I'm In Your FFXIII...

Ruinin' your Lightning.

12 More Rules for Christmas

Hey all, it's that time again. You know, with the misletoe and every thing. Presents and all, there are some things to get really excited for. World peace, snuggling the last piece of the blueberry pie, the whole she-bang. But if anyone remembers our rules from last year, I've got a continuation for you all.

1) Don't believe fucking Kays/Jared/InsertJewelryStoreHere. Cheap is the way to go. Valentine's Day is right around the corner, so save your wallet the trouble and get something thoughtful rather than expensive for your significant other. If you don't have a significant other, pour out some of your drink to bless those homies who do. Because we all know what happens if they fuck up on Christmas.

2) Ham is a must. Christmas without ham is like sex with your grandmother. Bland, lifeless, and frankly, shouldn't be happening.

3) Stock up on Egg Nog. Enough said.

4) For every time you pass a Christmas cartoon on the television for something else, have a drink. If you willing sit through one, drink TWO.

5) Thoughtful cards fucking blow. Funny cards only.

6) This year's Christmas Beer is Rolling Rock. Cheap and tastes good.

7) It's mandatory to have an inflatable snowman on your front lawn.

8) The only candy canes worth buying are the sweet ones.

9) Ask for Borderlands. Yes, it delivers.

10) Have sex on Christmas Eve. Who cares if you have kids.

11) For the children, make sure to tell them that Santa Claus isn't real.

12) WOO YANKEES CHAMPIONSHIP. Suck it haters.

And as always, this song is *still* the best Christmas song.

Nobody Does It Better: A Ranking of All the Actors Portraying 007

Bond... James Bond. His name, and his legacy, is known to every person of every age. Whether you were born in the swinging '70s or the alternative explosion of the '90s, you know who James Bond is. He has been portrayed as 6 actors through 22 (or 23, if you count Never Say Never Again), all of them, at the very least, being decent movies. I have seen all of the Bond movies except Quantum of Solace, so I am going to embark on the impossible task of ranking the six Bonds. If you disagree with these rankings, that's your opinion, but for the most part, I'm right. Anyways, off to number six (That's right, you're going to have to scroll to find out the number one Bond, you lazy assholes).

#6: Daniel Craig



Uh oh, Remy is being biased by ranking Craig as the sixth best Bond! No, I'm not, so hold your horses people who are ready to call Craig the heir apparent to Sean Connery. But why is Craig being ranked so low? Well, to be honest, I never really felt that Craig felt the "Bond" image very well. With his blond hair, and bright blue eyes, it's almost like I'm not watching a Bond movie at all. However, with only two movies, I think my ranking might be a little unfair, but if there is one reason for this ranking, it's the fact that with him, the Bond series had to be restarted and retconned. Casino Royale, was an adaption of the first book, and because of this, Craig was inserted as the new Bond, a young, rookie Bond, who made mistakes. And while I liked seeing that type of Bond, because of the man Craig replaced (Brosnan), I find myself hard to like him, and therefore, he gets sixth best.

Best Movie: Casino Royale (2006)

#5: George Lazenby



Ah, George Lazenby. He was only ever in one Bond film, On Her Majesty's Secret Service, before Sean Connery came back to do Diamonds Are Forever. Timothy Dalton was originally offered the role, but he felt himself too young to fit the role of Bond. Then Roger Moore was considered, but due to working with the television program The Saint, he was unavailable. A multitude of other actors were considered, but director Harry Saltzman decided on the Australian-born Lazenby after seeing him in a commercial. OHMSS was the second part of the Blofeld trilogy, and was the only movie where Bond got married.

So what about Lazenby? He only sort-of looked the part, and he had almost no prior acting experience. He followed Connery, the first, and in many people's eyes, the best Bond. Many people, and Bond experts, seem to agree had OHMSS retained Connery as Bond, it would far and away be the best Bond movie in the series. But honestly, Lazenby wasn't that bad. He was just incapable of portraying the bigger than life version of Bond that so many people are accustomed to seeing. He seemed vulnerable and jittery at times, and the scene at the skating rink, he is actually scared. I think the director's were trying to show a different side of Bond than the audience were used to seeing. Overall, Lazenby was a suitable Bond, not the best, but certainly not the worst, as I'll give him a free pass. It's unfair to follow Connery, and then succeeded by him again, so Lazenby, you were okay in my eyes. After all, it was you who gave one of the most memorable scenes in the history of Bond. Cradling his dead bride, Bond looks down and mutters "We have all the time in the world."

Best (and only) Movie: On Her Majesty's Secret Service (1969)

#4: Roger Moore



Roger Moore, as you may or may not have known, starred as the secret agent more than any other actor by appearing in seven (official) James Bond movies. After Sean Connery came back to star one more time as 007 in the oft-maligned Diamonds are Forever, he decided to retire from being Bond after uttering the famous line "Never again", even after the producer's tried to get him to do one more. And Lazenby's questionable agent incorrectly predicted that Bond would not be as popular in the 70s as he was in the '60s, so that sparked a new search for an actor to play James Bond. While United Artists wanted an American to be chosen (Top candidates were Burt Reynolds and Paul Newman, respectively), however, producer Albert Broccoli insisted that a Briton should play the part. And the rest was history, as Roger Moore became Bond.

Unfortunately, even if Diamonds are Forever was very campy and too humorous for it's own good, it still made a LOT of money cashing in on the Bond name. So, seeing this as a cash cow, the producer's went with this direction for the next several Bond films. And this is why Moore is so low on my list. While he wasn't a bad Bond, he was just TOO silly at times, and was very bad in his first two films, and only ever had one truly great film. The Spy Who Loved Me, was Moore's third movie, which was far and away his best. This movie had it all: spectacle, romance, exotic locales, memorable action scenes, good characters and a classic theme song. It was almost too good for it's own, the only flaw I can put in this, was that the movie ran too long. Unfortunately, the franchise reverted back to the campy tone after this movie, so, like the franchise, Moore suffered with it. But for his portrayal of Bond in "The Spy Who Loved Me", he deserves the #4 spot on this ranking.

Best Movie: The Spy Who Loved Me (1977)

#3: Timothy Dalton



This is where things get interesting. Like so much of the casting of finding a new Bond, it always seems that one future Bond actor would be in the running for it. Way back when, in 1969, producer Albert Broccoli wanted Timothy Dalton to play the role of our beloved hero. Feeling himself too young, he declined the role. However, enter 1987, Roger Moore has just retired from being Bond, and you're looking for a new actor. A very popular television series, known as Remington Steele, has just took off, and an actor everyone loves (Pierce Brosnan) is being touted as a "perfect Bond". You offer him the role, but what's this? The ratings for Remington Steele just took off? Noticing that NBC has extended Brosnan's contract for another season, you will NOT let them ride the coattails of your movie. So in spite of this, Broccoli withdrew the role from Brosnan, Remington Steele was cancelled, and during the intervening period, Dalton was offered the role of Bond once again, to which he accepted.

Despite A View to a Kill being a financial success, it was lambasted by critics and received horrible reviews, noting that the only good part about the movie was Christopher Walken's "classic" Bond villain image. With a recast of the Bond role, Dalton injected new life into the series, as a more brooding and serious James Bond. A LOT, and I mean a LOT of people did not like seeing this sort of Bond. However, I liked it. No more campy humor, just plenty of action with a man that most looked like Bond since Connery himself. Dalton brought back the espionage and the realism that the series lacked during the Moore era, and his two movies were top notch.

His first, and perhaps his best, was The Living Daylights. Dalton did an excellent job, taking his role seriously and did all his own stunts. He also showed the dark side of Bond, which I rather liked. He lacked with the humor aspect, but I forgave that because he was just that good. I won't spoil this one for you, but if you haven't seen it, go download/torrent/buy/order it on HBO now.

The second movie, License to Kill, totally took the dark Bond to a whole new level. After his friend and wife are killed, Bond takes revenge on their assailant by pushing him into the same shark tank that his friend was killed in. While MI6 gives him a new mission, Bond refuses and resigns. At first, M refuses to let him resign, uttering one of the more famous lines in Bond history "We're not a country club!". He comes around though, and revokes 007s license to kill, along with his 00 agent status. He escapes MI6 custody, and becomes a rogue agent, although he is still assisted by Q. It only picks up from there, but I assure you, it's a good one. If you're a fan of the Moore films, then don't bother, you won't like it at all.

In short, Dalton looked like Bond, gave him a different personality, and his all business approach lands him at #3 on my list.

Best Movie: The Living Daylights (1987)

#2: Pierce Brosnan



If you grew up in the '90s like me, Brosnan WAS Bond. When I was little, I thought that Bond was only portrayed by Pierce and Connery. He was so suave, a consummate ladie's man, a professional. He knew when to be a romantic, when to be funny, and when to be serious. Almost as good as Connery. I have not met someone who did not like Pierce Brosnan as James Bond. All of the good games feature him as Bond, most notably the best FPS in the history of the genre, the one that started it all, Goldeneye for the Nintendo 64. Without it, you don't have your Haloes, or your Gears of War, or your Call of Duties. But I'm here to rank the actor, not the games.

Brosnan was offered the part after a six year hiatus, with people fighting over the rights to Bond and starred in the first post-Cold War Bond film, Goldeneye. Like Dalton before him, his first was his best, and if you have played the game, or the watched the movie, you know what I'm talking about. Why aren't I going in depth like I did with Dalton's movies? Because most people haven't seen Dalton's movies, whereas everyone has at least seen Goldeneye. Brosnan's Bond was more sensitive, more vulnerable, and more psychologically complete than every Bond before him, and he also had a loss of innocence that differentiated his Bond from the others. There was an air about Brosnan, as if he were before his time, and I felt his entry into the series really did bring about the turn around of the franchise itself. Arguably, if you're to look at the official picture of Bond by Ian Fleming, he looks more like Pierce than any other Bond actor. Tommorow Never Dies was also good, but unfortunately, The World is Not Enough and Die Another Day didn't live up to their hype. But if there was one constant throughout all those movies, it was that Pierce Brosnan was an excellent Bond. Unfortunately for him, there was one better...

Best Movie: Goldeneye (1995)

#1 Sean Connery



The original is always best. This is certainly true with many things, but it certainly holds true for James Bond. Connery is the epitome of Bond, whom every actor is compared to. Perhaps no one will ever be better, or even as good, as Connery was as 007. He starred in six films (seven, if you count the unofficial Never Say Never Again), and he practically carried them on his back. Connery was so good, that Ian Fleming made it so that Bond was half-Scottish, half-Swiss in his novels. And while it is perhaps unfair to compare any Bond to Connery, it is only just. Only two of his six movies were average, and none of them were below average.

There are many of his movies to choose from, whether it be Dr. No, or Thunderball, or the iconic From Russia with Love. Perhaps you're a fan of You Only Live Twice. Maybe your favorite was *gasp* Diamonds are Forever (shame on you, if it is). But to me, the best Bond film, and Connery's finest, was Goldfinger.

It is the perfect spy film, sucking in hardcore Bond fans and casual viewers alike. Every 007 film since, has some way, some form, followed the Goldfinger formula. It is the first film in the series to feature elaborate gadgets (the tricked out Aston Martin, anyone?), and had some of the most memorable death scenes (suffocation by gold paint), villains (Goldfinger and Oddjob) and the name that started double entendres for Bond women, Pussy Galore. In arguably the climax of the movie, Goldfinger has our hero tied down to a piece of gold, a laser cutting it in half. Bond, looking at Goldfinger, asks "Do you expect me to talk?". Walking away, Goldfinger turns to him and says "No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die!". There was plenty of humor, gimmicks, excitement, an amusing yet tense gold contest between Bond and Goldfinger, thrilling fights to the death between Bond and Oddjob and Bond and Goldfinger, and a fascinating central crime. In short, as I said before, perfect. So as I close out this post, I have to ask, have I changed your mind on anything? Perhaps you disagree with my rankings. But if I offered at least some insight to at least ONE Bond fan, I will consider this a success. So, in short, I am the Nostalgia Critic, and I remember it so you don't hav- *shot*

A-God!: A Tribute

Since we all know the Yankees will win the World Series tonight...or tommorow night, I'd like to commemorate a TRUE Yankee who has delivered time and time again this post-season. And no, his name isn't Mariano Rivera. Alex Rodriguez has delivered this post-season, and is the reason why the Yankees have done so well this year. So in short, a tribute.



Clutch-Rod after delivering on a HR.



A-God determining whether to crush the hearts of Phillie fans if he wants to end the World Series just yet.



Our lord and savior trolling the Rangers before getting traded to the greatest team of all-time.



A-Rod, once again trolling the opposing team by jerking off on home plate.



Eh, A-Rod's a pretty cool guy, he smokes the cigars and doesn't afraid of cancer.

Lesbians are the bane of existence and only want to steal your girlfriend.

Lesbians are the reason 95% of all relationships fail. While I grab my flame shield before all the pro-gay/pro-lesbian people get on my ass, I do have valid reasons for why they suck. While lesbians are hot, that really is their only talent. For porn. That's it, end of fucking story. I am convinced that their mission on this earth is to STEAL every man's girl for their secret lesbian agenda. I have seen more relationships fail because the girl decided that being with her perfectly fine man isn't good enough.

See, it always starts like this. First, the lesbian asks the guy's girlfriend if they can go somewhere for dinner. The girlfriend assures the guy that it's just something friendly. And that's the problem, nothing is ever friendly. When the girl comes back, she doesn't mention what happened. Later on, you see the girlfriend and the lesbian hugging, holding hands, but once again, assuring the guy that it's "friendly". Next comes the "friendly" kissing, and the "friendly" I love yous, and then the "friendly" going over the lesbian's house to spend the night.

After *all* that is done, normally on a day after the girl tells you she's not going to dump the poor guy, it happens. Guy gets a phone call, or a text message, or an IM, and then "the talk" happens. You know, the one that always starts with "We need to talk." And this happens, ALL. THE. TIME. Lesbians claim they don't do this on purpose, but we all know the lying rugmunchers are well...lying.

First off, they ALWAYS go for girls that are with boyfriends. See: every single lesbian porn video ever. Why can't they go for another girl? People always tell you there are other fish in the sea, but lesbians are INTENT on taking your goldfish. God forbid them to go after a tuna. Two, they know what girls want because they are girls. Because guys cannot understand the the female mind, they take advantage of this. This comes in handy during, once again, sex, to the point that guy becomes so inadequate, that he can't get the girl off. And finally, the lesbian has a more likable personality than the guy. What girl is going to want to be with someone that likes sports, video games, and nudity when she can have someone who likes make-up, chick flicks and going to the mall? So as you can see, the guy is at SUCH a disadvantage, he can't win. So what're you going to do about it?

I've devised this plan, just like the government in the Netherlands does for crack/heroin addicts. Set up a small area for the drug users, give them drugs, but they can't do anything except shoot up heroin. And that's where lesbians need to go. A place where they can only be with lesbians, preferably the fat ones, and that's all they can do. And if a girl is bisexual leaning MORE to the girl side, they have to go there too. That's completely fair, and if you disagree, you're clearly fascist. Or, if that's unfair, what about the rule that Mafia has in place? You get with a girl or guy who is taken, and you get MURDERED. I've eliminated the entire problem of cheating right there.

In short, folks, just say no to lesbianism.

The PS3 is better than the 3FixMe and the Nintendo Pee. GET THE FUCK OVER IT.

Well, you all already know how I feel about the Wii, so I thought maybe I ought to give the 360 it's chance so I can then bash it and tell you all why the PS3 is infinitely superior in every single fucking aspect. I guess the first thing I should tackle would be the fail rate. And for those of you who don't click that, there's a beautiful image on that page that I'm going to post here. Redundant? Maybe. Awesome? Hellz yes.



But seriously. The Xbox 3FixMe has a 54.2% fail rate. FIFTY FOUR POINT FUCKING TWO. That's just unacceptable. PIECE OF SHIT. Or as Remy would say, PIECE OF GURREN LAGANN. This game console is the result of Microsoft's gargantuan shit that wouldn't flush down the toilet, so they decided to market it instead. "But wait, Xyle," you may say. "What about SONY'S piece of shit? It's only fair if you talk about THEIR shit as well!" Very well, Clyde, I shall. The PS3 has a LESS THAN ONE PERCENT FAIL RATE. Despite what the BBC may claim, I've yet to hear of really any problems with the PS3, and the few I have heard were resolved by Sony in a timely manner. However, everyone I know with a 3FixMe has had problems with it. One of my friends at college is on his third one. What happened to the other two? RRoD, what else?

But allow me to get back on topic. The controllers. The 360 has the most god-awful controller I think I've ever had the displeasure of holding, aside from maybe the Virtual Boy, but let's just consider that the excpetion that proves the rule. PIECE OF SHIT. However, Sony decided to do things the right way and adopted an approach of "if it ain't broke, DON'T FUCKING FIX IT." The PS3 controller is superior in every way, shape, and form to the 360's except in maybe one regard: first person shooters. But really, if you bought a 360 for first person shooters, you're a moron, because computer's have this nifty thing called a MOUSE that's also superior to the shitty 360 controller. As a matter of fact I have yet to see one exclusive 360 game that either hasn't been ported to the computer or isn't going to be ported to the computer eventually. Which also brings me to my third point...

EXCLUSIVES. One can no longer refer to the exclusive argument when referring to the 360 being better than the PS3 because, frankly, it isn't true anymore. Halo 3? Piece of shit. Infamous? Amazing. Gears of War? Piece of shit. Metal Gear Solid 4? Amazing. And you wanna talk future exclusives? Well, let's see, we have Halo 49357205720: PeePee Vagina over in this corner, and Final Fantasy XIII Versus in this corner. Gee, I wonder what wins there?

While we're discussing games I feel I must bring up the subject of multi-platform games, because a lot of people claim they're the exact same on either console, which is a fucking lie. Bioshock? Added content on the PS3, better resolution. Eternal Sonata? Added content, better resolution. Prince of Persia? Better resolution. Star Ocean 4? Added content, fixed game mechanics, and most likely, you guessed it, better resolution. Oh, and let's not forget Batman: Arkham Asylum's Joker levels that are PS3 exclusives. So that right there is the multiplatform myth, DEBUNKED. God I'm so good at this.

At the end of the day I suppose it really does all come down to opinions, shitty little things though they are, but in all reality I believe there's enough evidence out there that proves the PS3 is superior. And with the new slim model being released for $299, you can no longer use price as a reason not to get one. So what the fuck are you still doing here? GO BUY A PS3.

There's a reason it's called a 3FixMe.

Follow Up on TTGL

I guess me ranting about TTGL didn't do anything to discourage people from watching it. That's fine. But just to be able to judge this series, I watched a few episodes of it, and Remy's quick capsule review..."Piece of shit". Yeah, yeah, end of the story, by the way. Don't get caught up into that fevered, high-pitched, phony fucking debate about this PIECE OF SHIT series. "Is it too over-the-top, what about the character development and awesome story and the hotness of Yoko?" ASASKHSAKJHKJ. You're just confused, you've forgotten how to judge correctly. Take a deep breath, look at it again. "Oh, it's a piece of shit!" Exactly, that's all it is. Satan squatted, let out a loaf, they put a fucking title on it, put it on television, "Satan's Shit". Piece of shit, walk away. "But what about the cleavage and the deep story line and the whole epic quest." SAJHDASHDKJASHKJHK. You're getting really baffled here. Piece of shit, now walk away. That's all it is, it's nothing more. Free yourself folks, if you see it, "Piece of shit", say it, and walk away. You're right. YOU'RE RIGHT. Not those fuckers who want to tell you how to think. YOU'RE FUCKING RIGHT. I don't want to seem like Randy Pan the Goatboy but uhh... the only reason I bothered giving that piece of shit series a chance, were because of the boobs. If I were to rewrite TTGL, the only person complaining about it would be Kamina. "I swear I was awesome in that series! I swear I was!" Well, gee, Kamina, the episode started, Yoko fingered herself for about thirty minutes, and then the credits rolled. I don't remember seeing your scrawny ass, Kamina. But really folks, there is no reason for me to care about it. Follow these steps, and we can eradicate shitty anime from existence.

Why I Can Never Ever Take Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann Seriously

Well, anime fans, pat yourselves on the back yet again. You've ruined ANOTHER anime for me. Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann is now on my list of anime I will never, ever watch. Oh, I'm sorry, you need proof that people are ruining it? Look no further then below this paragraph!



It all started a few months ago, when someone mentioned this anime to me called Gurren Lagann. I never bothered to look it up, but I took their word for it that it was good. I went onto OT, and I look around, and no topics, no nothing, and if there was, it was simply a topic discussing the show. No problem, right? Well, ever since two to three months ago, weeaboos found out how good the anime must be, and like the plague, they swooped in and claimed it for their own.

Now, I can't go anywhere without someone mentioned Gurren Lagann or how absolutely amazing it is. I go on OT, and half of the topics are about TTGL. And in every best character contest, I'm saying this literally, there were at no LESS than three or four characters from this anime in the top ten. How in the hell did it get so popular, and why? To figure this out, I went to Wikipedia to look at a plot summary.

"Gurren Lagann takes place in a fictional future in which human beings have been forced under Earth's surface and live in isolated subterranean civilizations. These "villages" have no contact with the surface world or other villages. Because frequent earthquakes damage infrastructure, the villages must constantly extend deeper into the earth—individuals relegated to this task are known as "diggers"."

"Jeeha Village is the home of Simon, a fourteen-year-old digger who was orphaned when his parents were killed in an earthquake. Although Simon is respected by the village elders as the best of the diggers, he is ostracized by his peers. Simon discovers a special drill key deep in the ground and is soon recruited by an eccentric fellow orphan named Kamina into his group the "Gurren Brigade". Kamina dreams of the surface world, which he once visited as a child, though he had to return home as he was too young to survive there."

Oh, gee willikers, another fucking overused plotline. "Orphans". When isn't the main goddamned character of an anime an orphan? Oh, and he's ostracized too? What the hell, is this the futuristic sequel to Naruto? Let's read on.

"After a failed attempt at reaching the surface, Kamina is jailed by the village elder. Simon resumes digging, only to discover "a big face" deep in his tunnel. As he excitedly fetches Kamina to show him the discovery, Simon is also caught by the village elder. Fortuitously, Kamina's punishment is interrupted by the collapse of the ceiling over Jeeha Village, as an enormous mecha falls into the cavern. A girl named Yoko appears and tries to repel the machine with a large rifle. Simon takes Kamina and Yoko to the "big face" he found earlier and discovers that the small drill key can be used to activate it. Named "Lagann", he uses it to destroy the invading mecha and effectively break through to the surface."

...Mechs. Mechs. You know, there are only four shows in existence that can get away with mechs. Gundam, Zoids, Gasaraki, and Full Metal Panic. And that's it. So just by reading the first two paragraphs, I can determine that this anime is a piece of shit. The simple equation for it seems to be Naruto + Gundam + Cleavage.

Weeaboos really ruin everything. If they aren't bitching about how everything affiliated with Japan is better than anything American (subbed anime over dubbed anime, etc), they go beyond their call of duty to hype shows up until no one wants to watch them and people get tired of hearing about them. It just drives me absolutely nuts. And of course, it didn't take cosplayers too long to catch on.



You can try to convince me that TTGL is worth watching, but you're just wasting your time, I will NEVER, EVER watch TTGL until the hype dies down. And that might be another ten years. And for you, fellow readers, as the great Bill Hicks said if you ever get into an argument "Say Piece of shit. And walk away."

Thank You Nintendo

This doesn't come very often, but I would like to thank Nintendo. Why? Because after a long, long wait, we are finally get remakes to Pokemon Gold and Silver, the best Pokemon games there ever could be. So thank you Nintendo, for the only good thing you've done in recent memory!

R.I.P. Michael Jackson

You know, I must admit, it's pretty sad that I have to rant about this at all. Not that because Michael Jackson died, because that's what is tragic here, but the sheer amount of backlash this caused. When Farrah died yesterday, I didn't see anybody make backhanded comments about her, and she was a druggie. Fuck Farrah, unless you were born in the seventies, you're not going to remember her.

Okay, so let me explain protocol here for the ignorant bastards who think it's funny to make child molester jokes a mere couple hours (or as of the current time, almost a day) after his death. I realize this is the internet, and everyone can be "cool" by going against popular opinion, but I don't remember this kind of crap being said when the Virginia Tech Massacre happened. Instead, the country gathered together in order to honor the dead. Even CJayC/Sailor Bacon on GameFAQs said "Remember, death in any circumstance is not funny."

Which is what bothers me. A guy, as eccentric in his later years as he was, died at the age of fifty. That's tragic just even then. Hardly anyone dies at fifty nowadays. As a kid, he was beaten mercilessly by his dick of a father. I'm not making excuses for the guy, but I do remember reading in psychology that things done to you during your childhood can lead to something when you're an adult. Now, regardless if he did what he did or not, we have to trust the law. Yeah, and I know what you detractors are saying "WELL OJ". OJ is fucking different, OJ's victims were dead, and Johnnie Cochran was a good lawyer, even if he did play the race card quite a bit. They had two chances to nab MJ, and both times they failed. Why? Because they found out the plantiff's were clearly lying. On top of having NO evidence, and that's easy to get with the technology nowadays, there's no excuse for these jokes to be made AT ALL. By verdict, we are to presume that Jackson was innocent.

But we can't do that, not even for a week. Fox News seemed to get their jollies by playing that clip of Jackson saying "It's not wrong to have children in your bed". They attacked him, the only news network TO attack him. And that's pathetic and really shows you how low their fucking program network is. To keep throwing this in his face is like when you die, and instead of people trying to remember the good times they had with you, instead they bring up the worst thing you ever done, like, oh, say, throwing a brick at someone and putting that person in the hospital. Only they keep bringing it up to the point that that's ALL they talk about and public consensus is that you're a monster. And honestly, I hope that happens to the people making those jokes now, because karma is a bitch.

So how about for at least a week, we remember what MJ did for all of us. Maybe it's a certain song or album, or how he danced, or how he got girls within fifty feet of him to scream for no reason. Not that bad, but what he did good for us. For me, it's the song Man in the Mirror. And if there is nothing good for you to remember about him, please, out of respect for his children and family, keep it to yourself and off Youtube/GameFAQs/Twitter/MSN/Facebook/MySpace/Etc.

RIP MJ, true legends never die.

lol Sony

The PSPgo is the lamest piece of shit I think I've ever seen, and the baffling thing is that Sony thinks gamers will actually spend their money on it! By doing away with the UMD drive and going download-only, this means that you'll no longer have physical copies of your games. Whose idea was this? I guarantee that almost NO ONE is going to be okay with that. Sony used to actually listen to their fan-base and try to please them, but lately it seems like it's always been "SONY SONY SONY SONY" instead. They claim they're doing it to conquer pirating, but seriously, Sony, let's be real here. About 5% of PSP owners have CFW, and of that 5% only about 10% pirate games. YOU'RE NOT LOSING THAT MUCH, DIPSHITS. And of that 10% who pirate, how many of them will go out and buy the game because they liked it? And for that matter, how many of your games are actually WORTH pirating? There's really no way to find out, but you know how many will buy games that come with no physical copy? Somewhere around zero, I'd imagine. Sony, you guys need to get your heads out of your asses. This is your FOURTH PSP. NOTHING WAS WRONG WITH THE FIRST THREE. Hell, nothing was wrong with the first TWO, for that matter. Sony used to be worth something, but now they're just a big joke.

lol Sony

Okay, I have a Bone to Pick....

For this rant, a lyrical allusion is in order.

"And if the people stare, then the people state. Oh, I really don't know and I really don't care!" - The Smiths, Hand in Glove

Seriously, what THE FUCK, RJ Reynolds, what the FUCK have you done to Camel Lights!? It all started with the package change, and it didn't bother me so much, neither did the filter having become way more thicker and become like the first time you had a McFlurry and you realized the giant straw looking thing was a spoon. But they didn't stop there, they had to change the flavor. No long is it smooth and mellow, like it advertises, and no longer are they a pleasure to burn. Not anymore, they're shitty.

Seriously, Camels used to be the shit, especially Camel Lights, and all of a sudden, they've become, to quote Jon McEnroe, "The absolute pits of the world". Why did they have to fall from grace? I know Obama is in office, but that doesn't give you the right to change everything, you FUCKS. I don't know what to do now, because Camel Lights were the perfect balance between flavor and harshness, smooth, yet they had the roughness of a regular strength cigarette. They were easy on the head, and it was just a real pleasure to light one up. God, RJ Reynolds has sold out, and I honestly thought they never would. This is a sad day for us all.



^When Camel Lights were the best cigarette in the world.

The Best Web Comics You've Never Read

*This important message is brought to you by Remy, with a new avatar! Compliments go to Steph White, my heroine and quite frankly thankly, without whom I would be left without someone to talk to at noon during breaks*


Here at Project Epic, we advocate creativeness and artsmanship of the highest quality, whether it be music, books, anime, television, or games. Today I'm going to take a little time away from our usual rantings to talk about the best web comics you've never read.

On Your Feet and Poor Little Runia. Yes, I know there are plenty of other well known web comics, such as MegaTokyo and 8-Bit Theater, but I think when something is done during free time, it becomes less of an obsession and more of a fun thing to do. While I do not doubt the light-heartedness conveyed in both OYF and PLR, you do things for friends because you want to see them succeed. But don't think of this as just a favor, because these comics are really top-notch.

OYF spawned as a punk rock comic (as evidenced by the punk rock look of the characters) that was a bunch of one-panels to create a story. However, it became more than that. I rather find the art style positively unique, and that is, in a good way. While the characters have no huge back story, they portray quite a realistic view of the world today. Remember when we were teenagers, chugging along through high school to get the fuck out to graduate? That's what OYF conveys, and I give it the Remy Seal of Approval. Read it, laugh, and recommend it to your friends. It has the potential to be one of the best online comics ever if it were to get enough views.

I don't know much about Poor Little Runia, as it's just getting started, but you can definitely see the contrast between the art styles (both comics are done by the same artist, by the way). But it's nothing short of brilliant, I'm sure. With such few strips at the moment, unlike MegaTokyo or 8 Bit Theater, it's not hard to jump in. Plus, you get the novelty of saying you were reading it since the very beginning. Classy AND awesome at the same time.

Please, if you can take a simple twenty seconds of your time and vote for OYF to become one of the top web comics, please do so here. A little goes a long way, and I'm sure you'd want the same thing if you were drawing and putting effort into something like this. Anyways, that's it. As Ryan Seacrest would say, I'm out.