Bullshit, you told the guy to fucking sleep in your bed! The poor guy goes and puts 2 and 2 together, and she expects him to get 3? What a bitch. So the dude moves out.

In my own experience, I hate it when women say "there's no way this could work." Bullshit. I was willing to do everything to make it work. What this translates to is "I'm not willing to put the effort into this to make it work." Then why did you lead me along for all this time, if you were so dead set on it not working? Here's a hint: if you're not expecting it to work, it won't fucking work. But please, take full blame for it yourself instead of coming up with bullshit excuses. It's your fault we broke up, not mine.

I was dating this one girl...well, we weren't technically "dating" but it was heavily implied. I liked her a lot, potentially even loved her. Guess I'll never know. I was willing to whatever I could to make it work. I gave up so much of the things I loved, just to make her happy. But all that changed when she decided she found someone else. So she pretty much told me we were over, and that she liked this other guy better. A few weeks pass, and she decides she doesn't like him because he "fell right into her lap." Well, shit, you only fucking MADE OUT WITH HIM. Then she has the balls to tell me about it, like I'm going to be sympathetic or some shit! Fuck that. What, a few weeks pass and magically all my wounds are healed? Christ, I can't understand women sometimes.

Women should be more like men, because it would be easier instead of them playing head games, to just say "You're hot, let's fuck."

Decaf Tea Blows

Decaf tea is horrible. Now mind you, I'm sitting here drinking some ACTUAL Oolong Tea that doesn't suck. The only reason to drink tea is to get that caffeine rush, and because it does in fact taste a bit better than coffee. In fact, the only reason I think coffee was invented was because people ran out of tea and they really wanted to stay up later and smoke more cigarettes (probably R.J. Reynolds because we know he made the best cigarettes). You can really taste the lack of caffeine in your tea, as if you were just making sweet, sweet love to a girl and you could totally tell she faked her orgasm. Like you had given her all she could handle, and the best she could do is fake it for you. But I guess it's just a fact of life that some things just suck.



^Like God (Or Satan/Buddha/L. Ron Hubbard/Confucius) intended.

Stop sucking that strap-on and put it in your pussy already!

How come all the porno girls INSIST on sucking the goddamned strap-on for like, 10 fucking minutes?! What, it's gonna magically cum like a real penis if you suck it long enough?? Fuck that! I want to see it in your pussy, not your mouth! If I wanted to see you suck something, I would have typed in 'blowjob'. Lesbians shouldn't suck anything besides clits and tits. Hell, I doubt half those girls are lesbians anyway, given how much they love sucking penis shaped objects. Are they trying to send the message that sucking something prosthetic is better than a real penis??

Stop sucking it and put it in your pussy, bitch.

Square-Enix: Please go back to Old School RPGS. KKTHX.

Am I the only one who hates Square-Enix? Time and time again, I'm forced to play shitty game after shitty game (with the exception of Kingdom Hearts II and Final Fantasy VII: Crisis Core), and sit back and wonder where the times have gone. You know, back when Enix was Enix and Square was Squaresoft. I guess this just shows how bad the industry has gotten, with only memories of my childhood for these two great companies.

I never played much Dragon Warrior, but I did love Dragon Warrior Monsters. And for Squaresoft, there was the Final Fantasy series, Chrono Trigger, Secret of Mana and I guess Parasite Eve. But now it's like the only thing left I have of them are, well...memories. My first RPG was FF7, and I loved it to death. I still have my copy of it on the Playstation. My cartridge of DWM is sitting with my other Game Boy games. It seems that this merger has done more bad then good.




^Square-Enix's last main character. What a fag.

Final Fantasy XII brought a new sense of suckitude to the series. After Final Fantasy X-2, NOTHING could get worse, right? WRONG. It did get worse. At least FFX-2 had a familiar battle system, FFXII had a shitty one. It felt like I was playing .hack, which isn't a bad thing, but that's not Final Fantasy. Vaan was a poor excuse for a main character. Penelo was annoying. The only saving grace the game had was Balthier and Fran. I <3 Fran. So much, I would jam unnamed items in certain orifices of her body. Anyways... the game would have been much better with Buckethead as the main character. If you don't know who Buckethead is, here's a picture.



^Buckethead in all his glory.

Buckethead wouldn't take any shit from Penelo like Vaan would have, which probably would have made it a better game. Regardless, it was a piss poor effort by Square. While there have been some great games, like Kingdom Hearts II and Crisis Core, those alone can't save Square. I just hope Final Fantasy XIII blows the balls off of people, because damn, Square hasn't made a great RPG since FFIX. They are even getting which handheld to release games for wrong too. Why would you release Chrono Trigger on the DS?! I would much rather play an updated Chrono Trigger with better graphics on my PSP. Gah, I hate this.

Enix isn't off the hook either. Enix's crowning acheivement is Star Ocean 2. Perhaps the most underrated and best RPG on the Playstation. I logged so many hours into it, it was unreal. Star Ocean: Until the End of Time sucked, but at least they are putting both Star Oceans on the PSP. Yay for us. Maybe one day...just one day, we will see a game worthy of the labels for both Square and Enix. A man can dream, can't he?

Sonic the Hedgehog has sucked balls since Sonic CD, and dipshits at Sega are too stupid to notice.

**This rant has been brought to you by Xyle**



Why, Sega? WHY?! What the hell have you done to Sonic??

I grew up with Sonic. When I was a kid, I thought he was BAD ASS. I adored him. I watched his cartoon show every Saturday morning (which is probably why it got the nickname SatAM from its fans, who obviously did the same). I played all his games. Then Sega decides to take a gargantuan shit on the franchise.

Now, don't get me wrong. Sonic games are still fun (Except Sonic 2006 on the PS3/3FixMe. That bug-ridden piece of shit) but they just lack a certain SOMETHING that the series hasn't seen since Sonic CD. Part of what made Sonic so cool and badass in the first place just simply disappeared. Well, I want to know what happened. If Sonic is so special to get his own dev team (SonicTeam), then why has the series continued to epically suck? The even bigger question is why do people still buy this shit, even when it fails this hard? Sega needs to get their asses in gear unless they want people to give up on the Blue Blur forever, and I just so happen to have some ideas.

1. Enough with this "Adventure" bullshit. Sonic games are supposed to be fast-paced and about speed, not thinking. Do away with the Adventure zones, and just have Stages.
2. Enough with playing as other characters! Why would I want to play as Knuckles and go on a treasure hunt? Focus the game ENTIRELY around Sonic. The only other character that needs to be controlled AT ALL is player 2 being able to use Tails, and even then that's more of a gimmick than an actual gameplay element.
3. No more "real world" bullshit. The game needs to take place on Morpheus, and ONLY Morpheus.
4. Dr. Eggman? What the FUCK?? His name is ROBOTNIK, dipshits!
5. Please, for Christ's sake, let the director of SatAM do the third season and finish the story! The guy already has it all planned out, he just needs the go-ahead from you morons. What do you have to lose? The franchise has gone to shit anyway, might as well let it have one final chance to NOT SUCK.

^A black hedgehog, and a white hedgehog? That won't be seen as racist at all! And the black one holding a gun? NAW! It's pure genious!

Sega, I'm sick of your bullshit. I'm sick of you guys ruining my childhood hero. Hell, I'm sick of you guys ruining one of gaming's icons. Either get your asses in gear and get some competent (read: not shitty) people to work on Sonic, or retire him for good. I'd rather see him burn out than fade away.


In memory of better days.

ICP is the Worst Band Ever

^Insane Clown Posse fans showing how "cool" the band really is.

God, I can't stand Insane Clown Posse or their obnoxious fans. I remember back in high school how many of them there were. And I thought Slipknot fans were bad. I mean, just wow. ICP fans make Slipknot fans look good. For starters, I'm going to rip the band a new one. First, what the HELL is with the name? Insane Clowns? This isn't Twisted Metal, clowns aren't freaking scary. Or insane, for that matter. Evidently their original name was Inner City Posse, but I guess they felt it wasn't scary enough to appeal to rebellious, angst-driven twelve year olds whose balls haven't dropped yet. Two, NO white man can rap. The only exception is Eminem, who is actually pretty good at what he does. Obviously, they can't just admit that they are a rap band, so their fanbase and themselves throw around the genres "Hardcore Hip Hop" and "Horrorcore" to make them seem better than they actually are.



^KISS Rip-Offs

Another thing I just LOVE about Insane Clown Posse is their "use" (read as: theft) of KISS's make-up gimmick. When KISS wears make-up, it looks badass. After all, KISS started the costumes and make-up thing as a part of their live performances. But ICP, who doesn't even list KISS as an influence, blatantly stole their main gimmick. But no matter how much they steal from others, they still suck.

I'm done tearing the band down. But this doesn't mean I'm finished. Hell no, I need to address the worst aspect. Their fans. ICP fans are like a crazed wolf, ready to tear anything to shreds if it isn't to their liking. It's sickening. They dress like the band, and walk around calling each other "juggalos". Anyone who they deem to not be a fan is called a "Juggaho", even though the band has exclaimed that anyone can be a juggalo, even if they don't listen to the band. And I quote "there are no requirements to being a Juggalo. We don't care if you spend a dime on merch, or if you know the words to every song. If this music touches you, and you get some positive experience from it, we would be honored to have you consider yourself a Juggalo." Also, Shaggy2Dope also stated this in a 2005 interview. "You could be a Juggalo and not even listen to ICP. A Juggalo is a frame of mind and what not. And I was a Juggalo before we started with ICP. [...] You don't even to have to fuckin' necessarily listen to [Psychopathic Records] to be a Juggalo. Juggalos are Juggalos."

So with these two statements, where do these fans get off saying who is a real fan and who isn't? It's a load of crap from a horrible band to begin with, but jeez, they should be wanting more fans, not less. Also, what's up with the fans talking about this Dark Carnival shit. It's so idiotic it gives me a headache. They can't even think for themselves either! They drink Faygo brand soda, not because it's inexpensive, but because ICP used to drink it. Great going, morons! Drink that crappy brand of soda because ICP told you to. Please, jump off a cliff too, no one will miss you. I promise.

Menthols are for pussies.

**This rant has been brought to you by Xyle**

This image confirms the title of this rant. (NOTE: image NOT SAFE FOR WORK) (UPDATE: Photobucket decided that image "Violated their terms of use," so they removed it. I'm too lazy to upload the image anywhere else, so for the curious it was a pussy with a cigarette in it that had "MENTHOL" splashed underneath it.)

Every time I'm out smoking with my friends, INEVITABLY, one of them pulls out a pack that has the big fat "MENTHOL" tag splashed across the front of the box, and I just wanna kick them in the face. Why the fuck would you smoke that shit? They don't taste good. The only reason you should EVER smoke menthols is if you're sick and you're too damn lazy to take cough drops, or you're a woman. Unless you fall into one of those categories, grow some balls and smoke a real cigarette! What, afraid of a little tobacco? Congratulations, you're a bitch. I think it should be made a law that if you smoke a menthol while a) not a woman, and b) not sick, it should be mandatory for you to get a sex change, because you're officially a PUSSY.

Here. Want a menthol?

Cosplayers are the Anti-Christ to Anime Fans

**This rant brought to you by Remy**





^Douche

Now, I have nothing against anime fans. In fact, I'm an anime fan myself, albeit a bit more casual. But let's get real, cosplay is just stupid and wrong. Cosplayers to anime is like Trekies to Star Trek. Now, don't get me wrong, I like anime. But I don't cosplay. Why would I want to? I don't even dress up for Halloween, I just put on a mask and go around with a knife scaring little kids.

This rant ties to an experience I just saw this weekend at Suncoast. Here I am, in the store with my friend browsing the collection of anime and hentai DVDs, and these cosplayers were being loud and obnoxious talking about Bleach and Naruto. My friend walks up to the very bad looking Inuyasha cosplayer (Because let's face it, only fucking ugly people cosplay), and he says "Who are you supposed to be, Sesshoumaru?". The cosplayer must have been offended, because he went batshit on my friend. "NO I'M INUYASHA! CAN'T YOU TELL?!". My friend simply responded with "Well, they look so alike, and I mean, you were turned around." So they continued about the anime they see on Cartoon Network, and because I'm the asshole I am, I ask "So, have you guys seen Mobile Suit Gundam?." Another cosplayer says "No way! We only like Gundam Wing and Gundam SEED." I just shrugged it off, they were only proving my earlier point. So my friend and I go to buy our things, and this lady and her husband walk into the store. They see the cosplayers acting like idiots and she says to him "They better not be back there trying to run the store." At this point, my friend and I left and went to Taco Bell for lunch.

A few days later, we went back to Suncoast and brought up the cosplayers to the manager, a pretty cool dude named Jackson. He agreed, calling them idiots and cosplay retarded. But only when we talked to Cesar (pronounced SAY-zar), did we find someone who felt the need to defend them. Infact, he went as far to pull sports into the argument. He was telling me how a sports fan can dress up and support their team, why can't an anime fan cosplay? Well, I argued with this counter-point. When a sports fan dresses up crazy for a football game, it's to be expected. He loves his team. But out in public, he's normal. He might wear a jersey, sure, but it's just a sports shirt. Infact, even when he dresses for the game, he doesn't go out to malls dressed up like that. But cosplayers cosplay at malls, and almost every where. Not just anime conventions. It's stupid. I also brought up how when white people dance to hip hop, they tend to look out of place compared to someone black. Or when white people wear their hats to the side. It's a black cultural thing, and no one else should be doing it, because then they look stupid. It's the same thing with cosplay. Only asians should do it. PERIOD.

Cesar seemed to angry because I had "played the race card". He said "Well you're discrminating against cosplayers like the white people did to Rosa Parks on the bus." How in the hell are those two situations similar? I guess maybe in some aspects, but he compared me to a KKK member. For what? Discriminating against my own race? God, I hate it when people defend cosplay.



^Is there anything wrong there?

No, there isn't. People just need to shut up and leave the cosplaying to asians.

NintenDON'T

**This rant has been brought to you by Xyle**

Nintendo's continued success with their new wave of casual crap just continues to astound and amuse me. Here we are, at the pinnacle of console gaming, with games that blur the line between video game and reality, and not only do people think about taking Nintendo seriously, but they actually PURCHASE their shit! Yeah, you heard me. THE WII SUCKS. Not only does it suck, but it's continued success is sending a negative message to game developers. Hey, not only can you spend less money by making a graphically inferior game, you can make MORE money by adding in some unnecessary motion sensor controls and slapping the label "CASUAL" on it! Oh my GOD. Are they serious? Do we REALLY want developers thinking that we actually WANT this "casual" bullshit?? Eventually what's going to happen is developers are going to start taking well-loved "hardcore" franchises and open them up to this "casual" gaming phenominon, and we're just going to see gaming as a whole suffer in the long run! Can you imagine a "CASUAL" Final Fantasy, or a "CASUAL" Legend of Zelda?! Fuck no! I refuse to buy in to this bullshit. I'm a GAMER. I play REAL GAMES. For longer than 10 minute intervals! I don't want shitty motion sensor controllers that have fucking LAG as you wave them all over the place, I want a motherfucking DualShock 3! Even MICROSOFT is going in more of a right direction than Nintendo, and they have a fucking 40% chance fail rate! No. No, I REFUSE to buy into the hype. I REFUSE to support Nintendo.

"Oh, but Nintendo is encouraging old-school gaming with the Virtual Console!" Umm, no? Emulation has been around for years, and last I checked, that's FREE. Not to mention, when you buy a game off the VC, you aren't actually purchasing. No, you're purchasing the right to an indefinite LEASE to play the game. Yeah, you heard that right: "Buying" games off the VC is basically the same as "RENTING" a game indefinitely for a small fee. And with emulators, you can use graphic filters and save states! Gee, it's so hard to pick which one I'd rather have! No, Nintendo's just milking another trend with their VC, much like they are with the Wii's main catalogue.

"Well the controller is revolutionary!" Oh, really? I thought it was about as revolutionary as the Power Glove, and we all saw how well THAT did. Who's idea was this piece of shit? Am I the only one who's noticed that all the best games on the Wii, are the ones that use the motion sensor controls to a MINIMUM?? Not to mention you look like a fucking ass waving it around all over the place! No thanks, I'll stick to REAL controllers and play REAL video games on REAL gaming consoles.

The Wii isn't a gaming console. It's a fucking TOY.

Megadeth > Metallica

**This rant has been brought to you by Remy**

In light of Metallica's new album, Death Magnetic, it reminded me of an age-old argument that has been around in metal circles for a long time. While some sites like http://www.allmusic.com might have given Death Magnetic rave reviews, it is public opinion(and more importantly, mine) that Metallica still hasn't changed much. You'd think after SEVENTEEN years since their last okay album they would have figured out that their fans want some thrash metal, not nu-metal. Of course, Death Magnetic was a huge improvement over St. Anger, but even then, that's not saying much. At least Megadeth has never failed me or their fans.

Yeah, I said it. Megadeth is better than Metallica. Megadeth, have not only released MORE albums than Metallica despite forming later, Mustaine and crew have only failed once, and that's only because Lars Ulrich tried to coerce Mustaine into taking a "Risk". Metallica screwed up years ago by firing Mustaine. Mustaine isn't just a better guitar player than Kirk Hammett, but he can also sing, write songs, and play solos with effects other than the wah-wah pedal. Hammett doesn't even write his own solos, Ulrich and Hetfield do. Metallica has just fallen downhill since ...And Justice, and it's rather sad. But, if Hetfield and/or Ulrich is reading this, I can guarantee I have the solution to make Metallica the great band it once was.

Step One: Fire Kirk, Re-hire Dave. Easy step, and it's quite the upgrade. They gain a back-up singer and someone who can actually solo.

Step Two: Fire Robert Trujillo, hire Fieldy from KoRn. Again, Rob sucks, Fieldy would be better. How the FUCK did you guys pass up on Les Claypool when he auditioned?!

Step Three: Fire Lars Ulrich, hire anybody with the talent of Dave Grohl or better. And since the only person with talent less than Dave Grohl is Ulrich himself, they can get anybody. But since Slipknot is breaking up, how about you grab Joey Jordison?



^Yes, those ARE the drums Ulrich used on St. Anger.

Unfortunately, we are only left to hope and pray for something like that happen. But in the meantime, Dave can get RAGED over Death Magnetic and inspire himself to create something much better, like he always does.



*throws ninja smoke bomb*

Introductions

Project Epic is ran by two people, Remy and Xyle. In addition to this being a blog, we are planning on creating a RPG using RPG Maker XP, entitled... Epic. That's all for now.

-Remy