The Vag Rules

The Rules of Having a Vagina

with help from my good friend Chris.

I've come to notice that women abide by a certain set of rules, that only apply because they don't have a penis. Sadly, as long as you are dating or married to one, you are binded by these rules eternally until you decide to kill yourself or you die, or kill your spouse. It didn't take long to see that many of these rules are double standard. Infact, ALL of these rules, are double standard. Why? We don't know. And we probably never will. So what are these rules, exactly? Well, here's a quick rundown.

1) "I am right, and you are wrong. Period."

No pun intended either. If you're right, you're wrong. If you're wrong, you're wrong. If you're neither and it's gray area, you are wrong. End of story. End of discussion. This is not debateable.

2) "It's okay for ME to take things out on you, but if you so much as dare look at me the wrong way, you're dead."

This one baffles me the most. Everyone has a bad day. Sometimes, you accidently make it worse. This one is normally a trap. You do something, anything, and for no reason at all, even if you had good intentions, you get bitched at. But! If you had the bad day, and it was you who made big deal over something, you're sleeping on the couch. No if, ands or buts.

3) "Don't answer my questions my honestly. I will never agree with you."

This is another one that traps you. Infact, it's probably the oldest rule in the book. Here's an example.

"Does this dress make me look fat?"

BAD ANSWER: "Yes, you are a fucking cow."

Even if it's true, don't say it!

Bad Answer #2: "No honey, not at all."

Again, even if it's true, the woman will say you're lying, or they won't agree with you out of principle.

Correct Answer: "What did you say, honey?"

More often then not, they won't repeat something they've already said. You dodged a bullet with the correct answer.

4) "If we argue, make sure you let me have the last word, because I will pursue my point until you admit I'm right."

Women love to have the last word. Even if it's trivial, they always have to point it out matter of factly.

"Wow, Megan Fox is hot."

"MEGAN FOX IS A WHORE."

"No, I don't think she is."

"OMG YES SHE IS, LOOK AT HOW MUCH SKIN SHE IS SHOWING."

Let it go right there, no matter how you slice it, they will keep going until they have the last word.

5) "You can trust me no matter what, but I can't ever trust you. Boys have penises and therefore they can't be trusted."

This one is all too true as well. Women can do anything they want without ever telling you what they did, but if you so much as go to Gamestop without letting them know, all hell breaks loose. Even if you were there to buy the lastest FPS, they assume you slept with some waitress from Denny's on the way.

6) "A joke I make is fucking hilarious, a joke you make is worse than Dane Cook's newest cd."

Another one that is so double standard that you're actually seeing doubles of yourself. Girl tells a joke. It was funny, so you laugh. Fast forward a bit, and you tell a joke. Even if it was just as funny (or more funny) then hers, it isn't. You got relegated to Dane Cook from the time she told her joke until the rest of the night.

7) "When a woman cheats, it's because they are confused about their feelings. When a man cheats, it's because he's a dirty sex addicted pig."

I don't codone cheating. I was cheated on, and it hurts like hell. But I flip through the channels, and Lifetime is on. I see a commercial that literally went like this.

"I cheated on Bobby!"
*Woman's friend comes over and gives a sympathetic hug*
"It's okay honey, you can't help who you fall in love with."

The next commercial showed something similar.

"YOU CHEATED ON ME, YOU BASTARD!"
*Husband is in corner, crawled up in the fetal position because his wife has a gun*
"I couldn't help it. I was confused about my feelings. You can't help who you fall in love with."
*Woman cocks gun*
"AHAHAHAHA. THAT IS THE STUPIDEST EXCUSE I HAVE EVER HEARD!"
*bang bang*

What the hell? That is such bullshit. I think Lifetime caters to women because as a target audience, they are easy to draw in. Why do you think NASCAR went and grabbed Danica Patrick off of the Indy Circuit?


These aren't all the vagina rules, but they are most of them. Expect an update on these sometime in the future.