Shut the Hell Up, You're Not Cool or Unique For Listening to Bands That Aren't Mainstream

I'm tired of people who claim they are better for listening to bands that are "underground" or "indie". There is nothing remotely better about an indie band than something mainstream. I'm not saying indie bands suck, I like a few of them like Neutral Milk Hotel, Godspeed You! Black Emperor, The Decemberists and Elf Power, but those are pretty common known non-mainstream bands. These type of people just come off as elitists dicks (or cunts, because I know a few women who think they are "awesome" for listening to underground stuff) by flaunting around their "excessive" knowledge of good music.

Let's face it, every band goes mainstream some day. A few good modern examples are Modest Mouse and The Arcade Fire. All the grunge acts of the '90s weren't signed to mainstream stuff either. I guess most of my rage comes from this girl back in my AP European History class. She critcized me for wearing a Beatles hoodie (arguably the best and most influential band ever). When I asked her what she listened to, she told me about all the "underground metal" she listened to, like Shadows Falls. Excuse me, SHADOWS FALLS ISN'T FUCKING UNDERGROUND, THEY'RE ABOUT AS UNDERGROUND AS IRON MAIDEN YOU SKANK. Okay, rage over. There was also this slut who went by the name Maria Dill. For one, she thought she was so cool for beating Guitar Hero...on medium. I can beat Medium on Guitar Hero by playing the damned guitar behind my back. Two, she asked my friend Ed on how to be more "scene" and "underground". God I hate this bitch, and any one else like her. For all the "indie" people, listen to this band, it might help:

http://www.thefalloftroy.com

Remy out, I'ma listen to some music without some stupid label thrown on it.

If women were more like men, the world would be a better place.

Over the past couple of days, I've realized something--Women suck. And not in that good way that you want them to again and again.

Now, hear me out on this. They like to fuck around with your head--they're not satisfied unless your life is miserable, because it justifies their own pathetic existence. They've realized that when we're miserable about something, we'll come to them to talk about it, and we're usually too stupid to realize that they're the source of all the misery to begin with. For example, Remy has a friend who was pretty down on his luck, so this other dude's sister offers to let him stay with her. Now, that's nice and everything, but after a while of the guy sleeping on her couch, she decides to approach him and asks if he wants to sleep in the same bed as her.

Ok, let's take a break here and assess the situation. THIS IS A FUCKING HINT. Any guy would hear that and think, "score!" This means you're getting some. There's no other translation for that. So the dude starts sleeping in her bed. Now, a few times he felt uncomfortable with it and tried to sleep on the couch, and the woman refuses and tells him to stay in her bed. Ok, let's take another break here--in 'Guy' that translates to 'I want your penis.' So after a few nights of sleeping with her like this, he finally works up the courage to try and kiss her. What does the bitch do? She shoves him away and says "Don't kiss me! I'm not interested in you like that!" ... Whaaat? Bullshit, you told the guy to fucking sleep in your bed! The poor guy goes and puts 2 and 2 together, and she expects him to get 3? What a bitch. So the dude moves out.

In my own experience, I hate it when women say "there's no way this could work." Bullshit. I was willing to do everything to make it work. What this translates to is "I'm not willing to put the effort into this to make it work." Then why did you lead me along for all this time, if you were so dead set on it not working? Here's a hint: if you're not expecting it to work, it won't fucking work. But please, take full blame for it yourself instead of coming up with bullshit excuses. It's your fault we broke up, not mine.

I was dating this one girl...well, we weren't technically "dating" but it was heavily implied. I liked her a lot, potentially even loved her. Guess I'll never know. I was willing to whatever I could to make it work. I gave up so much of the things I loved, just to make her happy. But all that changed when she decided she found someone else. So she pretty much told me we were over, and that she liked this other guy better. A few weeks pass, and she decides she doesn't like him because he "fell right into her lap." Well, shit, you only fucking MADE OUT WITH HIM. Then she has the balls to tell me about it, like I'm going to be sympathetic or some shit! Fuck that. What, a few weeks pass and magically all my wounds are healed? Christ, I can't understand women sometimes.

Women should be more like men, because it would be easier instead of them playing head games, to just say "You're hot, let's fuck."

Decaf Tea Blows

Decaf tea is horrible. Now mind you, I'm sitting here drinking some ACTUAL Oolong Tea that doesn't suck. The only reason to drink tea is to get that caffeine rush, and because it does in fact taste a bit better than coffee. In fact, the only reason I think coffee was invented was because people ran out of tea and they really wanted to stay up later and smoke more cigarettes (probably R.J. Reynolds because we know he made the best cigarettes). You can really taste the lack of caffeine in your tea, as if you were just making sweet, sweet love to a girl and you could totally tell she faked her orgasm. Like you had given her all she could handle, and the best she could do is fake it for you. But I guess it's just a fact of life that some things just suck.



^Like God (Or Satan/Buddha/L. Ron Hubbard/Confucius) intended.

Stop sucking that strap-on and put it in your pussy already!

How come all the porno girls INSIST on sucking the goddamned strap-on for like, 10 fucking minutes?! What, it's gonna magically cum like a real penis if you suck it long enough?? Fuck that! I want to see it in your pussy, not your mouth! If I wanted to see you suck something, I would have typed in 'blowjob'. Lesbians shouldn't suck anything besides clits and tits. Hell, I doubt half those girls are lesbians anyway, given how much they love sucking penis shaped objects. Are they trying to send the message that sucking something prosthetic is better than a real penis??

Stop sucking it and put it in your pussy, bitch.

Square-Enix: Please go back to Old School RPGS. KKTHX.

Am I the only one who hates Square-Enix? Time and time again, I'm forced to play shitty game after shitty game (with the exception of Kingdom Hearts II and Final Fantasy VII: Crisis Core), and sit back and wonder where the times have gone. You know, back when Enix was Enix and Square was Squaresoft. I guess this just shows how bad the industry has gotten, with only memories of my childhood for these two great companies.

I never played much Dragon Warrior, but I did love Dragon Warrior Monsters. And for Squaresoft, there was the Final Fantasy series, Chrono Trigger, Secret of Mana and I guess Parasite Eve. But now it's like the only thing left I have of them are, well...memories. My first RPG was FF7, and I loved it to death. I still have my copy of it on the Playstation. My cartridge of DWM is sitting with my other Game Boy games. It seems that this merger has done more bad then good.




^Square-Enix's last main character. What a fag.

Final Fantasy XII brought a new sense of suckitude to the series. After Final Fantasy X-2, NOTHING could get worse, right? WRONG. It did get worse. At least FFX-2 had a familiar battle system, FFXII had a shitty one. It felt like I was playing .hack, which isn't a bad thing, but that's not Final Fantasy. Vaan was a poor excuse for a main character. Penelo was annoying. The only saving grace the game had was Balthier and Fran. I <3 Fran. So much, I would jam unnamed items in certain orifices of her body. Anyways... the game would have been much better with Buckethead as the main character. If you don't know who Buckethead is, here's a picture.



^Buckethead in all his glory.

Buckethead wouldn't take any shit from Penelo like Vaan would have, which probably would have made it a better game. Regardless, it was a piss poor effort by Square. While there have been some great games, like Kingdom Hearts II and Crisis Core, those alone can't save Square. I just hope Final Fantasy XIII blows the balls off of people, because damn, Square hasn't made a great RPG since FFIX. They are even getting which handheld to release games for wrong too. Why would you release Chrono Trigger on the DS?! I would much rather play an updated Chrono Trigger with better graphics on my PSP. Gah, I hate this.

Enix isn't off the hook either. Enix's crowning acheivement is Star Ocean 2. Perhaps the most underrated and best RPG on the Playstation. I logged so many hours into it, it was unreal. Star Ocean: Until the End of Time sucked, but at least they are putting both Star Oceans on the PSP. Yay for us. Maybe one day...just one day, we will see a game worthy of the labels for both Square and Enix. A man can dream, can't he?

Sonic the Hedgehog has sucked balls since Sonic CD, and dipshits at Sega are too stupid to notice.

**This rant has been brought to you by Xyle**



Why, Sega? WHY?! What the hell have you done to Sonic??

I grew up with Sonic. When I was a kid, I thought he was BAD ASS. I adored him. I watched his cartoon show every Saturday morning (which is probably why it got the nickname SatAM from its fans, who obviously did the same). I played all his games. Then Sega decides to take a gargantuan shit on the franchise.

Now, don't get me wrong. Sonic games are still fun (Except Sonic 2006 on the PS3/3FixMe. That bug-ridden piece of shit) but they just lack a certain SOMETHING that the series hasn't seen since Sonic CD. Part of what made Sonic so cool and badass in the first place just simply disappeared. Well, I want to know what happened. If Sonic is so special to get his own dev team (SonicTeam), then why has the series continued to epically suck? The even bigger question is why do people still buy this shit, even when it fails this hard? Sega needs to get their asses in gear unless they want people to give up on the Blue Blur forever, and I just so happen to have some ideas.

1. Enough with this "Adventure" bullshit. Sonic games are supposed to be fast-paced and about speed, not thinking. Do away with the Adventure zones, and just have Stages.
2. Enough with playing as other characters! Why would I want to play as Knuckles and go on a treasure hunt? Focus the game ENTIRELY around Sonic. The only other character that needs to be controlled AT ALL is player 2 being able to use Tails, and even then that's more of a gimmick than an actual gameplay element.
3. No more "real world" bullshit. The game needs to take place on Morpheus, and ONLY Morpheus.
4. Dr. Eggman? What the FUCK?? His name is ROBOTNIK, dipshits!
5. Please, for Christ's sake, let the director of SatAM do the third season and finish the story! The guy already has it all planned out, he just needs the go-ahead from you morons. What do you have to lose? The franchise has gone to shit anyway, might as well let it have one final chance to NOT SUCK.

^A black hedgehog, and a white hedgehog? That won't be seen as racist at all! And the black one holding a gun? NAW! It's pure genious!

Sega, I'm sick of your bullshit. I'm sick of you guys ruining my childhood hero. Hell, I'm sick of you guys ruining one of gaming's icons. Either get your asses in gear and get some competent (read: not shitty) people to work on Sonic, or retire him for good. I'd rather see him burn out than fade away.


In memory of better days.

ICP is the Worst Band Ever

^Insane Clown Posse fans showing how "cool" the band really is.

God, I can't stand Insane Clown Posse or their obnoxious fans. I remember back in high school how many of them there were. And I thought Slipknot fans were bad. I mean, just wow. ICP fans make Slipknot fans look good. For starters, I'm going to rip the band a new one. First, what the HELL is with the name? Insane Clowns? This isn't Twisted Metal, clowns aren't freaking scary. Or insane, for that matter. Evidently their original name was Inner City Posse, but I guess they felt it wasn't scary enough to appeal to rebellious, angst-driven twelve year olds whose balls haven't dropped yet. Two, NO white man can rap. The only exception is Eminem, who is actually pretty good at what he does. Obviously, they can't just admit that they are a rap band, so their fanbase and themselves throw around the genres "Hardcore Hip Hop" and "Horrorcore" to make them seem better than they actually are.



^KISS Rip-Offs

Another thing I just LOVE about Insane Clown Posse is their "use" (read as: theft) of KISS's make-up gimmick. When KISS wears make-up, it looks badass. After all, KISS started the costumes and make-up thing as a part of their live performances. But ICP, who doesn't even list KISS as an influence, blatantly stole their main gimmick. But no matter how much they steal from others, they still suck.

I'm done tearing the band down. But this doesn't mean I'm finished. Hell no, I need to address the worst aspect. Their fans. ICP fans are like a crazed wolf, ready to tear anything to shreds if it isn't to their liking. It's sickening. They dress like the band, and walk around calling each other "juggalos". Anyone who they deem to not be a fan is called a "Juggaho", even though the band has exclaimed that anyone can be a juggalo, even if they don't listen to the band. And I quote "there are no requirements to being a Juggalo. We don't care if you spend a dime on merch, or if you know the words to every song. If this music touches you, and you get some positive experience from it, we would be honored to have you consider yourself a Juggalo." Also, Shaggy2Dope also stated this in a 2005 interview. "You could be a Juggalo and not even listen to ICP. A Juggalo is a frame of mind and what not. And I was a Juggalo before we started with ICP. [...] You don't even to have to fuckin' necessarily listen to [Psychopathic Records] to be a Juggalo. Juggalos are Juggalos."

So with these two statements, where do these fans get off saying who is a real fan and who isn't? It's a load of crap from a horrible band to begin with, but jeez, they should be wanting more fans, not less. Also, what's up with the fans talking about this Dark Carnival shit. It's so idiotic it gives me a headache. They can't even think for themselves either! They drink Faygo brand soda, not because it's inexpensive, but because ICP used to drink it. Great going, morons! Drink that crappy brand of soda because ICP told you to. Please, jump off a cliff too, no one will miss you. I promise.

Menthols are for pussies.

**This rant has been brought to you by Xyle**

This image confirms the title of this rant. (NOTE: image NOT SAFE FOR WORK) (UPDATE: Photobucket decided that image "Violated their terms of use," so they removed it. I'm too lazy to upload the image anywhere else, so for the curious it was a pussy with a cigarette in it that had "MENTHOL" splashed underneath it.)

Every time I'm out smoking with my friends, INEVITABLY, one of them pulls out a pack that has the big fat "MENTHOL" tag splashed across the front of the box, and I just wanna kick them in the face. Why the fuck would you smoke that shit? They don't taste good. The only reason you should EVER smoke menthols is if you're sick and you're too damn lazy to take cough drops, or you're a woman. Unless you fall into one of those categories, grow some balls and smoke a real cigarette! What, afraid of a little tobacco? Congratulations, you're a bitch. I think it should be made a law that if you smoke a menthol while a) not a woman, and b) not sick, it should be mandatory for you to get a sex change, because you're officially a PUSSY.

Here. Want a menthol?

Cosplayers are the Anti-Christ to Anime Fans

**This rant brought to you by Remy**





^Douche

Now, I have nothing against anime fans. In fact, I'm an anime fan myself, albeit a bit more casual. But let's get real, cosplay is just stupid and wrong. Cosplayers to anime is like Trekies to Star Trek. Now, don't get me wrong, I like anime. But I don't cosplay. Why would I want to? I don't even dress up for Halloween, I just put on a mask and go around with a knife scaring little kids.

This rant ties to an experience I just saw this weekend at Suncoast. Here I am, in the store with my friend browsing the collection of anime and hentai DVDs, and these cosplayers were being loud and obnoxious talking about Bleach and Naruto. My friend walks up to the very bad looking Inuyasha cosplayer (Because let's face it, only fucking ugly people cosplay), and he says "Who are you supposed to be, Sesshoumaru?". The cosplayer must have been offended, because he went batshit on my friend. "NO I'M INUYASHA! CAN'T YOU TELL?!". My friend simply responded with "Well, they look so alike, and I mean, you were turned around." So they continued about the anime they see on Cartoon Network, and because I'm the asshole I am, I ask "So, have you guys seen Mobile Suit Gundam?." Another cosplayer says "No way! We only like Gundam Wing and Gundam SEED." I just shrugged it off, they were only proving my earlier point. So my friend and I go to buy our things, and this lady and her husband walk into the store. They see the cosplayers acting like idiots and she says to him "They better not be back there trying to run the store." At this point, my friend and I left and went to Taco Bell for lunch.

A few days later, we went back to Suncoast and brought up the cosplayers to the manager, a pretty cool dude named Jackson. He agreed, calling them idiots and cosplay retarded. But only when we talked to Cesar (pronounced SAY-zar), did we find someone who felt the need to defend them. Infact, he went as far to pull sports into the argument. He was telling me how a sports fan can dress up and support their team, why can't an anime fan cosplay? Well, I argued with this counter-point. When a sports fan dresses up crazy for a football game, it's to be expected. He loves his team. But out in public, he's normal. He might wear a jersey, sure, but it's just a sports shirt. Infact, even when he dresses for the game, he doesn't go out to malls dressed up like that. But cosplayers cosplay at malls, and almost every where. Not just anime conventions. It's stupid. I also brought up how when white people dance to hip hop, they tend to look out of place compared to someone black. Or when white people wear their hats to the side. It's a black cultural thing, and no one else should be doing it, because then they look stupid. It's the same thing with cosplay. Only asians should do it. PERIOD.

Cesar seemed to angry because I had "played the race card". He said "Well you're discrminating against cosplayers like the white people did to Rosa Parks on the bus." How in the hell are those two situations similar? I guess maybe in some aspects, but he compared me to a KKK member. For what? Discriminating against my own race? God, I hate it when people defend cosplay.



^Is there anything wrong there?

No, there isn't. People just need to shut up and leave the cosplaying to asians.

NintenDON'T

**This rant has been brought to you by Xyle**

Nintendo's continued success with their new wave of casual crap just continues to astound and amuse me. Here we are, at the pinnacle of console gaming, with games that blur the line between video game and reality, and not only do people think about taking Nintendo seriously, but they actually PURCHASE their shit! Yeah, you heard me. THE WII SUCKS. Not only does it suck, but it's continued success is sending a negative message to game developers. Hey, not only can you spend less money by making a graphically inferior game, you can make MORE money by adding in some unnecessary motion sensor controls and slapping the label "CASUAL" on it! Oh my GOD. Are they serious? Do we REALLY want developers thinking that we actually WANT this "casual" bullshit?? Eventually what's going to happen is developers are going to start taking well-loved "hardcore" franchises and open them up to this "casual" gaming phenominon, and we're just going to see gaming as a whole suffer in the long run! Can you imagine a "CASUAL" Final Fantasy, or a "CASUAL" Legend of Zelda?! Fuck no! I refuse to buy in to this bullshit. I'm a GAMER. I play REAL GAMES. For longer than 10 minute intervals! I don't want shitty motion sensor controllers that have fucking LAG as you wave them all over the place, I want a motherfucking DualShock 3! Even MICROSOFT is going in more of a right direction than Nintendo, and they have a fucking 40% chance fail rate! No. No, I REFUSE to buy into the hype. I REFUSE to support Nintendo.

"Oh, but Nintendo is encouraging old-school gaming with the Virtual Console!" Umm, no? Emulation has been around for years, and last I checked, that's FREE. Not to mention, when you buy a game off the VC, you aren't actually purchasing. No, you're purchasing the right to an indefinite LEASE to play the game. Yeah, you heard that right: "Buying" games off the VC is basically the same as "RENTING" a game indefinitely for a small fee. And with emulators, you can use graphic filters and save states! Gee, it's so hard to pick which one I'd rather have! No, Nintendo's just milking another trend with their VC, much like they are with the Wii's main catalogue.

"Well the controller is revolutionary!" Oh, really? I thought it was about as revolutionary as the Power Glove, and we all saw how well THAT did. Who's idea was this piece of shit? Am I the only one who's noticed that all the best games on the Wii, are the ones that use the motion sensor controls to a MINIMUM?? Not to mention you look like a fucking ass waving it around all over the place! No thanks, I'll stick to REAL controllers and play REAL video games on REAL gaming consoles.

The Wii isn't a gaming console. It's a fucking TOY.

Megadeth > Metallica

**This rant has been brought to you by Remy**

In light of Metallica's new album, Death Magnetic, it reminded me of an age-old argument that has been around in metal circles for a long time. While some sites like http://www.allmusic.com might have given Death Magnetic rave reviews, it is public opinion(and more importantly, mine) that Metallica still hasn't changed much. You'd think after SEVENTEEN years since their last okay album they would have figured out that their fans want some thrash metal, not nu-metal. Of course, Death Magnetic was a huge improvement over St. Anger, but even then, that's not saying much. At least Megadeth has never failed me or their fans.

Yeah, I said it. Megadeth is better than Metallica. Megadeth, have not only released MORE albums than Metallica despite forming later, Mustaine and crew have only failed once, and that's only because Lars Ulrich tried to coerce Mustaine into taking a "Risk". Metallica screwed up years ago by firing Mustaine. Mustaine isn't just a better guitar player than Kirk Hammett, but he can also sing, write songs, and play solos with effects other than the wah-wah pedal. Hammett doesn't even write his own solos, Ulrich and Hetfield do. Metallica has just fallen downhill since ...And Justice, and it's rather sad. But, if Hetfield and/or Ulrich is reading this, I can guarantee I have the solution to make Metallica the great band it once was.

Step One: Fire Kirk, Re-hire Dave. Easy step, and it's quite the upgrade. They gain a back-up singer and someone who can actually solo.

Step Two: Fire Robert Trujillo, hire Fieldy from KoRn. Again, Rob sucks, Fieldy would be better. How the FUCK did you guys pass up on Les Claypool when he auditioned?!

Step Three: Fire Lars Ulrich, hire anybody with the talent of Dave Grohl or better. And since the only person with talent less than Dave Grohl is Ulrich himself, they can get anybody. But since Slipknot is breaking up, how about you grab Joey Jordison?



^Yes, those ARE the drums Ulrich used on St. Anger.

Unfortunately, we are only left to hope and pray for something like that happen. But in the meantime, Dave can get RAGED over Death Magnetic and inspire himself to create something much better, like he always does.



*throws ninja smoke bomb*

Introductions

Project Epic is ran by two people, Remy and Xyle. In addition to this being a blog, we are planning on creating a RPG using RPG Maker XP, entitled... Epic. That's all for now.

-Remy