Sunday, February 21, 2010

The Vag Rules

The Rules of Having a Vagina

with help from my good friend Chris.

I've come to notice that women abide by a certain set of rules, that only apply because they don't have a penis. Sadly, as long as you are dating or married to one, you are binded by these rules eternally until you decide to kill yourself or you die, or kill your spouse. It didn't take long to see that many of these rules are double standard. Infact, ALL of these rules, are double standard. Why? We don't know. And we probably never will. So what are these rules, exactly? Well, here's a quick rundown.

1) "I am right, and you are wrong. Period."

No pun intended either. If you're right, you're wrong. If you're wrong, you're wrong. If you're neither and it's gray area, you are wrong. End of story. End of discussion. This is not debateable.

2) "It's okay for ME to take things out on you, but if you so much as dare look at me the wrong way, you're dead."

This one baffles me the most. Everyone has a bad day. Sometimes, you accidently make it worse. This one is normally a trap. You do something, anything, and for no reason at all, even if you had good intentions, you get bitched at. But! If you had the bad day, and it was you who made big deal over something, you're sleeping on the couch. No if, ands or buts.

3) "Don't answer my questions my honestly. I will never agree with you."

This is another one that traps you. Infact, it's probably the oldest rule in the book. Here's an example.

"Does this dress make me look fat?"

BAD ANSWER: "Yes, you are a fucking cow."

Even if it's true, don't say it!

Bad Answer #2: "No honey, not at all."

Again, even if it's true, the woman will say you're lying, or they won't agree with you out of principle.

Correct Answer: "What did you say, honey?"

More often then not, they won't repeat something they've already said. You dodged a bullet with the correct answer.

4) "If we argue, make sure you let me have the last word, because I will pursue my point until you admit I'm right."

Women love to have the last word. Even if it's trivial, they always have to point it out matter of factly.

"Wow, Megan Fox is hot."


"No, I don't think she is."


Let it go right there, no matter how you slice it, they will keep going until they have the last word.

5) "You can trust me no matter what, but I can't ever trust you. Boys have penises and therefore they can't be trusted."

This one is all too true as well. Women can do anything they want without ever telling you what they did, but if you so much as go to Gamestop without letting them know, all hell breaks loose. Even if you were there to buy the lastest FPS, they assume you slept with some waitress from Denny's on the way.

6) "A joke I make is fucking hilarious, a joke you make is worse than Dane Cook's newest cd."

Another one that is so double standard that you're actually seeing doubles of yourself. Girl tells a joke. It was funny, so you laugh. Fast forward a bit, and you tell a joke. Even if it was just as funny (or more funny) then hers, it isn't. You got relegated to Dane Cook from the time she told her joke until the rest of the night.

7) "When a woman cheats, it's because they are confused about their feelings. When a man cheats, it's because he's a dirty sex addicted pig."

I don't codone cheating. I was cheated on, and it hurts like hell. But I flip through the channels, and Lifetime is on. I see a commercial that literally went like this.

"I cheated on Bobby!"
*Woman's friend comes over and gives a sympathetic hug*
"It's okay honey, you can't help who you fall in love with."

The next commercial showed something similar.

*Husband is in corner, crawled up in the fetal position because his wife has a gun*
"I couldn't help it. I was confused about my feelings. You can't help who you fall in love with."
*Woman cocks gun*
*bang bang*

What the hell? That is such bullshit. I think Lifetime caters to women because as a target audience, they are easy to draw in. Why do you think NASCAR went and grabbed Danica Patrick off of the Indy Circuit?

These aren't all the vagina rules, but they are most of them. Expect an update on these sometime in the future.

Friday, February 12, 2010

The Liar, pt. 2


I just got an email from Liar, which absolutely made my day and gave me the giggles. I shall now post it in its entirety for you all to see.


subject: Response to your fucked up blog

You fucking asshole. "Would like to stay friends" my ass. I just blocked you for a few days, and removed you from facebook. So much for that eh? Fuck that. Yes, I read your blog. You know what? My parents do notice I go missing, they just don't ask questions, they assume I head over to my friends house. Yes, I was raped twice in one month, there are two fucking police reports on it. No, I've never been fucking kidnapped or said so. Chris didn't fake his death so he didn't have to put up with my shit anymore, he faked it because he's in a worse situation then I am, do I care if you believe me? No. Thought I'd point out the truth, seeings as you are in need of getting your facts straight.

As for still being alive? I told you I broke a rib and shattered another one, thats from them. Then again you're a messed up fuck who gets high because his life is "so fucked up and miserable." I've never claimed I was about to die, and my ribs and being stabbed are the only things I ever fucking told you about, and have ever fucking happened.

Also, I removed you way before you removed me, so thanks for making it seem like you did it first. I've been to the police, and then never did fuck all. I've never been abducted, or kidnapped by the mafia. If anything, my brothers came and grabbed me. I've been over our conversations, and you make up a shit load of lies. Do you get off on that, seeing as you can't find a girl to do it for you?

You wanna talk about physic vampires? Look in a fucking mirror. I've tried god knows how many time to walk away, even gave you the choice, but someone wanted to stick the fuck around. God, I'm sorry I put up with all YOUR shit. You need some therapy, sereious. I mean c'mon, finding your biologicals and them not wanting you so you're stuck with your "shitty and controling" adoptive parents? Really, you need help if not even your family wants you.

Fuck you, and go get a life. Ruining someone elses, and then trying to pin it on them, isn't a life. It's one fucked up mental situation that needs to be in a psyc ward.

As for Chels, if you and her are still talking, tell her she can go fuck herself too.


Priceless. Just priceless. So my response was:



Maybe if you read Anton LaVey's essay you'd be able to respond better. The reason psychic vampires are so dangerous is because they make you feel compelled to be around them. I honestly felt like I HAD to stay in contact with you, or else you'd do some crazy emo shit. As for the rant, don't bullshit, Erin. You told so many lies you probably can't even keep up with them all anymore. Oh, and my birth family not wanting me? Really? I'm pretty sure I still live with my adoptive parents because it's closer to school. See, when I troll, at least my trolls make sense.

You seriously need to learn how to type, by the way.


I hope you read this too, Erin, and then send me another raging email so I can post it here as well and laugh my ass off while you continue to make yourself look like a moron.

Oh, and all you other readers out there? Feel free to troll that email. I put it up there for a reason.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

The Liar and the Bitch


Recently, I had to cut off contact with someone I was very good friends with. She was simply...well, bad for me. If any of you haven't read Anton LaVey's essay about psychic vampires, I highly recommend you look it up. For those of you who are too lazy, it's basically about people who drain you emotionally and never give you anything in return. That's precisely what this girl did to me.

Since the girl in question may read this, for the sake of her privacy I shall refer to her as Liar. Now, Liar liked to tell lies (hence the name). Completely out-of-proportion, totally unbelievable, "wtf" worthy lies. But she expected everyone to believe her. Now, I was dating a girl at the time who also may read this, so for the sake of her privacy we'll call her Bitch. Bitch and Liar were very good friends. In fact, it was Bitch who introduced me to Liar in the first place. But as time went on, Liar's stories got more and more unbelievable. Here's a paraphrased example of one:

Liar: Guys, a gang in The-Middle-Of-Nowhere, Canada kidnaps me every night and forces me to play nurse. If I don't do it they'll kill me.
Bitch: Wow. Umm, and your parents don't notice? What with you being gone every night?
Liar: ....
Bitch: Why not go to the police?
Liar: They won't do anything!
Me: Right, because police just love to let gangs in Population: Approx. 100-ville run rampant.

As if that wasn't bad enough, it evolved into this:

Liar: Guys, the mafia kidnapped me and they're holding me hostage!
Bitch: So naturally they let you online to tell us about it, right?

Eventually, Bitch got fed up with it and told Liar to fuck off. Bitch didn't want to be friends with her anymore. Man, I envy Bitch. I had to put up with this bitch (Liar, not Bitch--me and Bitch broke up shortly after this. That bitch.) for 2 more years.

As all of Liar's friends started to leave her because of her lying ways (her boyfriend even faked his death so he wouldn't have to put up with her anymore. DAYUM!), I somehow remained the only one left who supported her. I dunno, I have a bad habit of trying to be friendly to people no one else likes. My bad. Her stories just continued to get more and more ridiculous, and evolved from being raped twice in one month (I honestly believe she forgot that she had lied to me about it already and made up a new story) to being shot at 3 days in a row by afore-mentioned gang members in Buttfuck, Canada. I believe throughout the course of the 3 years I knew her, she was "about to die any day now" at least 30 times, "kidnapped by the mafia" at least 6, and "seriously injured" (broken bones/severe bruises/cuts/gun wounds) about 9 or 10 times. IN THREE YEARS. Yeah, very likely, Eri--I mean Liar. My bad, I almost slipped there.

So finally, the other day I laid down the law on that bitch (again, Liar). I was having an argument with someone when Eri--damn it!--Liar wanted to know what was wrong. I'll paraphrase the conversation from there on out:

Me: Liar, you never tell me what's going on with you whenever I ask, so why should I tell you about this?
Liar: Because the stuff I could tell you would get us both killed?
Me: .......Liar, do you really expect me to believe that? All you've ever told me since I've known you are these absolutely ridiculous stories about how people want to kill you, yet I can't help but notice you're ALIVE.
Liar: Becuase I'm IMPORTANT, maybe?
Me: Or because they're untrue. Liar, I don't have the emotional capacity to put up with you anymore.
Liar: Well good to know we're on the same page! I don't have the capacity to put up with you anymore, either!
Me: Alright then. Goodbye, Liar.

And I blocked her and removed her from my Facebook.

Anton LaVey was right in talking about how dangerous psychic vampires are, and that you should remove them completely from your life. I strongly urge you to read his essay and take it to heart.

Oh, and...


Bitch. (Not that one)

Wednesday, February 10, 2010 you want some hot cocoa? Xyle's review of Steambot Chronicles.



Steambot Chronicles is quite the game. If you can manage to make it past the title screen (yes, it's THAT bad) then you're in for a real gem of a game. And considering you can pick it up used for $7.99 and new for $9.99, you really can't go wrong, can you?

So, Steambot Chornicles. It seems to me, considering the names of all the characters, that the developers who made this game must have been on the brink of starvation while working on it. Vanilla, Coriander, Basil, Marjoram, Savory, Fennel, Mallow...all the character's names are food-related in some form or another. The game is pretty typical RPG fare (wake up on a beach, amnesia, pretty girl finds you, etc.) and I was convinced it would stay typical the whole way through the game based off of the first five minutes. God, was I ever wrong. From the very first Mech Battle you fight, it's pretty obvious this game is anything but typical.

Utilizing what is quite possibly the most intuitive control scheme I have ever seen, Steambot Chronicles manages to make up for its weak story by having brilliant game mechanics everywhere else. Remember those big, yellow battery-powered trucks we all thought were the shit when we were four, and they had the one stick on each side you pushed forward to go forward, or put one forward and the other back to turn? That's precisely how SBC works, using the two analog sticks. It's quite frustrating at first, but once you get the hang of it, it becomes natural. By far, though, my favorite part of the game was customizing my mech with all the different weapons and parts scattered throughout the game, even though there are a couple of combinations of parts that are absolutely broken. One frustrating thing when on the field is that your mech has a fuel tank that slowly gets drained as you move around, although I never saw what happened if it completely emptied because I obsessively filled it every chance I got (which costs money). There are also a couple of situations early on where the enemies take what feel like cheap shots to win, and for the first few hours I saw the Game Over screen a few more times than I'm accustomed to in an RPG, and most of it was because I was still getting used to the controls.


There's also a dating sim side to the game, where you can flirt with, date, and eventually fuck (no joke!) one of three girls in the game. It starts out pretty innocently with selecting the right choices in conversations and giving them presents, then gets a little more interesting once you buy your own place and invite the girl over, then becomes hot and heavy when you ask her to clean your ears and if she wants some “hot cocoa.” Ok, so it seems like no big deal, but believe me, when you play it you'll see just how heavily implied the sex is. And considering how sexy one of the three characters is (me and Remy disagree on which one), this is completely ok with me. How many games rated T actually let you get laid?

This game claims to be a “sandbox” game. Don't let it fool you. The “sandbox” part translates to “oh, after this one part you can pretty much do what you want but there's really not much TO do, so just go and finish the story.” The cities simply feel too small to be a sandbox, there's too many loading screens inside the cities to make them worth exploring, the game is very limiting in what you can do so there's not as much freedom like there is in other sandbox games, and there's absolutely no incentive to abandon the main quest except for maybe one or two side quests that give you ridiculously overpowered weapons for your mech. As for being able to be good or evil, it really just comes down to one choice when a bad guy asks you “Will you join us?” and you say yes or no. Your previous choices have absolutely no bearing over it, because I had been playing the Good Samaritan up until that point and I still had the option to join the bad guys! I would have liked to see this side of the game expanded upon more. Games like Knights of the Old Republic really gave us the freedom to be good or evil, and actually gave us moral choices that affected the outcome of the game, and this game tried really hard to emulate that but simply didn't execute it properly. Which is a shame, really, because of what it could have been.

Oh, I forgot to mention that in the story, you join a band and play instruments via a very simple rhythm game mechanic. However, most of the songs suck with the exception of the last one, and outside of the required concerts in the story there's no reason to do it because you can make better money doing more productive and more enjoyable things. A neat idea, however it feels like it was used more as a gimmick. This is one of the things I'd like to see improved on the most if they make a SBC 2.


All in all, SBC was a highly enjoyable game at a more than reasonable price. You have absolutely no reason to not go and buy it right now. What are you waiting for? GO GO GO GO.

Final score breakdown:
Story: 6/10
Graphics: 7.5/10
Sound/Music: 7/10
Controls: 8.5/10
Gameplay: 9.5/10

Final score: 7.5/10

Friday, January 8, 2010

Congratulations to our Alabama Crimson Tide

The Alabama Crimson Tide are your 2009 BCS National Champions. Being that 'Bama gave us the name of this blog, and is also the team that both writers of this site support, we feel that we should give our due. Alabama went 14-0, undefeated through a tough SEC schedule, to beat the Texas Longhorns 37-21. After a dominating 24-6 first half, the game looked to be well in hand. But the Longhorns, without their starting QB and only a frosh to lead them, storm back to make it 27-21. Alabama caught fire again, lead by the return of Heisman winner Mark Ingram, to score two touchdowns to make it 37-21. Garrett Gilbert sealed the game by throwing an INT lead, and Alabama won their first title since the 1992. So once again, congrats to our Alabama team. ROLL TIDE!

Thursday, December 17, 2009

I'm In Your FFXIII...

Ruinin' your Lightning.