Crimson Tide (The Raging Period)

Super Bowl XLV Analysis

2011-01-25T06:55:00.000-08:00

Alright, it's two weeks until the Super Bowl, and here at The Raging Period we've been actually having lives (If you consider playing modded Oblivion, free server Aion, and WoW a life) so in honor of the biggest unofficial holiday of the year, I'm going to analyze the Super Bowl with a prediction. First, let's take a look at the Packers.

Green Bay Packers

Many analysts picked Green Bay to go to the Super Bowl this year. They were the "sexy" pick, if you will. They did not disappoint, and they ran the table. So here are some stats from this year's NFC champs.

Offense: 24th Ranked Rushing, 5th Ranked Passing, 9th Overall. Pts/G: 24.3

Defense: 18th Ranked Rushing, 5th Ranked Passing, 5th Overall. Pts/G: 15.0

As you can see, the Packers are a very solid team this year. They have a great QB in Aaron Rodgers, a good corps of wide receivers, and a very good defense. Clay Matthews is looking like a beast, even if he does use steroids. Tramon Williams is also pretty damn good. This is a team with few weaknesses and can take over a game.

However, they are not without problems. They have trouble running the ball, with their top rusher, Brandon Jackson, only managing 703 yards on the year. Ryan Grant was lost early in the year, and that hit really hurt them. A lot of the time Aaron Rodgers has to make a play with his legs. Rodgers also has a problem of holding on to the ball too long, and he gets sacked. He got sacked 38 times this year and ended up sustaining two concussions. He doesn't have a bad offensive line, either, so it's not their fault. They also struggled against a Bears team that was playing their third string rookie QB, and only managed 21 points. They'll need to play better than last week if they want to bring home another Lombardi to Wisconsin. But despite these weaknesses, don't be fooled, the Pack are a force to be reckoned with.

Pittsburgh Steelers

If somebody would have came up to me this year and said "Remy, Pittsburgh's going to go to the Super Bowl", I would have laughed at them. At the beginning of the season, all people could say is that without Ben Roethlisberger, this team would start 0-4. However, they started 3-1 and never looked back, going 12-4 on the season. After a tough road to the Super Bowl, which included their rival the Baltimore Ravens, and the New York Jets, the other sexy pick this year, Pittsburgh is going to the big dance for the eighth time in NFL history, a record they now share with the Dallas Cowboys. However, they aren't favored in this Super Bowl, and for once, it seems that they are over matched. That being said, let's review some stats.

Offense: 11th Ranked Rushing, 14th Ranked Passing, 14th Overall. Pts/G: 23.4

Defense: 1st Ranked Rushing, 12th Ranked Passing, 2nd Overall. Pts/G: 14.5

Pittsburgh is another solid team. Ben Roethlisberger led the league in passer rating. Rashard Mendenhall rushed for 1,273 yards behind a patchwork offensive line. Mike Wallace showed why he is going to be a great wide receiver in the league. Looking on paper, you'd think that the Steelers should be favored. However, the stats don't always tell a true story. Oh, right, I am being informed by the obvious police that I need to make a comment about Ben, twenty year old fat women, and non-consensual sex.

First off, the defense. Late in games, after putting up a big lead, they have a tendency to just break down. You could see this against Buffalo, and it was all too obvious Sunday night against the Jets. The defensive line can't get pressure, and the secondary aside from Troy Polamalu can't cover. Next, the offensive line. After drafting Maurkice Pouncey, it seemed like Pittsburgh would return to their roots: power football. However, Willie Colon was put on IR, Max Starks was put on IR, they had to sign Flozell Adams, it was a mess. Ben was sacked 43 times, and had his nose broken in a game against the Ravens.

However, there is one thing you should never do, and that's look past the Steelers. When no one puts faith in them, that's when they play their best. And I guarantee the Packers aren't looking past them.

Keys to the Game

Green Bay

- Stop the run. You can't let the other team run all over you. If they have trouble stopping Mendenhall, this game will not end well.

- Attack the line of scrimmage. In order to win, they're going to need to put Ben Roethlisberger on the ground, and keep Aaron Rodgers upright. If the Steelers defense gets to Rodgers and were to knock him out of the game, the Packers would never forgive themselves. Don't say it can't happen, either. Look at Texas last year.

- Balanced play calling. It's no secret that Pittsburgh's secondary is less than average. However, you can't be one dimensional. If Green Bay abandons the run, Pittsburgh will make them pay. They can and will force turnovers, no matter how good of a quarterback Aaron Rodgers is.

Pittsburgh

- Contain Aaron Rodgers. Rodgers is at his best when he can move around in behind the line of scrimmage. He can make plays with his legs if he needs to. Keep him in the pocket, and pressure him. Doing so will give them a good chance to win.

- Block Clay Matthews. Matthews is going to get to Ben. He's a very good player and will wreak havoc on him if they don't monitor him. This goes for the whole offensive line. If Ben can't get time to throw, Pittsburgh will lose this game.

- Troy Polamalu. He's been hurt the last couple weeks, and he hasn't been 100%. But there is no question that Troy Polamalu is the biggest game changer on defense in the league. When he plays, Pittsburgh allows 10 fewer points per game. If he's rested and can play at a level we are accustomed to seeing, Pittsburgh will have a good shot to win this game.

Breakdown

Quarterback

Edge: Green Bay

Offensive Line

Edge: Green Bay

Tight Ends

Edge: Pittsburgh

Wide Receivers

Edge: Green Bay

Defensive Line

Edge: Pittsburgh if Aaron Smith plays, Push otherwise

Linebackers

Edge: Pittsburgh, but just barely

Cornerback

Edge: Green Bay

Safety

Edge: Pittsburgh

Coach

Edge: Pittsburgh

Prediction: Green Bay 24, Pittsburgh 21

The Vag Rules

2010-02-21T20:13:00.000-08:00

The Rules of Having a Vagina

with help from my good friend Chris.

I've come to notice that women abide by a certain set of rules, that only apply because they don't have a penis. Sadly, as long as you are dating or married to one, you are binded by these rules eternally until you decide to kill yourself or you die, or kill your spouse. It didn't take long to see that many of these rules are double standard. Infact, ALL of these rules, are double standard. Why? We don't know. And we probably never will. So what are these rules, exactly? Well, here's a quick rundown.

1) "I am right, and you are wrong. Period."

No pun intended either. If you're right, you're wrong. If you're wrong, you're wrong. If you're neither and it's gray area, you are wrong. End of story. End of discussion. This is not debateable.

2) "It's okay for ME to take things out on you, but if you so much as dare look at me the wrong way, you're dead."

This one baffles me the most. Everyone has a bad day. Sometimes, you accidently make it worse. This one is normally a trap. You do something, anything, and for no reason at all, even if you had good intentions, you get bitched at. But! If you had the bad day, and it was you who made big deal over something, you're sleeping on the couch. No if, ands or buts.

3) "Don't answer my questions my honestly. I will never agree with you."

This is another one that traps you. Infact, it's probably the oldest rule in the book. Here's an example.

"Does this dress make me look fat?"

BAD ANSWER: "Yes, you are a fucking cow."

Even if it's true, don't say it!

Bad Answer #2: "No honey, not at all."

Again, even if it's true, the woman will say you're lying, or they won't agree with you out of principle.

Correct Answer: "What did you say, honey?"

More often then not, they won't repeat something they've already said. You dodged a bullet with the correct answer.

4) "If we argue, make sure you let me have the last word, because I will pursue my point until you admit I'm right."

Women love to have the last word. Even if it's trivial, they always have to point it out matter of factly.

"Wow, Megan Fox is hot."

"MEGAN FOX IS A WHORE."

"No, I don't think she is."

"OMG YES SHE IS, LOOK AT HOW MUCH SKIN SHE IS SHOWING."

Let it go right there, no matter how you slice it, they will keep going until they have the last word.

5) "You can trust me no matter what, but I can't ever trust you. Boys have penises and therefore they can't be trusted."

This one is all too true as well. Women can do anything they want without ever telling you what they did, but if you so much as go to Gamestop without letting them know, all hell breaks loose. Even if you were there to buy the lastest FPS, they assume you slept with some waitress from Denny's on the way.

6) "A joke I make is fucking hilarious, a joke you make is worse than Dane Cook's newest cd."

Another one that is so double standard that you're actually seeing doubles of yourself. Girl tells a joke. It was funny, so you laugh. Fast forward a bit, and you tell a joke. Even if it was just as funny (or more funny) then hers, it isn't. You got relegated to Dane Cook from the time she told her joke until the rest of the night.

7) "When a woman cheats, it's because they are confused about their feelings. When a man cheats, it's because he's a dirty sex addicted pig."

I don't codone cheating. I was cheated on, and it hurts like hell. But I flip through the channels, and Lifetime is on. I see a commercial that literally went like this.

"I cheated on Bobby!"
*Woman's friend comes over and gives a sympathetic hug*
"It's okay honey, you can't help who you fall in love with."

The next commercial showed something similar.

"YOU CHEATED ON ME, YOU BASTARD!"
*Husband is in corner, crawled up in the fetal position because his wife has a gun*
"I couldn't help it. I was confused about my feelings. You can't help who you fall in love with."
*Woman cocks gun*
"AHAHAHAHA. THAT IS THE STUPIDEST EXCUSE I HAVE EVER HEARD!"
*bang bang*

What the hell? That is such bullshit. I think Lifetime caters to women because as a target audience, they are easy to draw in. Why do you think NASCAR went and grabbed Danica Patrick off of the Indy Circuit?

These aren't all the vagina rules, but they are most of them. Expect an update on these sometime in the future.

The Liar, pt. 2

2010-02-12T22:02:00.000-08:00

I just got an email from Liar, which absolutely made my day and gave me the giggles. I shall now post it in its entirety for you all to see.

____________________________________________________________________

from: not_telling_a_soul@hotmail.com
subject: Response to your fucked up blog

You fucking asshole. "Would like to stay friends" my ass. I just blocked you for a few days, and removed you from facebook. So much for that eh? Fuck that. Yes, I read your blog. You know what? My parents do notice I go missing, they just don't ask questions, they assume I head over to my friends house. Yes, I was raped twice in one month, there are two fucking police reports on it. No, I've never been fucking kidnapped or said so. Chris didn't fake his death so he didn't have to put up with my shit anymore, he faked it because he's in a worse situation then I am, do I care if you believe me? No. Thought I'd point out the truth, seeings as you are in need of getting your facts straight.

As for still being alive? I told you I broke a rib and shattered another one, thats from them. Then again you're a messed up fuck who gets high because his life is "so fucked up and miserable." I've never claimed I was about to die, and my ribs and being stabbed are the only things I ever fucking told you about, and have ever fucking happened.

Also, I removed you way before you removed me, so thanks for making it seem like you did it first. I've been to the police, and then never did fuck all. I've never been abducted, or kidnapped by the mafia. If anything, my brothers came and grabbed me. I've been over our conversations, and you make up a shit load of lies. Do you get off on that, seeing as you can't find a girl to do it for you?

You wanna talk about physic vampires? Look in a fucking mirror. I've tried god knows how many time to walk away, even gave you the choice, but someone wanted to stick the fuck around. God, I'm sorry I put up with all YOUR shit. You need some therapy, sereious. I mean c'mon, finding your biologicals and them not wanting you so you're stuck with your "shitty and controling" adoptive parents? Really, you need help if not even your family wants you.

Fuck you, and go get a life. Ruining someone elses, and then trying to pin it on them, isn't a life. It's one fucked up mental situation that needs to be in a psyc ward.

As for Chels, if you and her are still talking, tell her she can go fuck herself too.

____________________________________________________________________

Priceless. Just priceless. So my response was:

____________________________________________________________________

lmfao.

Maybe if you read Anton LaVey's essay you'd be able to respond better. The reason psychic vampires are so dangerous is because they make you feel compelled to be around them. I honestly felt like I HAD to stay in contact with you, or else you'd do some crazy emo shit. As for the rant, don't bullshit, Erin. You told so many lies you probably can't even keep up with them all anymore. Oh, and my birth family not wanting me? Really? I'm pretty sure I still live with my adoptive parents because it's closer to school. See, when I troll, at least my trolls make sense.

You seriously need to learn how to type, by the way.

____________________________________________________________________

I hope you read this too, Erin, and then send me another raging email so I can post it here as well and laugh my ass off while you continue to make yourself look like a moron.

Oh, and all you other readers out there? Feel free to troll that email. I put it up there for a reason.

The Liar and the Bitch

2010-02-11T21:13:00.000-08:00

Recently, I had to cut off contact with someone I was very good friends with. She was simply...well, bad for me. If any of you haven't read Anton LaVey's essay about psychic vampires, I highly recommend you look it up. For those of you who are too lazy, it's basically about people who drain you emotionally and never give you anything in return. That's precisely what this girl did to me.

Since the girl in question may read this, for the sake of her privacy I shall refer to her as Liar. Now, Liar liked to tell lies (hence the name). Completely out-of-proportion, totally unbelievable, "wtf" worthy lies. But she expected everyone to believe her. Now, I was dating a girl at the time who also may read this, so for the sake of her privacy we'll call her Bitch. Bitch and Liar were very good friends. In fact, it was Bitch who introduced me to Liar in the first place. But as time went on, Liar's stories got more and more unbelievable. Here's a paraphrased example of one:

Liar: Guys, a gang in The-Middle-Of-Nowhere, Canada kidnaps me every night and forces me to play nurse. If I don't do it they'll kill me.
Bitch: Wow. Umm, and your parents don't notice? What with you being gone every night?
Liar: ....
Bitch: Why not go to the police?
Liar: They won't do anything!
Me: Right, because police just love to let gangs in Population: Approx. 100-ville run rampant.

As if that wasn't bad enough, it evolved into this:

Liar: Guys, the mafia kidnapped me and they're holding me hostage!
Bitch: So naturally they let you online to tell us about it, right?

Eventually, Bitch got fed up with it and told Liar to fuck off. Bitch didn't want to be friends with her anymore. Man, I envy Bitch. I had to put up with this bitch (Liar, not Bitch--me and Bitch broke up shortly after this. That bitch.) for 2 more years.

As all of Liar's friends started to leave her because of her lying ways (her boyfriend even faked his death so he wouldn't have to put up with her anymore. DAYUM!), I somehow remained the only one left who supported her. I dunno, I have a bad habit of trying to be friendly to people no one else likes. My bad. Her stories just continued to get more and more ridiculous, and evolved from being raped twice in one month (I honestly believe she forgot that she had lied to me about it already and made up a new story) to being shot at 3 days in a row by afore-mentioned gang members in Buttfuck, Canada. I believe throughout the course of the 3 years I knew her, she was "about to die any day now" at least 30 times, "kidnapped by the mafia" at least 6, and "seriously injured" (broken bones/severe bruises/cuts/gun wounds) about 9 or 10 times. IN THREE YEARS. Yeah, very likely, Eri--I mean Liar. My bad, I almost slipped there.

So finally, the other day I laid down the law on that bitch (again, Liar). I was having an argument with someone when Eri--damn it!--Liar wanted to know what was wrong. I'll paraphrase the conversation from there on out:

Me: Liar, you never tell me what's going on with you whenever I ask, so why should I tell you about this?
Liar: Because the stuff I could tell you would get us both killed?
Me: .......Liar, do you really expect me to believe that? All you've ever told me since I've known you are these absolutely ridiculous stories about how people want to kill you, yet I can't help but notice you're ALIVE.
Liar: Becuase I'm IMPORTANT, maybe?
Me: Or because they're untrue. Liar, I don't have the emotional capacity to put up with you anymore.
Liar: Well good to know we're on the same page! I don't have the capacity to put up with you anymore, either!
Me: Alright then. Goodbye, Liar.

And I blocked her and removed her from my Facebook.

Anton LaVey was right in talking about how dangerous psychic vampires are, and that you should remove them completely from your life. I strongly urge you to read his essay and take it to heart.

Oh, and...

FUCK YOU, ERIN, HA HA!

Bitch. (Not that one)

...do you want some hot cocoa? Xyle's review of Steambot Chronicles.

2010-02-10T00:29:00.000-08:00

Steambot Chronicles is quite the game. If you can manage to make it past the title screen (yes, it's THAT bad) then you're in for a real gem of a game. And considering you can pick it up used for $7.99 and new for $9.99, you really can't go wrong, can you?

So, Steambot Chornicles. It seems to me, considering the names of all the characters, that the developers who made this game must have been on the brink of starvation while working on it. Vanilla, Coriander, Basil, Marjoram, Savory, Fennel, Mallow...all the character's names are food-related in some form or another. The game is pretty typical RPG fare (wake up on a beach, amnesia, pretty girl finds you, etc.) and I was convinced it would stay typical the whole way through the game based off of the first five minutes. God, was I ever wrong. From the very first Mech Battle you fight, it's pretty obvious this game is anything but typical.

Utilizing what is quite possibly the most intuitive control scheme I have ever seen, Steambot Chronicles manages to make up for its weak story by having brilliant game mechanics everywhere else. Remember those big, yellow battery-powered trucks we all thought were the shit when we were four, and they had the one stick on each side you pushed forward to go forward, or put one forward and the other back to turn? That's precisely how SBC works, using the two analog sticks. It's quite frustrating at first, but once you get the hang of it, it becomes natural. By far, though, my favorite part of the game was customizing my mech with all the different weapons and parts scattered throughout the game, even though there are a couple of combinations of parts that are absolutely broken. One frustrating thing when on the field is that your mech has a fuel tank that slowly gets drained as you move around, although I never saw what happened if it completely emptied because I obsessively filled it every chance I got (which costs money). There are also a couple of situations early on where the enemies take what feel like cheap shots to win, and for the first few hours I saw the Game Over screen a few more times than I'm accustomed to in an RPG, and most of it was because I was still getting used to the controls.

There's also a dating sim side to the game, where you can flirt with, date, and eventually fuck (no joke!) one of three girls in the game. It starts out pretty innocently with selecting the right choices in conversations and giving them presents, then gets a little more interesting once you buy your own place and invite the girl over, then becomes hot and heavy when you ask her to clean your ears and if she wants some “hot cocoa.” Ok, so it seems like no big deal, but believe me, when you play it you'll see just how heavily implied the sex is. And considering how sexy one of the three characters is (me and Remy disagree on which one), this is completely ok with me. How many games rated T actually let you get laid?

This game claims to be a “sandbox” game. Don't let it fool you. The “sandbox” part translates to “oh, after this one part you can pretty much do what you want but there's really not much TO do, so just go and finish the story.” The cities simply feel too small to be a sandbox, there's too many loading screens inside the cities to make them worth exploring, the game is very limiting in what you can do so there's not as much freedom like there is in other sandbox games, and there's absolutely no incentive to abandon the main quest except for maybe one or two side quests that give you ridiculously overpowered weapons for your mech. As for being able to be good or evil, it really just comes down to one choice when a bad guy asks you “Will you join us?” and you say yes or no. Your previous choices have absolutely no bearing over it, because I had been playing the Good Samaritan up until that point and I still had the option to join the bad guys! I would have liked to see this side of the game expanded upon more. Games like Knights of the Old Republic really gave us the freedom to be good or evil, and actually gave us moral choices that affected the outcome of the game, and this game tried really hard to emulate that but simply didn't execute it properly. Which is a shame, really, because of what it could have been.

Oh, I forgot to mention that in the story, you join a band and play instruments via a very simple rhythm game mechanic. However, most of the songs suck with the exception of the last one, and outside of the required concerts in the story there's no reason to do it because you can make better money doing more productive and more enjoyable things. A neat idea, however it feels like it was used more as a gimmick. This is one of the things I'd like to see improved on the most if they make a SBC 2.

All in all, SBC was a highly enjoyable game at a more than reasonable price. You have absolutely no reason to not go and buy it right now. What are you waiting for? GO GO GO GO.

Final score breakdown:
Story: 6/10
Graphics: 7.5/10
Sound/Music: 7/10
Controls: 8.5/10
Gameplay: 9.5/10

Final score: 7.5/10

The 2009 Moral Victory National Championship

2010-01-13T09:07:00.000-08:00

Congratulations to our Alabama Crimson Tide

2010-01-08T15:27:00.000-08:00

The Alabama Crimson Tide are your 2009 BCS National Champions. Being that 'Bama gave us the name of this blog, and is also the team that both writers of this site support, we feel that we should give our due. Alabama went 14-0, undefeated through a tough SEC schedule, to beat the Texas Longhorns 37-21. After a dominating 24-6 first half, the game looked to be well in hand. But the Longhorns, without their starting QB and only a frosh to lead them, storm back to make it 27-21. Alabama caught fire again, lead by the return of Heisman winner Mark Ingram, to score two touchdowns to make it 37-21. Garrett Gilbert sealed the game by throwing an INT lead, and Alabama won their first title since the 1992. So once again, congrats to our Alabama team. ROLL TIDE!

I'm In Your FFXIII...

2009-12-17T05:52:00.000-08:00

Ruinin' your Lightning.

12 More Rules for Christmas

2009-12-10T22:07:00.000-08:00

Hey all, it's that time again. You know, with the misletoe and every thing. Presents and all, there are some things to get really excited for. World peace, snuggling the last piece of the blueberry pie, the whole she-bang. But if anyone remembers our rules from last year, I've got a continuation for you all.

1) Don't believe fucking Kays/Jared/InsertJewelryStoreHere. Cheap is the way to go. Valentine's Day is right around the corner, so save your wallet the trouble and get something thoughtful rather than expensive for your significant other. If you don't have a significant other, pour out some of your drink to bless those homies who do. Because we all know what happens if they fuck up on Christmas.

2) Ham is a must. Christmas without ham is like sex with your grandmother. Bland, lifeless, and frankly, shouldn't be happening.

3) Stock up on Egg Nog. Enough said.

4) For every time you pass a Christmas cartoon on the television for something else, have a drink. If you willing sit through one, drink TWO.

5) Thoughtful cards fucking blow. Funny cards only.

6) This year's Christmas Beer is Rolling Rock. Cheap and tastes good.

7) It's mandatory to have an inflatable snowman on your front lawn.

8) The only candy canes worth buying are the sweet ones.

9) Ask for Borderlands. Yes, it delivers.

10) Have sex on Christmas Eve. Who cares if you have kids.

11) For the children, make sure to tell them that Santa Claus isn't real.

12) WOO YANKEES CHAMPIONSHIP. Suck it haters.

And as always, this song is *still* the best Christmas song.

Nobody Does It Better: A Ranking of All the Actors Portraying 007

2009-11-21T10:13:00.000-08:00

Bond... James Bond. His name, and his legacy, is known to every person of every age. Whether you were born in the swinging '70s or the alternative explosion of the '90s, you know who James Bond is. He has been portrayed as 6 actors through 22 (or 23, if you count Never Say Never Again), all of them, at the very least, being decent movies. I have seen all of the Bond movies except Quantum of Solace, so I am going to embark on the impossible task of ranking the six Bonds. If you disagree with these rankings, that's your opinion, but for the most part, I'm right. Anyways, off to number six (That's right, you're going to have to scroll to find out the number one Bond, you lazy assholes).

#6: Daniel Craig

Uh oh, Remy is being biased by ranking Craig as the sixth best Bond! No, I'm not, so hold your horses people who are ready to call Craig the heir apparent to Sean Connery. But why is Craig being ranked so low? Well, to be honest, I never really felt that Craig felt the "Bond" image very well. With his blond hair, and bright blue eyes, it's almost like I'm not watching a Bond movie at all. However, with only two movies, I think my ranking might be a little unfair, but if there is one reason for this ranking, it's the fact that with him, the Bond series had to be restarted and retconned. Casino Royale, was an adaption of the first book, and because of this, Craig was inserted as the new Bond, a young, rookie Bond, who made mistakes. And while I liked seeing that type of Bond, because of the man Craig replaced (Brosnan), I find myself hard to like him, and therefore, he gets sixth best.

Best Movie: Casino Royale (2006)

#5: George Lazenby

Ah, George Lazenby. He was only ever in one Bond film, On Her Majesty's Secret Service, before Sean Connery came back to do Diamonds Are Forever. Timothy Dalton was originally offered the role, but he felt himself too young to fit the role of Bond. Then Roger Moore was considered, but due to working with the television program The Saint, he was unavailable. A multitude of other actors were considered, but director Harry Saltzman decided on the Australian-born Lazenby after seeing him in a commercial. OHMSS was the second part of the Blofeld trilogy, and was the only movie where Bond got married.

So what about Lazenby? He only sort-of looked the part, and he had almost no prior acting experience. He followed Connery, the first, and in many people's eyes, the best Bond. Many people, and Bond experts, seem to agree had OHMSS retained Connery as Bond, it would far and away be the best Bond movie in the series. But honestly, Lazenby wasn't that bad. He was just incapable of portraying the bigger than life version of Bond that so many people are accustomed to seeing. He seemed vulnerable and jittery at times, and the scene at the skating rink, he is actually scared. I think the director's were trying to show a different side of Bond than the audience were used to seeing. Overall, Lazenby was a suitable Bond, not the best, but certainly not the worst, as I'll give him a free pass. It's unfair to follow Connery, and then succeeded by him again, so Lazenby, you were okay in my eyes. After all, it was you who gave one of the most memorable scenes in the history of Bond. Cradling his dead bride, Bond looks down and mutters "We have all the time in the world."

Best (and only) Movie: On Her Majesty's Secret Service (1969)

#4: Roger Moore

Roger Moore, as you may or may not have known, starred as the secret agent more than any other actor by appearing in seven (official) James Bond movies. After Sean Connery came back to star one more time as 007 in the oft-maligned Diamonds are Forever, he decided to retire from being Bond after uttering the famous line "Never again", even after the producer's tried to get him to do one more. And Lazenby's questionable agent incorrectly predicted that Bond would not be as popular in the 70s as he was in the '60s, so that sparked a new search for an actor to play James Bond. While United Artists wanted an American to be chosen (Top candidates were Burt Reynolds and Paul Newman, respectively), however, producer Albert Broccoli insisted that a Briton should play the part. And the rest was history, as Roger Moore became Bond.

Unfortunately, even if Diamonds are Forever was very campy and too humorous for it's own good, it still made a LOT of money cashing in on the Bond name. So, seeing this as a cash cow, the producer's went with this direction for the next several Bond films. And this is why Moore is so low on my list. While he wasn't a bad Bond, he was just TOO silly at times, and was very bad in his first two films, and only ever had one truly great film. The Spy Who Loved Me, was Moore's third movie, which was far and away his best. This movie had it all: spectacle, romance, exotic locales, memorable action scenes, good characters and a classic theme song. It was almost too good for it's own, the only flaw I can put in this, was that the movie ran too long. Unfortunately, the franchise reverted back to the campy tone after this movie, so, like the franchise, Moore suffered with it. But for his portrayal of Bond in "The Spy Who Loved Me", he deserves the #4 spot on this ranking.

Best Movie: The Spy Who Loved Me (1977)

#3: Timothy Dalton

This is where things get interesting. Like so much of the casting of finding a new Bond, it always seems that one future Bond actor would be in the running for it. Way back when, in 1969, producer Albert Broccoli wanted Timothy Dalton to play the role of our beloved hero. Feeling himself too young, he declined the role. However, enter 1987, Roger Moore has just retired from being Bond, and you're looking for a new actor. A very popular television series, known as Remington Steele, has just took off, and an actor everyone loves (Pierce Brosnan) is being touted as a "perfect Bond". You offer him the role, but what's this? The ratings for Remington Steele just took off? Noticing that NBC has extended Brosnan's contract for another season, you will NOT let them ride the coattails of your movie. So in spite of this, Broccoli withdrew the role from Brosnan, Remington Steele was cancelled, and during the intervening period, Dalton was offered the role of Bond once again, to which he accepted.

Despite A View to a Kill being a financial success, it was lambasted by critics and received horrible reviews, noting that the only good part about the movie was Christopher Walken's "classic" Bond villain image. With a recast of the Bond role, Dalton injected new life into the series, as a more brooding and serious James Bond. A LOT, and I mean a LOT of people did not like seeing this sort of Bond. However, I liked it. No more campy humor, just plenty of action with a man that most looked like Bond since Connery himself. Dalton brought back the espionage and the realism that the series lacked during the Moore era, and his two movies were top notch.

His first, and perhaps his best, was The Living Daylights. Dalton did an excellent job, taking his role seriously and did all his own stunts. He also showed the dark side of Bond, which I rather liked. He lacked with the humor aspect, but I forgave that because he was just that good. I won't spoil this one for you, but if you haven't seen it, go download/torrent/buy/order it on HBO now.

The second movie, License to Kill, totally took the dark Bond to a whole new level. After his friend and wife are killed, Bond takes revenge on their assailant by pushing him into the same shark tank that his friend was killed in. While MI6 gives him a new mission, Bond refuses and resigns. At first, M refuses to let him resign, uttering one of the more famous lines in Bond history "We're not a country club!". He comes around though, and revokes 007s license to kill, along with his 00 agent status. He escapes MI6 custody, and becomes a rogue agent, although he is still assisted by Q. It only picks up from there, but I assure you, it's a good one. If you're a fan of the Moore films, then don't bother, you won't like it at all.

In short, Dalton looked like Bond, gave him a different personality, and his all business approach lands him at #3 on my list.

Best Movie: The Living Daylights (1987)

#2: Pierce Brosnan

If you grew up in the '90s like me, Brosnan WAS Bond. When I was little, I thought that Bond was only portrayed by Pierce and Connery. He was so suave, a consummate ladie's man, a professional. He knew when to be a romantic, when to be funny, and when to be serious. Almost as good as Connery. I have not met someone who did not like Pierce Brosnan as James Bond. All of the good games feature him as Bond, most notably the best FPS in the history of the genre, the one that started it all, Goldeneye for the Nintendo 64. Without it, you don't have your Haloes, or your Gears of War, or your Call of Duties. But I'm here to rank the actor, not the games.

Brosnan was offered the part after a six year hiatus, with people fighting over the rights to Bond and starred in the first post-Cold War Bond film, Goldeneye. Like Dalton before him, his first was his best, and if you have played the game, or the watched the movie, you know what I'm talking about. Why aren't I going in depth like I did with Dalton's movies? Because most people haven't seen Dalton's movies, whereas everyone has at least seen Goldeneye. Brosnan's Bond was more sensitive, more vulnerable, and more psychologically complete than every Bond before him, and he also had a loss of innocence that differentiated his Bond from the others. There was an air about Brosnan, as if he were before his time, and I felt his entry into the series really did bring about the turn around of the franchise itself. Arguably, if you're to look at the official picture of Bond by Ian Fleming, he looks more like Pierce than any other Bond actor. Tommorow Never Dies was also good, but unfortunately, The World is Not Enough and Die Another Day didn't live up to their hype. But if there was one constant throughout all those movies, it was that Pierce Brosnan was an excellent Bond. Unfortunately for him, there was one better...

Best Movie: Goldeneye (1995)

#1 Sean Connery

The original is always best. This is certainly true with many things, but it certainly holds true for James Bond. Connery is the epitome of Bond, whom every actor is compared to. Perhaps no one will ever be better, or even as good, as Connery was as 007. He starred in six films (seven, if you count the unofficial Never Say Never Again), and he practically carried them on his back. Connery was so good, that Ian Fleming made it so that Bond was half-Scottish, half-Swiss in his novels. And while it is perhaps unfair to compare any Bond to Connery, it is only just. Only two of his six movies were average, and none of them were below average.

There are many of his movies to choose from, whether it be Dr. No, or Thunderball, or the iconic From Russia with Love. Perhaps you're a fan of You Only Live Twice. Maybe your favorite was *gasp* Diamonds are Forever (shame on you, if it is). But to me, the best Bond film, and Connery's finest, was Goldfinger.

It is the perfect spy film, sucking in hardcore Bond fans and casual viewers alike. Every 007 film since, has some way, some form, followed the Goldfinger formula. It is the first film in the series to feature elaborate gadgets (the tricked out Aston Martin, anyone?), and had some of the most memorable death scenes (suffocation by gold paint), villains (Goldfinger and Oddjob) and the name that started double entendres for Bond women, Pussy Galore. In arguably the climax of the movie, Goldfinger has our hero tied down to a piece of gold, a laser cutting it in half. Bond, looking at Goldfinger, asks "Do you expect me to talk?". Walking away, Goldfinger turns to him and says "No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die!". There was plenty of humor, gimmicks, excitement, an amusing yet tense gold contest between Bond and Goldfinger, thrilling fights to the death between Bond and Oddjob and Bond and Goldfinger, and a fascinating central crime. In short, as I said before, perfect. So as I close out this post, I have to ask, have I changed your mind on anything? Perhaps you disagree with my rankings. But if I offered at least some insight to at least ONE Bond fan, I will consider this a success. So, in short, I am the Nostalgia Critic, and I remember it so you don't hav- *shot*

A-God!: A Tribute

2009-11-04T14:44:00.000-08:00

Since we all know the Yankees will win the World Series tonight...or tommorow night, I'd like to commemorate a TRUE Yankee who has delivered time and time again this post-season. And no, his name isn't Mariano Rivera. Alex Rodriguez has delivered this post-season, and is the reason why the Yankees have done so well this year. So in short, a tribute.

Clutch-Rod after delivering on a HR.

A-God determining whether to crush the hearts of Phillie fans if he wants to end the World Series just yet.

Our lord and savior trolling the Rangers before getting traded to the greatest team of all-time.

A-Rod, once again trolling the opposing team by jerking off on home plate.

Eh, A-Rod's a pretty cool guy, he smokes the cigars and doesn't afraid of cancer.

Lesbians are the bane of existence and only want to steal your girlfriend.

2009-09-19T17:11:00.000-07:00

Lesbians are the reason 95% of all relationships fail. While I grab my flame shield before all the pro-gay/pro-lesbian people get on my ass, I do have valid reasons for why they suck. While lesbians are hot, that really is their only talent. For porn. That's it, end of fucking story. I am convinced that their mission on this earth is to STEAL every man's girl for their secret lesbian agenda. I have seen more relationships fail because the girl decided that being with her perfectly fine man isn't good enough.

See, it always starts like this. First, the lesbian asks the guy's girlfriend if they can go somewhere for dinner. The girlfriend assures the guy that it's just something friendly. And that's the problem, nothing is ever friendly. When the girl comes back, she doesn't mention what happened. Later on, you see the girlfriend and the lesbian hugging, holding hands, but once again, assuring the guy that it's "friendly". Next comes the "friendly" kissing, and the "friendly" I love yous, and then the "friendly" going over the lesbian's house to spend the night.

After *all* that is done, normally on a day after the girl tells you she's not going to dump the poor guy, it happens. Guy gets a phone call, or a text message, or an IM, and then "the talk" happens. You know, the one that always starts with "We need to talk." And this happens, ALL. THE. TIME. Lesbians claim they don't do this on purpose, but we all know the lying rugmunchers are well...lying.

First off, they ALWAYS go for girls that are with boyfriends. See: every single lesbian porn video ever. Why can't they go for another girl? People always tell you there are other fish in the sea, but lesbians are INTENT on taking your goldfish. God forbid them to go after a tuna. Two, they know what girls want because they are girls. Because guys cannot understand the the female mind, they take advantage of this. This comes in handy during, once again, sex, to the point that guy becomes so inadequate, that he can't get the girl off. And finally, the lesbian has a more likable personality than the guy. What girl is going to want to be with someone that likes sports, video games, and nudity when she can have someone who likes make-up, chick flicks and going to the mall? So as you can see, the guy is at SUCH a disadvantage, he can't win. So what're you going to do about it?

I've devised this plan, just like the government in the Netherlands does for crack/heroin addicts. Set up a small area for the drug users, give them drugs, but they can't do anything except shoot up heroin. And that's where lesbians need to go. A place where they can only be with lesbians, preferably the fat ones, and that's all they can do. And if a girl is bisexual leaning MORE to the girl side, they have to go there too. That's completely fair, and if you disagree, you're clearly fascist. Or, if that's unfair, what about the rule that Mafia has in place? You get with a girl or guy who is taken, and you get MURDERED. I've eliminated the entire problem of cheating right there.

In short, folks, just say no to lesbianism.

The PS3 is better than the 3FixMe and the Nintendo Pee. GET THE FUCK OVER IT.

2009-09-19T10:37:00.000-07:00

Well, you all already know how I feel about the Wii, so I thought maybe I ought to give the 360 it's chance so I can then bash it and tell you all why the PS3 is infinitely superior in every single fucking aspect. I guess the first thing I should tackle would be the fail rate. And for those of you who don't click that, there's a beautiful image on that page that I'm going to post here. Redundant? Maybe. Awesome? Hellz yes.

But seriously. The Xbox 3FixMe has a 54.2% fail rate. FIFTY FOUR POINT FUCKING TWO. That's just unacceptable. PIECE OF SHIT. Or as Remy would say, PIECE OF GURREN LAGANN. This game console is the result of Microsoft's gargantuan shit that wouldn't flush down the toilet, so they decided to market it instead. "But wait, Xyle," you may say. "What about SONY'S piece of shit? It's only fair if you talk about THEIR shit as well!" Very well, Clyde, I shall. The PS3 has a LESS THAN ONE PERCENT FAIL RATE. Despite what the BBC may claim, I've yet to hear of really any problems with the PS3, and the few I have heard were resolved by Sony in a timely manner. However, everyone I know with a 3FixMe has had problems with it. One of my friends at college is on his third one. What happened to the other two? RRoD, what else?

But allow me to get back on topic. The controllers. The 360 has the most god-awful controller I think I've ever had the displeasure of holding, aside from maybe the Virtual Boy, but let's just consider that the excpetion that proves the rule. PIECE OF SHIT. However, Sony decided to do things the right way and adopted an approach of "if it ain't broke, DON'T FUCKING FIX IT." The PS3 controller is superior in every way, shape, and form to the 360's except in maybe one regard: first person shooters. But really, if you bought a 360 for first person shooters, you're a moron, because computer's have this nifty thing called a MOUSE that's also superior to the shitty 360 controller. As a matter of fact I have yet to see one exclusive 360 game that either hasn't been ported to the computer or isn't going to be ported to the computer eventually. Which also brings me to my third point...

EXCLUSIVES. One can no longer refer to the exclusive argument when referring to the 360 being better than the PS3 because, frankly, it isn't true anymore. Halo 3? Piece of shit. Infamous? Amazing. Gears of War? Piece of shit. Metal Gear Solid 4? Amazing. And you wanna talk future exclusives? Well, let's see, we have Halo 49357205720: PeePee Vagina over in this corner, and Final Fantasy XIII Versus in this corner. Gee, I wonder what wins there?

While we're discussing games I feel I must bring up the subject of multi-platform games, because a lot of people claim they're the exact same on either console, which is a fucking lie. Bioshock? Added content on the PS3, better resolution. Eternal Sonata? Added content, better resolution. Prince of Persia? Better resolution. Star Ocean 4? Added content, fixed game mechanics, and most likely, you guessed it, better resolution. Oh, and let's not forget Batman: Arkham Asylum's Joker levels that are PS3 exclusives. So that right there is the multiplatform myth, DEBUNKED. God I'm so good at this.

At the end of the day I suppose it really does all come down to opinions, shitty little things though they are, but in all reality I believe there's enough evidence out there that proves the PS3 is superior. And with the new slim model being released for $299, you can no longer use price as a reason not to get one. So what the fuck are you still doing here? GO BUY A PS3.

There's a reason it's called a 3FixMe.

Follow Up on TTGL

2009-09-13T18:02:00.000-07:00

I guess me ranting about TTGL didn't do anything to discourage people from watching it. That's fine. But just to be able to judge this series, I watched a few episodes of it, and Remy's quick capsule review..."Piece of shit". Yeah, yeah, end of the story, by the way. Don't get caught up into that fevered, high-pitched, phony fucking debate about this PIECE OF SHIT series. "Is it too over-the-top, what about the character development and awesome story and the hotness of Yoko?" ASASKHSAKJHKJ. You're just confused, you've forgotten how to judge correctly. Take a deep breath, look at it again. "Oh, it's a piece of shit!" Exactly, that's all it is. Satan squatted, let out a loaf, they put a fucking title on it, put it on television, "Satan's Shit". Piece of shit, walk away. "But what about the cleavage and the deep story line and the whole epic quest." SAJHDASHDKJASHKJHK. You're getting really baffled here. Piece of shit, now walk away. That's all it is, it's nothing more. Free yourself folks, if you see it, "Piece of shit", say it, and walk away. You're right. YOU'RE RIGHT. Not those fuckers who want to tell you how to think. YOU'RE FUCKING RIGHT. I don't want to seem like Randy Pan the Goatboy but uhh... the only reason I bothered giving that piece of shit series a chance, were because of the boobs. If I were to rewrite TTGL, the only person complaining about it would be Kamina. "I swear I was awesome in that series! I swear I was!" Well, gee, Kamina, the episode started, Yoko fingered herself for about thirty minutes, and then the credits rolled. I don't remember seeing your scrawny ass, Kamina. But really folks, there is no reason for me to care about it. Follow these steps, and we can eradicate shitty anime from existence.

Why I Can Never Ever Take Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann Seriously

2009-09-01T02:48:00.000-07:00

Well, anime fans, pat yourselves on the back yet again. You've ruined ANOTHER anime for me. Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann is now on my list of anime I will never, ever watch. Oh, I'm sorry, you need proof that people are ruining it? Look no further then below this paragraph!

It all started a few months ago, when someone mentioned this anime to me called Gurren Lagann. I never bothered to look it up, but I took their word for it that it was good. I went onto OT, and I look around, and no topics, no nothing, and if there was, it was simply a topic discussing the show. No problem, right? Well, ever since two to three months ago, weeaboos found out how good the anime must be, and like the plague, they swooped in and claimed it for their own.

Now, I can't go anywhere without someone mentioned Gurren Lagann or how absolutely amazing it is. I go on OT, and half of the topics are about TTGL. And in every best character contest, I'm saying this literally, there were at no LESS than three or four characters from this anime in the top ten. How in the hell did it get so popular, and why? To figure this out, I went to Wikipedia to look at a plot summary.

"Gurren Lagann takes place in a fictional future in which human beings have been forced under Earth's surface and live in isolated subterranean civilizations. These "villages" have no contact with the surface world or other villages. Because frequent earthquakes damage infrastructure, the villages must constantly extend deeper into the earth—individuals relegated to this task are known as "diggers"."

"Jeeha Village is the home of Simon, a fourteen-year-old digger who was orphaned when his parents were killed in an earthquake. Although Simon is respected by the village elders as the best of the diggers, he is ostracized by his peers. Simon discovers a special drill key deep in the ground and is soon recruited by an eccentric fellow orphan named Kamina into his group the "Gurren Brigade". Kamina dreams of the surface world, which he once visited as a child, though he had to return home as he was too young to survive there."

Oh, gee willikers, another fucking overused plotline. "Orphans". When isn't the main goddamned character of an anime an orphan? Oh, and he's ostracized too? What the hell, is this the futuristic sequel to Naruto? Let's read on.

"After a failed attempt at reaching the surface, Kamina is jailed by the village elder. Simon resumes digging, only to discover "a big face" deep in his tunnel. As he excitedly fetches Kamina to show him the discovery, Simon is also caught by the village elder. Fortuitously, Kamina's punishment is interrupted by the collapse of the ceiling over Jeeha Village, as an enormous mecha falls into the cavern. A girl named Yoko appears and tries to repel the machine with a large rifle. Simon takes Kamina and Yoko to the "big face" he found earlier and discovers that the small drill key can be used to activate it. Named "Lagann", he uses it to destroy the invading mecha and effectively break through to the surface."

...Mechs. Mechs. You know, there are only four shows in existence that can get away with mechs. Gundam, Zoids, Gasaraki, and Full Metal Panic. And that's it. So just by reading the first two paragraphs, I can determine that this anime is a piece of shit. The simple equation for it seems to be Naruto + Gundam + Cleavage.

Weeaboos really ruin everything. If they aren't bitching about how everything affiliated with Japan is better than anything American (subbed anime over dubbed anime, etc), they go beyond their call of duty to hype shows up until no one wants to watch them and people get tired of hearing about them. It just drives me absolutely nuts. And of course, it didn't take cosplayers too long to catch on.

You can try to convince me that TTGL is worth watching, but you're just wasting your time, I will NEVER, EVER watch TTGL until the hype dies down. And that might be another ten years. And for you, fellow readers, as the great Bill Hicks said if you ever get into an argument "Say Piece of shit. And walk away."

Thank You Nintendo

2009-07-29T11:14:00.000-07:00

This doesn't come very often, but I would like to thank Nintendo. Why? Because after a long, long wait, we are finally get remakes to Pokemon Gold and Silver, the best Pokemon games there ever could be. So thank you Nintendo, for the only good thing you've done in recent memory!

R.I.P. Michael Jackson

2009-06-26T10:27:00.000-07:00

You know, I must admit, it's pretty sad that I have to rant about this at all. Not that because Michael Jackson died, because that's what is tragic here, but the sheer amount of backlash this caused. When Farrah died yesterday, I didn't see anybody make backhanded comments about her, and she was a druggie. Fuck Farrah, unless you were born in the seventies, you're not going to remember her.

Okay, so let me explain protocol here for the ignorant bastards who think it's funny to make child molester jokes a mere couple hours (or as of the current time, almost a day) after his death. I realize this is the internet, and everyone can be "cool" by going against popular opinion, but I don't remember this kind of crap being said when the Virginia Tech Massacre happened. Instead, the country gathered together in order to honor the dead. Even CJayC/Sailor Bacon on GameFAQs said "Remember, death in any circumstance is not funny."

Which is what bothers me. A guy, as eccentric in his later years as he was, died at the age of fifty. That's tragic just even then. Hardly anyone dies at fifty nowadays. As a kid, he was beaten mercilessly by his dick of a father. I'm not making excuses for the guy, but I do remember reading in psychology that things done to you during your childhood can lead to something when you're an adult. Now, regardless if he did what he did or not, we have to trust the law. Yeah, and I know what you detractors are saying "WELL OJ". OJ is fucking different, OJ's victims were dead, and Johnnie Cochran was a good lawyer, even if he did play the race card quite a bit. They had two chances to nab MJ, and both times they failed. Why? Because they found out the plantiff's were clearly lying. On top of having NO evidence, and that's easy to get with the technology nowadays, there's no excuse for these jokes to be made AT ALL. By verdict, we are to presume that Jackson was innocent.

But we can't do that, not even for a week. Fox News seemed to get their jollies by playing that clip of Jackson saying "It's not wrong to have children in your bed". They attacked him, the only news network TO attack him. And that's pathetic and really shows you how low their fucking program network is. To keep throwing this in his face is like when you die, and instead of people trying to remember the good times they had with you, instead they bring up the worst thing you ever done, like, oh, say, throwing a brick at someone and putting that person in the hospital. Only they keep bringing it up to the point that that's ALL they talk about and public consensus is that you're a monster. And honestly, I hope that happens to the people making those jokes now, because karma is a bitch.

So how about for at least a week, we remember what MJ did for all of us. Maybe it's a certain song or album, or how he danced, or how he got girls within fifty feet of him to scream for no reason. Not that bad, but what he did good for us. For me, it's the song Man in the Mirror. And if there is nothing good for you to remember about him, please, out of respect for his children and family, keep it to yourself and off Youtube/GameFAQs/Twitter/MSN/Facebook/MySpace/Etc.

RIP MJ, true legends never die.

lol Sony

2009-06-25T14:07:00.000-07:00

The PSPgo is the lamest piece of shit I think I've ever seen, and the baffling thing is that Sony thinks gamers will actually spend their money on it! By doing away with the UMD drive and going download-only, this means that you'll no longer have physical copies of your games. Whose idea was this? I guarantee that almost NO ONE is going to be okay with that. Sony used to actually listen to their fan-base and try to please them, but lately it seems like it's always been "SONY SONY SONY SONY" instead. They claim they're doing it to conquer pirating, but seriously, Sony, let's be real here. About 5% of PSP owners have CFW, and of that 5% only about 10% pirate games. YOU'RE NOT LOSING THAT MUCH, DIPSHITS. And of that 10% who pirate, how many of them will go out and buy the game because they liked it? And for that matter, how many of your games are actually WORTH pirating? There's really no way to find out, but you know how many will buy games that come with no physical copy? Somewhere around zero, I'd imagine. Sony, you guys need to get your heads out of your asses. This is your FOURTH PSP. NOTHING WAS WRONG WITH THE FIRST THREE. Hell, nothing was wrong with the first TWO, for that matter. Sony used to be worth something, but now they're just a big joke.

lol Sony

Okay, I have a Bone to Pick....

2009-01-28T10:48:00.000-08:00

For this rant, a lyrical allusion is in order.

"And if the people stare, then the people state. Oh, I really don't know and I really don't care!" - The Smiths, Hand in Glove

Seriously, what THE FUCK, RJ Reynolds, what the FUCK have you done to Camel Lights!? It all started with the package change, and it didn't bother me so much, neither did the filter having become way more thicker and become like the first time you had a McFlurry and you realized the giant straw looking thing was a spoon. But they didn't stop there, they had to change the flavor. No long is it smooth and mellow, like it advertises, and no longer are they a pleasure to burn. Not anymore, they're shitty.

Seriously, Camels used to be the shit, especially Camel Lights, and all of a sudden, they've become, to quote Jon McEnroe, "The absolute pits of the world". Why did they have to fall from grace? I know Obama is in office, but that doesn't give you the right to change everything, you FUCKS. I don't know what to do now, because Camel Lights were the perfect balance between flavor and harshness, smooth, yet they had the roughness of a regular strength cigarette. They were easy on the head, and it was just a real pleasure to light one up. God, RJ Reynolds has sold out, and I honestly thought they never would. This is a sad day for us all.

^When Camel Lights were the best cigarette in the world.

The Best Web Comics You've Never Read

2009-01-13T22:15:00.000-08:00

*This important message is brought to you by Remy, with a new avatar! Compliments go to Steph White, my heroine and quite frankly thankly, without whom I would be left without someone to talk to at noon during breaks*

Here at Project Epic, we advocate creativeness and artsmanship of the highest quality, whether it be music, books, anime, television, or games. Today I'm going to take a little time away from our usual rantings to talk about the best web comics you've never read.

On Your Feet and Poor Little Runia. Yes, I know there are plenty of other well known web comics, such as MegaTokyo and 8-Bit Theater, but I think when something is done during free time, it becomes less of an obsession and more of a fun thing to do. While I do not doubt the light-heartedness conveyed in both OYF and PLR, you do things for friends because you want to see them succeed. But don't think of this as just a favor, because these comics are really top-notch.

OYF spawned as a punk rock comic (as evidenced by the punk rock look of the characters) that was a bunch of one-panels to create a story. However, it became more than that. I rather find the art style positively unique, and that is, in a good way. While the characters have no huge back story, they portray quite a realistic view of the world today. Remember when we were teenagers, chugging along through high school to get the fuck out to graduate? That's what OYF conveys, and I give it the Remy Seal of Approval. Read it, laugh, and recommend it to your friends. It has the potential to be one of the best online comics ever if it were to get enough views.

I don't know much about Poor Little Runia, as it's just getting started, but you can definitely see the contrast between the art styles (both comics are done by the same artist, by the way). But it's nothing short of brilliant, I'm sure. With such few strips at the moment, unlike MegaTokyo or 8 Bit Theater, it's not hard to jump in. Plus, you get the novelty of saying you were reading it since the very beginning. Classy AND awesome at the same time.

Please, if you can take a simple twenty seconds of your time and vote for OYF to become one of the top web comics, please do so here. A little goes a long way, and I'm sure you'd want the same thing if you were drawing and putting effort into something like this. Anyways, that's it. As Ryan Seacrest would say, I'm out.

And people wonder why the popularity of baseball isn't what it used to be...

2008-12-23T14:02:00.000-08:00

Of course it isn't, when 2/3 of the league goes into the season knowing they have absolutely no chance of competing. There isn't going to be interest from those cities.

Sure, you get the surprise team here and there, but by in large, it's the same teams year after year that compete and make the postseason. And those surprise teams are unable to maintain being a contender.

It's no wonder that the NFL is far more popular than MLB is. They have things to keep the competitive balance alive, so that the teams in big markets or with owners with deep pockets can't just dominate the league.

If there were no cap in the NFL, you can bet that the Giants and Jets would have enormous payrolls. In addition to teams like Washington, Dallas and Seattle, because their owners are unbelievably rich.

The best thing they could do in baseball is cut the league in half and just eliminate the teams that can't compete.

Small market teams should not be the farm system for the big market teams. But that's what it amounts to. They draft/sign the player, groom him for the big leagues and then he's gone as soon as he can become a free agent. And criticizing a small market team for not being able to pay big money to a player is asinine. They don't generate the revenue that the big markets teams do. Therefore they don't have the money to spend. But I guess that's alright when you root for a big market team.

It's rather comical that one team has handed out contracts to three players worth a combined $413-423 million this winter and they may not be done. Add to that, they asked the city for $400 million to finish their stadium. That's rather pathetic.

Level off the playing field and they would be taking a giant step toward getting interest back in the game. I'm not just in favor of a salary cap, there should also be a minimum payroll and not something extremely low either.

Payrolls have gotten out of control and they will eventually kill the golden goose. It may take a little while longer, but it will happen. People will get tired of paying exorbitant prices to go to games, that's when it will smack them in the face. By then, the game will be broken and will need a complete overhaul to get going.

I know fans of the big market teams will say that I'm just mad because I don't root for one of those teams. You're right, I don't. In fact, I have a hard time rooting for anybody in baseball because of the way things are done. I gave up caring a long time ago, but I root for the Orioles.

What the Hell is Wrong With Football?: The WTF 2008 Season of both Professional and College Football

2008-12-14T20:05:00.000-08:00

This year has just been a down year for football in general. I know many of our readers probably don't give a flying fuck about sports, but this is a rant I just have to cover. Normally it is just one or the other that has itself messed up, but this year it's just bad on both ends. Now, without further ado, here are my points.

1) The National Football League referees flat out SUCK.

There are many blown calls by the refs every year, but this year is certainly a year to remember. It all started with the muffed call in week 1 against the Chargers when the infamous tuck rule reared it's ugly head, giving the Denver Broncos a win in a call that decided the outcome of the game. Now remember, I can only talk about blown calls I could actually see myself, so I only have a few.

- Earlier this year, the Baltimore Ravens hosted the Tennessee Titans in a battle of great defenses. The Ravens were winning in the fourth quarter, and the Titans needed a TD to win. On third down, Ravens linebacker Terrell Suggs sacked Tennessee quarterback Kerry Collins, in what would have been the turning point in an already great game. Instead, the refs flagged Suggs for roughing the passer when his hand barely touched Collins' helmet. The Titans would later win the game with Collins throwing a TD pass.

- In Week 15 of the NFL season, the Baltimore Ravens once again hosted the Pittsburgh Steelers in a rematch of a monday night loss to Pittsburgh at Heinz Field after the Steelers came from behind in the second half. Many analysts predicted that the outcome would be different when the Steelers would have to travel to M&T Bank Stadium in Maryland for the rematch. A blown call earlier in the game gave Pittsburgh a field goal, when their running back attempted to run for the first down. The officials ruled the result a first down, when the runner was clearly pushed back way before the first down marker. Ravens coach John Harbaugh challenged the call, but to no avail, the play stood as called. Overlooking this, the Ravens coasted into half time with a 9-6 lead over their arch-rival. And the Ravens defense held up...until the last two minutes of the game. Rex Ryan was stupid and kept calling a prevent defense, but Pittsburgh QB Ben Roethlisberger found his receivers wide open in the middle of the field. The Steelers went from their own ten yard line to the Ravens six. With 43 seconds remaining, Roethlisberger threw a pass to Santonio Holmes, who caught the ball in the endzone. The only problem was, the ball never crossed the plane of the endzone. The official rulings state: "A touchdown is scored when the ball crosses the plane of the goal line". The refs original ruling was "The ball did not cross the plane of the goal line, the ball will be spotted at the one yard line". The refs reviewed the play, and ruled that Holmes caught the ball and progressed it into the end zone with NO conclusive evidence. It was a bad call, and the only people willing to defend it are Steelers homers who will sit here and defend Bill Cowher and their rigged Super Bowl XL win. Regardless, good ole Bawlmer dropped to 9-5, giving the Shittsburgh Squeelers the AFC North title.

But besides the bad calls, the refs have gotten overly vindictive about protecting the quarterback, to the point the rule should just be that the defense should touch the QB with two hands to bring him down.

2) I'm tired of hearing University of Texas fans complain how they beat Oklahoma at a neutral field and they deserve to be in the National Title game against Florida.

For you to understand how this works, the National Championship Game takes place between the top two teams in the BCS Poll every year. Earlier this year, Texas was ranked #1. Texas lost to Texas Tech, who jumped a then-undefeated Penn State to become #2, with Alabama taking the number one spot. A few weeks later, Oklahoma crushed Texas Tech and became #2. According to Big XII rules, a tiebreaker is resolved to whoever is higher in the BCS rankings. Texas fans felt that since they beat Oklahoma though, they deserved to play Missouri for the Big XII championship game. Alright, fair enough, but don't you DARE say you won at a "neutral site". Because you didn't. For those who didn't know, the game between OU and UT took place here:

See that dot labeled "Dallas"? Yeah, that was the neutral site. Real fucking neutral, just because it was played away from the University of Texas' home stadium doesn't exactly make the field neutral. But then again, the people arguing this are from *Texas*, so I guess you can't expect them to argue competently. Oklahoma crushed Missouri, and now they will play Florida for the National Championship. Even though Oklahoma is a good team, I have one more gripe...

3) Oklahoma ran up the score in their last five games, and their average quarterback won the Heisman.

In the above picture is a douchebag named Sam Bradford, who plays for the very overrated Oklahoma Sooners football team. Before you ask, I am a Penn State fan, and any fan of a team not named USC, Ohio State, Michigan, Florida State, Notre Dame, or any Big XII or SEC school knows how this works. Unless your school was just named, you have no chance of getting to the National Championship unless you go undefeated and blow out every opponent by twenty or more points. This is how the very bias BCS system works.

The Heisman trophy is given out to the best football player in college. Normally, this a quarterback or a running back who, throughout the season, did everything necessary to help their team win. The finalists this year were all quarterbacks, Colt McCoy of Texas, Tim Tebow of Florida, and Sam Bradford of Oklahoma. The real Heisman winner, Michael Crabtree, a WR from Texas Tech, wasn't even invited. Bradford had the numbers, McCoy had the completion percentage, and Tebow had the come from behind victories and was vowing to win another Heisman, to become only the second player in history to win two Heisman awards. In a rigged ceremony, Bradford won the award to become the second sophomore to win the Heisman, after Mr. Tebow himself. So why am I complaining? Bradford only put up those numbers after running up the score on weaker teams. This was the same reason why Colt Brennan of Hawaii didn't win the Heisman last year, despite having better numbers than Bradford.

Oklahoma ran up the score in multiple games towards the end of the season in an effort to earn votes from Coaches and Harris poll voters so they could jump a team they lost to in the BCS standings. In successive games against Nebraska, Texas A&M, Texas Tech, and Oklahoma State, they scored 62, 66, 65, and 61 points despite having 30 point leads in all but the Oklahoma State game. In their game against Oklahoma State, their starting quarterback, Sam Bradford, was left in all game despite an injury to his hand and a 20 point margin of victory. Well gee, no wonder he threw for 48 touchdowns! On top of it...

In the Big XII conference title game, they continued to run up the score against an ineffective Missouri Tigers defense. They scored 21 points in the fourth quarter despite a 41-14 lead going in to the quarter. What a fucking dick move. I hate Bob Stoops and Oklahoma, I really do. Joe Paterno has never ran the score up on anyone, except for ONE time against the Pittsburgh Panthers, which is fair considering they are an instate rival. But he never did it again. Bradford got the Heisman because he played against weaker teams, and ran up the score well after the game was in hand. All this shows is that the Heisman Committee awards players who resort to tasteless tactics. When Oklahoma loses the title game, I hope Bradford tears an ACL.

See? This year football is really dragging me down, but I guess this is an upside compared to how my Orioles do every year.

The 12 Rules of a Remy/Xyle Christmas

2008-12-02T09:59:00.000-08:00

To get into this Christmas Spirit, I've come up with a list of rules to follow for your Christmas to be just like the way Xyle and I would celebrate it. I.E, the right way.

House Rule #1) The only Christmas music allowed is Trans-Siberian Orchestra. NO Exceptions.

House Rule #2) Pie is the official dessert of choice. It must be an awesome pie, like Blueberry or the Remy-family favorite, Graham Cracker pie.

House Rule #3) No Christmas cartoon movies. They are stupid as crap. Unfortunately, this includes The Year Without A Santa Clause, for which we will give a special pardon to. You MAY watch that one ONCE.

House Rule #4) Throughout the entire month, only cigarettes brands made by the R.J. Reynolds Tobacco Company may be smoked. To be quite honest, this rule should be allowed all year, it's that important. When cigarettes made my R.J Reynolds cannot be obtained, please smoke a complementary Black & Mild.

House Rule #5) No articles of clothing are to be given as gifts, unless specifically asked for or it is an awesome hoodie.

House Rule #6) Setting up mistletoe is a nice way to kiss the girl (or guy, if you're a female reader) of your fantasies without seeming like a total puss.

House Rule #7) The official beer of the month of December is the Samuel Adams Winter Lager. This is the only other month besides November in which this seasonal beer can be purchased in. Make good use of it.

House Rule #8) As a man, it's mandatory to watch the football game on Christmas Day. If it is a blowout or the Detroit Lions are playing, you may turn it off.

House Rule #9) Smoke a bowl. 'Nuff said.

House Rule #10) The gift of Custom Firmware is a great gift for those who own PSPs. Spread the wealth, and may you rejoice in everlasting happiness as we dance on Nintendo's balls!

House Rule #11) Egg Nog is a must. If you don't like Egg Nog, too bad. If you're a health nut, get Diet Egg Nog. There is no exception for you to not have Egg Nog. Remember, Vodka + Egg Nog go hand in hand.

House Rule #12) Don't be fake happy. I hate that because it's the holidays, everyone puts on that happy smile and acts like everything is okay when it could very well not be. Don't be one of those people.

And remember, enjoy every sandwich.

Fraudian theory exposed! LOL TITANS!

2008-11-23T13:07:00.000-08:00

If any of our readers follow football, you'll know the Titans are having one helluva season that they shouldn't be having. Besides getting the luckiest win of the season (Against my team, the Baltimore Ravens, with the most bullshit roughing the passer call ever), they seem to get lucky every game. I guess sometimes it's better to be lucky than good, but they had this loss coming for a long time. And for that, I would like to... LOL TITANS!

Fraud team, with a fraud quarterback. It took an old, washed up Brett Favre to put the dagger into the Titans back. Good, I don't care what else the Titans do this season. I can't stand to see a team go undefeated. Thank you Favre. Thank. You. Favre. Now all the Titans bandwagoners are gonna jump ship like the Patriots bandwagoners did at the beginning of the season. LOL TITANS. EL. OH FUCKING EL.

Brett Favre, You Can Do Magic

I'm sick of being called a "Bandwagon Noob" when I've lived in Tennessee for 11 fucking years. THE TITANS ARE DOING GOOD, GET THE FUCK OVER IT.

2008-11-18T11:30:00.000-08:00

I got called a "bandwagon noob" by some idiot today for stating that I'm a fan of the Tennessee Titans. Never mind the fact that I've lived in Tennessee for almost my whole life, the team is doing good this year therefore everyone who likes them has all of a sudden jumped onto the Titans bandwagon! After stating this to said dickhead and calling him a dumbass for making such a lame assumption, he proceeded to tell me that yes, indeed, I AM a bandwagon noob because I've obviously been a Colts fan for the past 7 years! Uhh, what the hell? I'd like to point out that while football has never really mattered to me until the past year and a half or so, I've been a Titans fan since they've come to Tennessee. Yeah, chew on that, shitheads. Not everyone who likes the Titans is on a bandwagon.

THE TITANS ARE DOING GOOD FOR ONCE. GET THE FUCK OVER IT AND GO WHINE ABOUT SOMETHING THAT MATTERS. Dicks.

Smoking > Alcohol

2008-11-03T12:26:00.000-08:00

**Remy would like to thank a few people for making this rant possible. First and foremost, the hot chick from Russia who is letting him use her laptop for this. Second, my cousin for giving me the money to purchase a DVD who inspired this rant. And lastly, Bill Hicks, whose comedy routine will be used in this rant.**

I'm tired of non-smokers coming up to me and coughing whenever I decide to smoke a cigarette. Honestly, are they some fucking sadists? Do they walk up to crippled people and dance too? That is just one question I'd like to know, that and what do atheists yell when they climax. (Oh fate and chance? Oh chemical reaction? Oh big bang?). Non-smokers walk around with a strut, like a self-righteous time bomb waiting to explode. They also have this strange eternal life theory. But I have a notion to end all notions. Non-smokers die. Everyday. There you have it. When I die, I will be going to Sharper Image. Iron Lungs, Oxygen Tanks, yeah, I get all the cool stuff.

But guess what, I can NEVER kill anyone while driving and smoking. But you CAN kill someone by drinking and driving. My point being, there are better drugs and better drugs for you than alcohol. In fact, if I had the choice to legalize a drug, it would not be alcohol. Sorry, nope. No way. I'd rather legalize pot. I know what you're thinking, "But Remy, alcohol is a safe drug, the government allows it...". Yeah, because it's taxed you moron! The government wants you to buy the taxed drugs to pay them. Regardless, let's look at this in a positive way. If you believe drugs have done nothing positive for us, grab all your CDs, mp3s, tapes, and records, and burn them, because the people were high when they made those songs. If they weren't, then the band is probably shitty like The New Kids on the Block.

Now, you're at a concert, and someone is being violent and aggressive. Are they more likely to be drunk or high? If you guessed drunk, you're correct. Not only would I make pot legal, I would make it mandatory. Just think, no more jerks honking their horn at you in traffic. They'd take a drag, then say something like "Oh, oops, sorry, I was taking life seriously for a second." Hey, I guess I'm a dreamer. But I'm not the only one.

Top Ten List of Modern Actors

2008-10-20T20:55:00.000-07:00

We are moving away from rants for a little bit to post our personal list of favorite [insert topic here]. This week I'm going to list my top ten modern actors. Of course, this is all opinionated and feel free to leave comments and critique. The requirements for this list will be: 1) Had to have made at least three movies in the 1990s or 2000s with some box office success. 2) Must be younger than 50 years old. This list will be going bottom to top, so without further ado, here's number 10.

Number Ten: Shia LaBeouf
Best Movies: Transformers, Disturbia, Eagle Eye

I really wasn't sold on Shia LaBeouf, but Xyle swore to me he was a pretty good actor. After seeing Eagle Eye, I'm pretty convinced he deserves a spot on this list. You might know him from Even Stevens, but I personally remember him from the movie Holes, a good movie based on probably one of the first books I didn't absolutely hate. He's actually pretty good, and if you don't believe me, watch Eagle Eye. It has the Remy Seal of Approval, after all.

Number Nine: Tobey Maguire
Best Movies: The Spiderman Series, Seabiscuit

Wow. That was the first thought I had when watching the first Spider-Man movie. Not only did it have Willem DaFoe (an actor much too old to be on this list, but he kicked ass in Platoon and The Boondock Saints), it had a young actor who was probably unknown to many at the time by the name of Tobey Maguire. He probably wasn't the best actor for the role of Peter Parker, but he played the role well. Unfortunately for him, he will probably be typecasted for the rest of his life. Tobey deserves a spot on this list because Spider-Man was one of the few super hero movies to not suck this decade. And come on ladies, tell me you didn't think that upside-down kiss wasn't the hottest thing you had ever seen.

Number Eight: Johnny Depp
Best Movies: The Pirates of the Caribbean Trilogy, Edward Scissorhands, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Sweeney Todd

Johnny Depp would have been higher on the list if Tim Burton fangirls weren't all over his nuts like a mother on menopause who can't get her chocolate fix. In great truth, Depp is a good actor. But ask anyone, and his role as Captain Jack Sparrow was just him being Keith Richards without the drugs, and his role in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory paled in comparison to the original done by Gene Wilder. Regardless, if anyone had a knack for playing any role created in the creepy mind of Tim Burton, it would be Depp. And that right there deserves props.

Number Seven: Mark Wahlberg
Best Movies: Invincible, The Departed, Shooter

Mark Wahlberg started his career as the rapper and namesake of the group "Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch". I hated the Funky Bunch and Marky Mark as a musician, but when he moved onto acting, I began to respect the guy. Wahlberg is pretty versatile, even if Invincible didn't quite live up to the hype. Still, The Departed was a GREAT movie and I loved Shooter. Even the Max Payne movie about to come up looks pretty good. I expect more great things from Wahlberg in the future.

Number Six: Sean Penn
Best Movies: Fast Times at Ridgemont High, Dead Man Walking, Sweet and Lowdown, I Am Sam

Sean Penn is another good actor, but he's not top five worthy. I like a lot of his movies, and he certainly deserves to be on this list. I just don't know, a lot of his movies are either really good, or just really bad. The ones I mentioned, especially Fast Times, are classics that I will make my kids watch. Because Lord knows, the stuff in the theater and on television nowadays just suck.

Number Five: Jack Black
Best Movies: Saving Silverman, School of Rock, Tenacious D: The Pick of Destiny

Jack Black is my favorite fat actor. All of his movies I mentioned are great comedies and certainly deserve a place in anyone's collection. School of Rock opened up many kids to the sounds of classic rock, while Saving Silverman proved that sometimes when your friend is with a bitch, it takes a bit of sweet revenge to get him back on the right track. Not only can Jack Black be crude and funny for us teenagers and adults, he can also be good with children, one of the rare people I have seen to pull it off. Hats off to J.B. for kicking ass.

Number Four: Ben Stiller
Best Movies: A Night at the Museum, There's Something About Mary, Meet the Parents, The Royal Tenenbaums

Ben Stiller is named by Maddox as one of the most funniest guys ever. And it's true, he has a pretty good track record of being in comedies. Stiller has always been a favorite of everyone who watches movies, even my grandmother likes him. There's Something About Mary always stuck in my mind as a kid, mainly because of the infamous "hair gel" scene. The "Meet The..." trilogy was also pretty good, too. Even if it did spawn a whole bunch of stupid parody movies. But if Ben Stiller is such a good actor, who could possibly top him? Well, onto number three.

Number Three: Luke Wilson
Best Movies: Bottle Rocket, Bongwater, The Royal Tenenbaums, Old School, My Super Ex-Girlfriend

Luke Wilson is my favorite member of the Frat Pack. Not only is he just as funny as Ben Stiller, he has the look of someone who just wants to kick your ass. While most of the actors on this list do comedy films, I have never laughed harder than any of the films I've seen him play in. Old School is my all-time favorite college movie ever, and Wilson fit the part of the lead character perfectly. Also, you might remember him playing the role of Casey Kelso on That '70s Show, arguably my favorite television show of all-time (Along with House, M.D. and Dirty Sexy Money). This concludes the comedic actors, as the top two actors are certainly deserving of their spots.

Number Two: Nicolas Cage
Best Movies: Leaving Las Vegas, Face/Off, City of Angels, Gone in Sixty Seconds, The Family Man, Honeymoon in Vegas, National Treasure 1+2, Ghost Rider

Nicolas Cage is number two on this list. He beat out all the actors except for the top one, which might seem a little controversial when you read who it is. Cage has quite the resume, not only did he star in great movies, as you can see, every movie he has starred in has been different. Although he mainly does action movies, he did do some drama (City of Angels, Leaving Las Vegas), and some comedies (The Family Man, Honeymoon in Vegas), along the rest of his action type movies. Like Tobey Maguire, he too has starred in a pretty good superhero movie (Ghost Rider, don't listen to Rotten Tomatoes, whose highest ranked movie is Toy Story 2), but unlike Maguire, he will never be typecasted. Nicolas Cage, in my opinion, could have been the best actor of this generation, had it not been for...

Number One: Tom Cruise
Best Movies: Risky Business, Top Gun, Born on the Fourth of July, A Few Good Men, The Mission Impossible series, Jerry Maguire, The Last Samurai, Collateral, War of the Worlds

Tom Cruise is the number one actor on this list. He's also the second oldest, after Johnny Depp. But why is Tom Cruise number one? The man can do it all, comedy, drama, action, sci-fi, you name it, he can PERFECT it. His religion aside, Tom Cruise is, as stated by Economist Edward Jay Epstein, "Cruise is one of the few producers (the others being George Lucas, Steven Spielberg and Jerry Bruckheimer) who are able to guarantee the success of a billion-dollar movie franchise. Cruise is also one of the few actors on this list to make a splash impact in THREE decades ('80s, '90s, and '00s). He has quite the resume, and the acting skills to back it up. Whether he will be reknowned as famous or reviled in infamy, no one has had such an effect on modern movies as Cruise has. Period.

That's all for the top ten actors, but I'll list the few who just barely missed it:

Topher Grace
Will Ferrell
John Travolta (Too old, by four years)
Adam Sandler
Steve Carell
Owen Wilson
Vince Vaughn

Sorry for the inactivity.

2008-10-15T12:33:00.000-07:00

*Xyle*

Sorry for the inactivity the past however long it's been. I've been too busy to post a rant and Remy was waiting on me so as to not throw off our nice rhythm we have going on. I'm not in a particularly ranty mood today, though, so instead I'll give you an update on our game projects.

As Remy may have mentioned somewhere earlier, Epic is being put on the back burner while I revive two of my older projects, remakes of Dragon Warrior 1 and 2. So far, I'm working on the maps, then I'll start working on all the enemies. No estimated release date yet, however.

Again, I apologize again for the lack of posts and hope that soon I'll get back into the habit of ranting daily.

Shut the Hell Up, You're Not Cool or Unique For Listening to Bands That Aren't Mainstream

2008-09-30T15:58:00.000-07:00

I'm tired of people who claim they are better for listening to bands that are "underground" or "indie". There is nothing remotely better about an indie band than something mainstream. I'm not saying indie bands suck, I like a few of them like Neutral Milk Hotel, Godspeed You! Black Emperor, The Decemberists and Elf Power, but those are pretty common known non-mainstream bands. These type of people just come off as elitists dicks (or cunts, because I know a few women who think they are "awesome" for listening to underground stuff) by flaunting around their "excessive" knowledge of good music.

Let's face it, every band goes mainstream some day. A few good modern examples are Modest Mouse and The Arcade Fire. All the grunge acts of the '90s weren't signed to mainstream stuff either. I guess most of my rage comes from this girl back in my AP European History class. She critcized me for wearing a Beatles hoodie (arguably the best and most influential band ever). When I asked her what she listened to, she told me about all the "underground metal" she listened to, like Shadows Falls. Excuse me, SHADOWS FALLS ISN'T FUCKING UNDERGROUND, THEY'RE ABOUT AS UNDERGROUND AS IRON MAIDEN YOU SKANK. Okay, rage over. There was also this slut who went by the name Maria Dill. For one, she thought she was so cool for beating Guitar Hero...on medium. I can beat Medium on Guitar Hero by playing the damned guitar behind my back. Two, she asked my friend Ed on how to be more "scene" and "underground". God I hate this bitch, and any one else like her. For all the "indie" people, listen to this band, it might help:

http://www.thefalloftroy.com

Remy out, I'ma listen to some music without some stupid label thrown on it.

If women were more like men, the world would be a better place.

2008-09-30T09:32:00.000-07:00

Over the past couple of days, I've realized something--Women suck. And not in that good way that you want them to again and again.

Now, hear me out on this. They like to fuck around with your head--they're not satisfied unless your life is miserable, because it justifies their own pathetic existence. They've realized that when we're miserable about something, we'll come to them to talk about it, and we're usually too stupid to realize that they're the source of all the misery to begin with. For example, Remy has a friend who was pretty down on his luck, so this other dude's sister offers to let him stay with her. Now, that's nice and everything, but after a while of the guy sleeping on her couch, she decides to approach him and asks if he wants to sleep in the same bed as her.

Ok, let's take a break here and assess the situation. THIS IS A FUCKING HINT. Any guy would hear that and think, "score!" This means you're getting some. There's no other translation for that. So the dude starts sleeping in her bed. Now, a few times he felt uncomfortable with it and tried to sleep on the couch, and the woman refuses and tells him to stay in her bed. Ok, let's take another break here--in 'Guy' that translates to 'I want your penis.' So after a few nights of sleeping with her like this, he finally works up the courage to try and kiss her. What does the bitch do? She shoves him away and says "Don't kiss me! I'm not interested in you like that!" ... Whaaat? Bullshit, you told the guy to fucking sleep in your bed! The poor guy goes and puts 2 and 2 together, and she expects him to get 3? What a bitch. So the dude moves out.

In my own experience, I hate it when women say "there's no way this could work." Bullshit. I was willing to do everything to make it work. What this translates to is "I'm not willing to put the effort into this to make it work." Then why did you lead me along for all this time, if you were so dead set on it not working? Here's a hint: if you're not expecting it to work, it won't fucking work. But please, take full blame for it yourself instead of coming up with bullshit excuses. It's your fault we broke up, not mine.

I was dating this one girl...well, we weren't technically "dating" but it was heavily implied. I liked her a lot, potentially even loved her. Guess I'll never know. I was willing to whatever I could to make it work. I gave up so much of the things I loved, just to make her happy. But all that changed when she decided she found someone else. So she pretty much told me we were over, and that she liked this other guy better. A few weeks pass, and she decides she doesn't like him because he "fell right into her lap." Well, shit, you only fucking MADE OUT WITH HIM. Then she has the balls to tell me about it, like I'm going to be sympathetic or some shit! Fuck that. What, a few weeks pass and magically all my wounds are healed? Christ, I can't understand women sometimes.

Women should be more like men, because it would be easier instead of them playing head games, to just say "You're hot, let's fuck."

Decaf Tea Blows

2008-09-29T11:17:00.000-07:00

Decaf tea is horrible. Now mind you, I'm sitting here drinking some ACTUAL Oolong Tea that doesn't suck. The only reason to drink tea is to get that caffeine rush, and because it does in fact taste a bit better than coffee. In fact, the only reason I think coffee was invented was because people ran out of tea and they really wanted to stay up later and smoke more cigarettes (probably R.J. Reynolds because we know he made the best cigarettes). You can really taste the lack of caffeine in your tea, as if you were just making sweet, sweet love to a girl and you could totally tell she faked her orgasm. Like you had given her all she could handle, and the best she could do is fake it for you. But I guess it's just a fact of life that some things just suck.

^Like God (Or Satan/Buddha/L. Ron Hubbard/Confucius) intended.

Stop sucking that strap-on and put it in your pussy already!

2008-09-29T10:55:00.000-07:00

How come all the porno girls INSIST on sucking the goddamned strap-on for like, 10 fucking minutes?! What, it's gonna magically cum like a real penis if you suck it long enough?? Fuck that! I want to see it in your pussy, not your mouth! If I wanted to see you suck something, I would have typed in 'blowjob'. Lesbians shouldn't suck anything besides clits and tits. Hell, I doubt half those girls are lesbians anyway, given how much they love sucking penis shaped objects. Are they trying to send the message that sucking something prosthetic is better than a real penis??

Stop sucking it and put it in your pussy, bitch.

Square-Enix: Please go back to Old School RPGS. KKTHX.

2008-09-27T18:46:00.000-07:00

Am I the only one who hates Square-Enix? Time and time again, I'm forced to play shitty game after shitty game (with the exception of Kingdom Hearts II and Final Fantasy VII: Crisis Core), and sit back and wonder where the times have gone. You know, back when Enix was Enix and Square was Squaresoft. I guess this just shows how bad the industry has gotten, with only memories of my childhood for these two great companies.

I never played much Dragon Warrior, but I did love Dragon Warrior Monsters. And for Squaresoft, there was the Final Fantasy series, Chrono Trigger, Secret of Mana and I guess Parasite Eve. But now it's like the only thing left I have of them are, well...memories. My first RPG was FF7, and I loved it to death. I still have my copy of it on the Playstation. My cartridge of DWM is sitting with my other Game Boy games. It seems that this merger has done more bad then good.

^Square-Enix's last main character. What a fag.

Final Fantasy XII brought a new sense of suckitude to the series. After Final Fantasy X-2, NOTHING could get worse, right? WRONG. It did get worse. At least FFX-2 had a familiar battle system, FFXII had a shitty one. It felt like I was playing .hack, which isn't a bad thing, but that's not Final Fantasy. Vaan was a poor excuse for a main character. Penelo was annoying. The only saving grace the game had was Balthier and Fran. I <3 Fran. So much, I would jam unnamed items in certain orifices of her body. Anyways... the game would have been much better with Buckethead as the main character. If you don't know who Buckethead is, here's a picture.

^Buckethead in all his glory.

Buckethead wouldn't take any shit from Penelo like Vaan would have, which probably would have made it a better game. Regardless, it was a piss poor effort by Square. While there have been some great games, like Kingdom Hearts II and Crisis Core, those alone can't save Square. I just hope Final Fantasy XIII blows the balls off of people, because damn, Square hasn't made a great RPG since FFIX. They are even getting which handheld to release games for wrong too. Why would you release Chrono Trigger on the DS?! I would much rather play an updated Chrono Trigger with better graphics on my PSP. Gah, I hate this.

Enix isn't off the hook either. Enix's crowning acheivement is Star Ocean 2. Perhaps the most underrated and best RPG on the Playstation. I logged so many hours into it, it was unreal. Star Ocean: Until the End of Time sucked, but at least they are putting both Star Oceans on the PSP. Yay for us. Maybe one day...just one day, we will see a game worthy of the labels for both Square and Enix. A man can dream, can't he?

Sonic the Hedgehog has sucked balls since Sonic CD, and dipshits at Sega are too stupid to notice.

2008-09-27T17:26:00.000-07:00

**This rant has been brought to you by Xyle**

Why, Sega? WHY?! What the hell have you done to Sonic??

I grew up with Sonic. When I was a kid, I thought he was BAD ASS. I adored him. I watched his cartoon show every Saturday morning (which is probably why it got the nickname SatAM from its fans, who obviously did the same). I played all his games. Then Sega decides to take a gargantuan shit on the franchise.

Now, don't get me wrong. Sonic games are still fun (Except Sonic 2006 on the PS3/3FixMe. That bug-ridden piece of shit) but they just lack a certain SOMETHING that the series hasn't seen since Sonic CD. Part of what made Sonic so cool and badass in the first place just simply disappeared. Well, I want to know what happened. If Sonic is so special to get his own dev team (SonicTeam), then why has the series continued to epically suck? The even bigger question is why do people still buy this shit, even when it fails this hard? Sega needs to get their asses in gear unless they want people to give up on the Blue Blur forever, and I just so happen to have some ideas.

Enough with this "Adventure" bullshit. Sonic games are supposed to be fast-paced and about speed, not thinking. Do away with the Adventure zones, and just have Stages.
Enough with playing as other characters! Why would I want to play as Knuckles and go on a treasure hunt? Focus the game ENTIRELY around Sonic. The only other character that needs to be controlled AT ALL is player 2 being able to use Tails, and even then that's more of a gimmick than an actual gameplay element.
No more "real world" bullshit. The game needs to take place on Morpheus, and ONLY Morpheus.
Dr. Eggman? What the FUCK?? His name is ROBOTNIK, dipshits!
Please, for Christ's sake, let the director of SatAM do the third season and finish the story! The guy already has it all planned out, he just needs the go-ahead from you morons. What do you have to lose? The franchise has gone to shit anyway, might as well let it have one final chance to NOT SUCK.

^A black hedgehog, and a white hedgehog? That won't be seen as racist at all! And the black one holding a gun? NAW! It's pure genious!

Sega, I'm sick of your bullshit. I'm sick of you guys ruining my childhood hero. Hell, I'm sick of you guys ruining one of gaming's icons. Either get your asses in gear and get some competent (read: not shitty) people to work on Sonic, or retire him for good. I'd rather see him burn out than fade away.

In memory of better days.

ICP is the Worst Band Ever

2008-09-26T13:09:00.000-07:00

^Insane Clown Posse fans showing how "cool" the band really is.

God, I can't stand Insane Clown Posse or their obnoxious fans. I remember back in high school how many of them there were. And I thought Slipknot fans were bad. I mean, just wow. ICP fans make Slipknot fans look good. For starters, I'm going to rip the band a new one. First, what the HELL is with the name? Insane Clowns? This isn't Twisted Metal, clowns aren't freaking scary. Or insane, for that matter. Evidently their original name was Inner City Posse, but I guess they felt it wasn't scary enough to appeal to rebellious, angst-driven twelve year olds whose balls haven't dropped yet. Two, NO white man can rap. The only exception is Eminem, who is actually pretty good at what he does. Obviously, they can't just admit that they are a rap band, so their fanbase and themselves throw around the genres "Hardcore Hip Hop" and "Horrorcore" to make them seem better than they actually are.

^KISS Rip-Offs

Another thing I just LOVE about Insane Clown Posse is their "use" (read as: theft) of KISS's make-up gimmick. When KISS wears make-up, it looks badass. After all, KISS started the costumes and make-up thing as a part of their live performances. But ICP, who doesn't even list KISS as an influence, blatantly stole their main gimmick. But no matter how much they steal from others, they still suck.

I'm done tearing the band down. But this doesn't mean I'm finished. Hell no, I need to address the worst aspect. Their fans. ICP fans are like a crazed wolf, ready to tear anything to shreds if it isn't to their liking. It's sickening. They dress like the band, and walk around calling each other "juggalos". Anyone who they deem to not be a fan is called a "Juggaho", even though the band has exclaimed that anyone can be a juggalo, even if they don't listen to the band. And I quote "there are no requirements to being a Juggalo. We don't care if you spend a dime on merch, or if you know the words to every song. If this music touches you, and you get some positive experience from it, we would be honored to have you consider yourself a Juggalo." Also, Shaggy2Dope also stated this in a 2005 interview. "You could be a Juggalo and not even listen to ICP. A Juggalo is a frame of mind and what not. And I was a Juggalo before we started with ICP. [...] You don't even to have to fuckin' necessarily listen to [Psychopathic Records] to be a Juggalo. Juggalos are Juggalos."

So with these two statements, where do these fans get off saying who is a real fan and who isn't? It's a load of crap from a horrible band to begin with, but jeez, they should be wanting more fans, not less. Also, what's up with the fans talking about this Dark Carnival shit. It's so idiotic it gives me a headache. They can't even think for themselves either! They drink Faygo brand soda, not because it's inexpensive, but because ICP used to drink it. Great going, morons! Drink that crappy brand of soda because ICP told you to. Please, jump off a cliff too, no one will miss you. I promise.

Menthols are for pussies.

2008-09-26T06:57:00.000-07:00

**This rant has been brought to you by Xyle**

This image confirms the title of this rant. (NOTE: image NOT SAFE FOR WORK) (UPDATE: Photobucket decided that image "Violated their terms of use," so they removed it. I'm too lazy to upload the image anywhere else, so for the curious it was a pussy with a cigarette in it that had "MENTHOL" splashed underneath it.)

Every time I'm out smoking with my friends, INEVITABLY, one of them pulls out a pack that has the big fat "MENTHOL" tag splashed across the front of the box, and I just wanna kick them in the face. Why the fuck would you smoke that shit? They don't taste good. The only reason you should EVER smoke menthols is if you're sick and you're too damn lazy to take cough drops, or you're a woman. Unless you fall into one of those categories, grow some balls and smoke a real cigarette! What, afraid of a little tobacco? Congratulations, you're a bitch. I think it should be made a law that if you smoke a menthol while a) not a woman, and b) not sick, it should be mandatory for you to get a sex change, because you're officially a PUSSY.

Here. Want a menthol?

Cosplayers are the Anti-Christ to Anime Fans

2008-09-25T17:14:00.000-07:00

**This rant brought to you by Remy**

^Douche

Now, I have nothing against anime fans. In fact, I'm an anime fan myself, albeit a bit more casual. But let's get real, cosplay is just stupid and wrong. Cosplayers to anime is like Trekies to Star Trek. Now, don't get me wrong, I like anime. But I don't cosplay. Why would I want to? I don't even dress up for Halloween, I just put on a mask and go around with a knife scaring little kids.

This rant ties to an experience I just saw this weekend at Suncoast. Here I am, in the store with my friend browsing the collection of anime and hentai DVDs, and these cosplayers were being loud and obnoxious talking about Bleach and Naruto. My friend walks up to the very bad looking Inuyasha cosplayer (Because let's face it, only fucking ugly people cosplay), and he says "Who are you supposed to be, Sesshoumaru?". The cosplayer must have been offended, because he went batshit on my friend. "NO I'M INUYASHA! CAN'T YOU TELL?!". My friend simply responded with "Well, they look so alike, and I mean, you were turned around." So they continued about the anime they see on Cartoon Network, and because I'm the asshole I am, I ask "So, have you guys seen Mobile Suit Gundam?." Another cosplayer says "No way! We only like Gundam Wing and Gundam SEED." I just shrugged it off, they were only proving my earlier point. So my friend and I go to buy our things, and this lady and her husband walk into the store. They see the cosplayers acting like idiots and she says to him "They better not be back there trying to run the store." At this point, my friend and I left and went to Taco Bell for lunch.

A few days later, we went back to Suncoast and brought up the cosplayers to the manager, a pretty cool dude named Jackson. He agreed, calling them idiots and cosplay retarded. But only when we talked to Cesar (pronounced SAY-zar), did we find someone who felt the need to defend them. Infact, he went as far to pull sports into the argument. He was telling me how a sports fan can dress up and support their team, why can't an anime fan cosplay? Well, I argued with this counter-point. When a sports fan dresses up crazy for a football game, it's to be expected. He loves his team. But out in public, he's normal. He might wear a jersey, sure, but it's just a sports shirt. Infact, even when he dresses for the game, he doesn't go out to malls dressed up like that. But cosplayers cosplay at malls, and almost every where. Not just anime conventions. It's stupid. I also brought up how when white people dance to hip hop, they tend to look out of place compared to someone black. Or when white people wear their hats to the side. It's a black cultural thing, and no one else should be doing it, because then they look stupid. It's the same thing with cosplay. Only asians should do it. PERIOD.

Cesar seemed to angry because I had "played the race card". He said "Well you're discrminating against cosplayers like the white people did to Rosa Parks on the bus." How in the hell are those two situations similar? I guess maybe in some aspects, but he compared me to a KKK member. For what? Discriminating against my own race? God, I hate it when people defend cosplay.

^Is there anything wrong there?

No, there isn't. People just need to shut up and leave the cosplaying to asians.

NintenDON'T

2008-09-20T11:36:00.000-07:00

**This rant has been brought to you by Xyle**

Nintendo's continued success with their new wave of casual crap just continues to astound and amuse me. Here we are, at the pinnacle of console gaming, with games that blur the line between video game and reality, and not only do people think about taking Nintendo seriously, but they actually PURCHASE their shit! Yeah, you heard me. THE WII SUCKS. Not only does it suck, but it's continued success is sending a negative message to game developers. Hey, not only can you spend less money by making a graphically inferior game, you can make MORE money by adding in some unnecessary motion sensor controls and slapping the label "CASUAL" on it! Oh my GOD. Are they serious? Do we REALLY want developers thinking that we actually WANT this "casual" bullshit?? Eventually what's going to happen is developers are going to start taking well-loved "hardcore" franchises and open them up to this "casual" gaming phenominon, and we're just going to see gaming as a whole suffer in the long run! Can you imagine a "CASUAL" Final Fantasy, or a "CASUAL" Legend of Zelda?! Fuck no! I refuse to buy in to this bullshit. I'm a GAMER. I play REAL GAMES. For longer than 10 minute intervals! I don't want shitty motion sensor controllers that have fucking LAG as you wave them all over the place, I want a motherfucking DualShock 3! Even MICROSOFT is going in more of a right direction than Nintendo, and they have a fucking 40% chance fail rate! No. No, I REFUSE to buy into the hype. I REFUSE to support Nintendo.

"Oh, but Nintendo is encouraging old-school gaming with the Virtual Console!" Umm, no? Emulation has been around for years, and last I checked, that's FREE. Not to mention, when you buy a game off the VC, you aren't actually purchasing. No, you're purchasing the right to an indefinite LEASE to play the game. Yeah, you heard that right: "Buying" games off the VC is basically the same as "RENTING" a game indefinitely for a small fee. And with emulators, you can use graphic filters and save states! Gee, it's so hard to pick which one I'd rather have! No, Nintendo's just milking another trend with their VC, much like they are with the Wii's main catalogue.

"Well the controller is revolutionary!" Oh, really? I thought it was about as revolutionary as the Power Glove, and we all saw how well THAT did. Who's idea was this piece of shit? Am I the only one who's noticed that all the best games on the Wii, are the ones that use the motion sensor controls to a MINIMUM?? Not to mention you look like a fucking ass waving it around all over the place! No thanks, I'll stick to REAL controllers and play REAL video games on REAL gaming consoles.

The Wii isn't a gaming console. It's a fucking TOY.

Megadeth > Metallica

2008-09-20T10:35:00.000-07:00

**This rant has been brought to you by Remy**

In light of Metallica's new album, Death Magnetic, it reminded me of an age-old argument that has been around in metal circles for a long time. While some sites like http://www.allmusic.com might have given Death Magnetic rave reviews, it is public opinion(and more importantly, mine) that Metallica still hasn't changed much. You'd think after SEVENTEEN years since their last okay album they would have figured out that their fans want some thrash metal, not nu-metal. Of course, Death Magnetic was a huge improvement over St. Anger, but even then, that's not saying much. At least Megadeth has never failed me or their fans.

Yeah, I said it. Megadeth is better than Metallica. Megadeth, have not only released MORE albums than Metallica despite forming later, Mustaine and crew have only failed once, and that's only because Lars Ulrich tried to coerce Mustaine into taking a "Risk". Metallica screwed up years ago by firing Mustaine. Mustaine isn't just a better guitar player than Kirk Hammett, but he can also sing, write songs, and play solos with effects other than the wah-wah pedal. Hammett doesn't even write his own solos, Ulrich and Hetfield do. Metallica has just fallen downhill since ...And Justice, and it's rather sad. But, if Hetfield and/or Ulrich is reading this, I can guarantee I have the solution to make Metallica the great band it once was.

Step One: Fire Kirk, Re-hire Dave. Easy step, and it's quite the upgrade. They gain a back-up singer and someone who can actually solo.

Step Two: Fire Robert Trujillo, hire Fieldy from KoRn. Again, Rob sucks, Fieldy would be better. How the FUCK did you guys pass up on Les Claypool when he auditioned?!

Step Three: Fire Lars Ulrich, hire anybody with the talent of Dave Grohl or better. And since the only person with talent less than Dave Grohl is Ulrich himself, they can get anybody. But since Slipknot is breaking up, how about you grab Joey Jordison?

^Yes, those ARE the drums Ulrich used on St. Anger.

Unfortunately, we are only left to hope and pray for something like that happen. But in the meantime, Dave can get RAGED over Death Magnetic and inspire himself to create something much better, like he always does.

*throws ninja smoke bomb*

Introductions

2008-09-19T22:32:00.000-07:00

Project Epic is ran by two people, Remy and Xyle. In addition to this being a blog, we are planning on creating a RPG using RPG Maker XP, entitled... Epic. That's all for now.

-Remy